England, seven thousand dollar guitars, and me : A story. (1166 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.58 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hamilton (View user info) at 2004-08-29 21:29:29 EDT
In case you haven't guessed, that idiot is in fact me.
You see, I recently went to England with family to see the rest of the family. It was awesome, and will probably get another post later. But the main thing that happened was what I am officially code-naming 'That time I dropped that guitar.'
My stepmother got the idea that she would love to go to Harrod's to look around. For those who don't know, Harrod's is the poshest shop in England. They used to have guards whose specific purpose was to turn away guys who weren't in suits. Since they let me in, I can only assume that they are considering a dollar store branch. Walking through the doors, we agreed to split up and meet back in an hour. I wondered around for twenty minutes, mainly flipping through the CD's, when I hit gold.
The musical instrument section.
I gingerly crept over to the guitars, admiring them, not even dreaming that I could ever play them. I noticed that most were Epiphone, the 'firewood division' of Gibson.
Let me explain.
Although I don't know why, Gibson is considered the Rolls Royce of guitars. I have to agree with that, because they are both bulky and ugly, but that aside, the prices on them are exorbitant. So when Gibson bought Epiphone a couple decades back, Epiphone started producing shit versions of famous Gibsons, even though they were very good in their own right.
So looking through the rack, I see all of the familiar faces that I would love to play. I'm ready to walk away dejectedly when I hear an angel.
"Would you like to try one?"
Jesus Christ yes.
"Umm... I guess."
"Which one would you like to try?"
I spot an Epiphone Les Paul copy.
"I'll take the Les Paul."
The guy goes and snips of the Les Paul next to it, which I barely notice. It's the most popular type; of course they'd have two.
He hands it to me, instructs me to sit on a velvet stool, plugs into the amp, smiles and walks away. For about five minutes, I'm blissfully playing away, when the price tag finally gets in my way one too many times. I rip it off, and flip it around to read it.
2995.99.
That is of course, in pounds. I gasp, and in my distraction, the guitar slips.
THUD!
That is of course, the sound of death.
I throw my head around and search for the salesman. He's busy. I gingerly pick up the guitar and survey the damage. The first thing that I notice is the brand name. Gibson.
Buggerfuck.
Have you seen the RHCP video to 'Scar Tissue' when John Frusciante is playing that broken guitar? OK, it wasn't that bad, but still. There is a massive dent on the body. Six frets are missing. Two strings have snapped. Oh, and there's a large crack in the neck.
Maybe it's just a flesh wound. Lets see how it sounds.
SCRICCAWAAONNGOO!!!!!!
Buggerfuck.
Maybe I can get away smooth. Spotting a tuner, I fix the three skinny strings. The top three are dead. May they rest in peace. In order to keep up appearances, I had to keep my hand over the crack by the fifth fret. That gives me access to five frets, one of which was missing. So five times three is fifteen. I had fifteen notes to play from. Rather than the usual 138.
Buggerfuck.
I looked over, and saw the salesman walking towards me.
"Hey man, how's it going?"
I thought of shit, death, fuck, horrible and please don't hurt me.
"Great!"
"Can you play me something?"
No. I don't even know any scales that cover those areas.
"Sure!"
I hastily improvise something, with the guitar faced at a ninety degree angle to me, facing away from him. Playing like that with your palm stuck to the board is fucking near impossible. Considering the splinters, it was impossible.
He frowned.
"You getting tired or something?"
An idea struck me so hard that I almost dropped it again.
"No, but you know what I do need? A pick." I lied, carefully tossing it behind me. "Playing with the fingers is hard."
"OK man, just one second." I clocked the pick desk at thirty feet away. I checked a nearby clock. 4:58. Perfect. I reached out to the amp and turned the volume, distortion, treble, reverb and feedback all the way up. For those who don't know, the effect is a guitar that will pick up the wind moving the strings, super loud, super high pitched, repeating over and over, with a lot of scratchy noise in the background. It's damn near enough to make you pass out. I grabbed the pick, and gave the most important strum of my life. I was sitting next to the amp, and damn near screamed at the noise. Then I screamed like a little girl, running away from the section. I ran down to the second floor, still screaming. By the first floor, I was out of breath, so it was hyper-ventilating with a dash of screaming. I composed myself, and walked into the hall to meet my parents.
