I Coached T-Ball, And Now I Want A Vasectomy. Coincidence? I Think Not. (1897 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-08-30 13:08:48 EDT
I coach a little league T-Ball team. Not sure exactly how it happened, though. I mean, I don't have any kids of my own. And to be honest, I never particularly wanted any. But somehow, I now have fourteen of the little bastards. And twice a week, I'm forced to head out to the diamond and teach ball to the Bad News Fucking Bears.
It's all my sister's fault. I love her and I hate saying no to her. She knows this and completely uses it to her advantage. Typical female. They're all evil. Every last one of them. But they look pretty and they smell nice...so, whaddya gonna do? Anyway, I believe our telephone conversation a few months ago went something like this.
"...What's up little brother?"
"Gina! What's shakin' lady?"
"Oh, you know...same old. Work's a bitch, Kevin's annoying me, and the kids are driving me up a wall. By the way, speaking of kids...just wanted to let you know that I volunteered you to coach Nicky's T-Ball team this summer. You need to be over at Carter Field next Tuesday at six for a coach's meeting."
Her humor does not amuse me. "Uh, yeah. So I see you've started drinking again."
"I'm serious, kid. The team's original coach got arrested for possession of child pornography, and Kevin's working nights and can't do it. So, I told the commissioner..."
"Wait. Did you say child pornography?!?"
"Yeah. Crazy, huh? From what I gather, Coach Sanders had a thing for 8-year old Asian boys. Apparently, He So Horny. So, anyway...I told them that you love kids, but only as a friend. And that you'd be happy to take over the team."
In the words of Lil' Jon...'Whhhhhaaaaatt'? (sorry, watched the VMAs last night). Anyway...I'm pissed. I mean, sure. I like kids and all. But that's because I don't actually own any. They're cute, they're fun and they like to play. But the difference is, when I'm done hanging out with them I can go home.
To my own house. Where it's quiet and everybody's all growsed up.
Where nobody screams at the top of their lungs, (aside from random things like "Faster, Harder, More, and OHJESUSOHGODYESMOTHERFUCKERRIGHTTHERE!!!!"). Where nobody cries (unless for some reason they've forgotten the "safe word"), and where everybody's potty trained.
"Alright. This is fucking ridiculous. I don't have time for this. Tell me...why on earth would you take it upon yourself to volunteer me—someone who knows nothing about kids—to coach a freaking baseball team! Forget it. I won't do it. End of discussion."
She's completely unfazed. Just laughs. Calm, cool and collected.
"Listen, Frankie. I did it for three reasons. One - because Nicky's your nephew. He idolizes you and you should want to spend time with him. Two - because you played the game all through high school and college. You're good. And you could probably teach these kids a thing or two if you actually decided to put a little effort into it. And three - because I think it would be good for you to do it. God, knows you spend enough time drinking with your buddies, playing golf and hanging out with these random hoochies I see you with."
"I...I...you...Hey! Those hoochies aren't random!" I blurt out. It's all I got. It's my only defense. She's right about everything else. Okay...so maybe she's right about the hoochie thing too. But what can I say? I'm a sucker for a short skirt, a pretty smile, and a low IQ.
"Look buddy...this conversation's over. He's your nephew and you're going to do it. So suck it up, buttercup. Besides, whether you realize it or not, kids actually love you...probably because you're nothing but a larger version of them. Who knows, you might even have fun."
God I hate her. She totally threw me under the bus.
So that was it. They gave me a clipboard, a whistle, a pair of those cool gym teacher shorts and I was fed to the wolves.
Now, I'd like to say that I was the type of coach that all coachs should aspire to emulate. That I taught life lessons that inspired. Gave pep talks that encouraged. Rallied my kids when times were tough and kept them motivated when the bats were hot.
But unfortunately for me and my chances of winning Coach of the Year...things didn't quite happen that way.
In fact, all the coaching, teaching and inspirational life lessons I was planning to give, pretty much boiled down to me spending every practice trying to keep a group of 5-year olds from throwing rocks at birds.
In fact, now that the season just ended, here are the top five things I have learned about Youth T-Ball.
1. These kids like to pick flowers in the outfield. These kids like to wave at their friends in the infield. These kids like to throw their mitts high up in the air and try to catch them with both hands. These kids do NOT like to actually play baseball. It apparently gets in the way of chasing butterflies and such.
2. The parents of these children truly want their kids to grow up to be slow, lazy, unmotivated adults. A fact that was made apparent to me when a formal complaint was filed by some nosy, overprotective mother who got her panties all up in a bunch, just because I made her 5-year old run suicide sprints for ten minutes.
"Oh, he's only five. It's hot outside. He's only got these little chicken legs." Yeah, whatever, lady. I guess if you want your kid to grow up and be an overweight 35-year old Dungeons and Dragons playing virgin who smells like ripe cheese (no offense to anyone reading this who may fit that description)...fine by me.
3. They don't keep score in t-ball. What the fuck is that all about. I mean, how can you tell who wins?
"Oh no...we aren't looking for them be competitive with one another," I was told. "We just want the kids to have fun." Are you kidding me? Yeah, that's real sweet and all. But that's just not life. Life is all about score. And competition. Who's winning, and who's losing. It's how you get ahead in this world. Competition is what keeps people sharp.
So at the first coach's meeting, I tell the parents that we need to abolish this bullshit rule. They just smile, and shake their heads at me as if to say, "Silly rabbit...you have so much to learn. Come back when you have children of your own. Until then, just shut your yap, follow our rules and baby-sit our kids twice a week."
Fine. Whatever. You can keep the score off the big board, but you can't keep it out of my head, you bastards. So, being the militant coach that I am, I secretly kept score when no one was looking. I fact, by season's end, our record was an impressive 7-2. Yeah, we totally kicked ass. Problem was, I was the only one who actually knew it. It's lonely at the top.
4. Horny, sex-deprived Single Moms. They're all over the baseball field. On my team, three of my kids had single moms. And let me tell you...they were ALL looking for someone to be their new Baby Daddy.
It was always..."you're doing this for your nephew? Aww...you're so sweet! Bet you'd make a great father." Um, thanks. But I've seen your kid pick his nose and eat his own boogers. No way I could come home to that train wreck every night.
And there was the..."You're an absolute doll. How is it that you're unattached right now? Bet you could use a woman's touch around your house. Did I mention what a great cook I am?" spiel.
No joke...every time I went to practice, one of them gave me some sort of food. Homemade Lasagna from Carla. Chicken French from Amber. Linguine with Clam Sauce from Tina. For some reason they all thought I needed to be fed. And they all offered to come over to my place and "heat it up for me." *winkwink*
Now, you'd think that kind of female attention would turn a guy on. Well, you'd be wrong. It actually reeked of desperation. Each of these women...blatantly working to snag a new hubby by summoning the all-knowing powers of Betty Crocker. And it's not like they did it because I'm such a great catch or anything. I think they just noticed the absence of a wedding band and descended like a pack of circling vultures.
I don't know. Personally...I'll take a confident, sexy, self-assured woman who can't cook toast, over a chick with a killer Meatloaf recipe any day.
5. Ice cream, pizza, and trips to Chuck E. Cheese. As coach, you're expected to not only hang out during practice and games, but you also to be the Free Junk Food Fairy. I swear I spent more money on double scoop Rocky Road cones this summer than you can imagine.
It's all good though. I'm the Coach. It's what I do. No need to thank me. Your kids running around like savages for hours on end, wetting their pants, and crying because a bee touched them—is all the reward this Cat needs.
No, really. I mean it. Think nothing of it. I do it for love of the game. And the kids are great. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be going now. I have an appointment for a Vasectomy at two.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a. whats wrong with using the single moms for sex?
b. make the damn parents pay for treats and shit like that. no reason you should be.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-01 17:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeahm I kept score in my head too
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*silently tosses lasagne in the nearest trash can*
Submitted by isetfires (user info) at 2004-10-02 00:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think that no one can love a little more than their parent. I also think that this talk of kids being sassy is fine, but love them more. I'd worry about kids who didn't like their parents....