"James, did you hear that awful noise from the third floor?"
"Absolutely not."
I hear that they're still looking for me.
I feel like such a rock star. (the picture isn't me)
User Reviews
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-09-09 01:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I play an SG. Great story. I saw the Loren is a klingon comment and since that is precisely what I was going to say I thought maybe I would like your writing. I was right.
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-02 13:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
resize your pic so you don't have to scroll to read your shitty post ass muncher
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-30 08:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, this is the worst guitar in existance.
http://www.music123.com/Daisy-Rock-Power-Puff-i127294.music
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-30 08:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, Daisy Rock is an entire different category altogether. I have seen them in stores, and they're bloody tiny. I think that they have a twenty two inch scale.
Submitted by Doctorgeorge90001 (user info) at 2004-08-30 05:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've got a Tanglewood Rebel 4K bass. fuckin awesome for £169
Submitted by IronChef (user info) at 2004-08-30 00:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You dropped it while sitting on a stool and it took that much damage? What a cheap guitar (not literally, of course). Oh well, good story.
I wish I could have one of these:
http://www.edroman.com/avail/guitar/jet/158-_new950.jpg
Right now I have and old guitar by a company called Series 10. It has mold growing inside it and some of the frets don't work.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-08-30 00:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There is only one guitar that I think is worse designed than a Les Paul."
I BEG TO DIFFER
http://www.daisyrock.com/products/butterfly/bf_artist_fantasy_pop.htm
Yeah, my guitar (Gretsch Electromatic) weighs every bit as much as a Les Paul, and looks a lot like one too. The only thing they couldn't replicate was the tone...
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-29 22:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe.
You fucked up large.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-29 22:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA Awesome!
Great story man.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 22:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Incidentally, here is what I've been salivating to lately
http://www.gibsonstrings.com/pickups/dirtyfingers.shtml
And I remembered another reason why i don't like Les Pauls. It's like giving a sumo wrestler a piggy back.
Submitted by Ingsoc at 2004-08-29 22:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am proud to say I have missed the Olympics entirely, without exception. Salt Lake City was far more interesting, I thought.
I choose Winnipeg to host the 2102 Olympic Games.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 22:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's three reasons.
The important one is the tone. Although it is extremely nice, it's just not the type that I like. Gibson SG's on the other hand...
Another one is the price. Like I said, they're nice guitars, but not that nice.
And the third one is that I think they're ugly. There is only one guitar that I think is worse designed than a Les Paul.
http://www.music123.com/Fender-Standard-Telecaster-i39526.music
Jesus, Leo must've been taking a sick day.
You're right with Jimmy Page. But even with that kind of power backing them, I think they would have slipped had it not been for Slash.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-29 22:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm telling.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-08-29 22:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:35:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Trust me DMD, I wanted to hurt myself. Even if i don't like them, i've got respect for them. Do you think that they would be half as popular if Eric Clapton hadn't used them.
Clapton played Strats (after Cream anyway)... Jimmy Page probably popularized it more. But I don't think I've ever heard a better sounding electric guitar than a Les Paul, so it's popularity is deserved. Why don't you like them?
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post. People go to harrods spend maybe tw pounds on something stupid just so they can get the harrods carrier bag. Shows how cheap we are over here.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have officially determined that MXPX's cover of "Barbie Girl" is the funniest cover ever.
MXPX, Bad Religion, Blink 182, Green Day and NOFX.
I can feel myself getting not smarter.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds pretty
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I'm gonna stick to playing my Dean Playmate. Until I get this
http://www.music123.com/Washburn-X10-i144311.music
or
http://www.music123.com/Squier-Bullet-Strat-i35210.music
Yes, I know I'm cheap.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I remember from Harrods was the fact that it was massively huge.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GO CANADA WOO! 12 MEDALS!
Fuck the U.S basketball team. Those guys have a combined income of the countries that they got schooled by.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trust me DMD, I wanted to hurt myself. Even if i don't like them, i've got respect for them. Do you think that they would be half as popular if Eric Clapton hadn't used them.
Submitted by DataForge22 (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice job. I've been to Harrods, It's crazily expensive. Oh and the olympics are ending now, how sad.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to kill you for hurting a Les Paul.
+2