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-10-01 14:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BoxcarChild (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-09-11 13:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UrfTheWog (user info) at 2004-09-05 12:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally Beautacious!
Submitted by phredde2 (user info) at 2004-09-04 20:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
otherpeopleskids
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-03 13:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is chocked full of fibre and now I gotta shit.
All Bran baby yea!
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So true....Replace t-ball with soccer and you've got me. Except I did it because they were hard up for coaches and offered to pay me the coach's pay (not much) in addition to any games I would have missed reffing (at $25 a pop). It paid some extra bills.
Oh, and NetProphet...about this....
"I don't want anybody making my offspring without my explicit permission and several signed forms saying that I am in no way responsible for its ongoing costs, development, or the mental illnesses it's afflicted by after being in my company."
Don't let her move to California. All the forms and signatures in the world won't save ya there. A woman got artificialed from a perm bank, took them to court to get the donor's name, and is currently getting child support from him. In spite of all of those forms and signatures.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Highly enjoyable.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:14:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my darkhorse for Uberlord.
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True dat.
I think I am seriously going to freeze a gallon of my sperm and get a vasectomy. I'll still wear a condom, but it will only be to prevent STDs. I don't want anybody making my offspring without my explicit permission and several signed forms saying that I am in no way responsible for its ongoing costs, development, or the mental illnesses it's afflicted by after being in my company.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-31 13:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice badlands!
I was on another plane yesterday since I'm on business in MD this week - there were some screaming kids a couple rows ahead of me. The parents could do nothing to calm those damn children. There was a relatively attractive girl sitting next to me and we got to talking about not having kids and birth control. It was a strange conversation to have on an airplane.
You should've taken advantage of the free women - single moms are often too busy to come after you after a one night stand. Then again, you'd have to see them at practice the next day...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-30 19:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent post. and funny as hell.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my baseball career is immortalized here, http://www.ubersite.com/m/18944
i could have been on your team.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I taught swim lessons, so at least I got to dunk the little fuckers *next post idea*
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-30 17:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
qwerty!
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-08-30 17:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain man. I coached T-ball last year and the first time one of those little bastards started running towards 3rd base I wanted to shoot myself in the head.
LGF
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-30 17:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now you understand why I was only a camp councellor for one summer.
It wasn't even overnight camp. Fuckin' 5 year olds.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-30 15:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
****ahhh sigh****
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-30 15:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-30 15:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thankgod for posts like this or no one would stick around
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-30 14:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastard.
When I was in little league, they kept score.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-30 14:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's posts like this that make wading through all the shit worthwhile. Thanks.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-08-30 14:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On my sons t-ball team a few years ago, the second baseman dropped his pants and peed on the base...little stain let a ball get by him too, seems like he may have tried to hit it with the stream though...
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-30 14:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, watersports
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-30 14:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went through the same routine with 7 year old hockey players. Bad news.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds like a plan to me. You just let me know when you
are up and running and we'll chat.
What's your favorite beer?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe - Thanks for the compliment. But I've read your stuff. And I'd like to avoid taking you on during UM at all costs.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tiger - Right now, I don't. But for you, I'll hook it up.
Besides...the season starts this week. We need to make plans. I'll order the pizza, you bring the beer. And my couch is just right for cuddling up all day long.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Status quo."
My requests for a spellcheck function on the review page continue to be denied.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Where nobody screams at the top of their lungs, (aside from random things like "Faster, Harder, More, and OHJESUSOHGODYESMOTHERFUCKERRIGHTTHERE!!!!"). Where nobody cries (unless for some reason they've forgotten the "safe word")"
I wanted you so badly at that moment.
"I'm a sucker for a short skirt, a pretty smile, and a low IQ."
It passed. Let's hear it for maintaining the staus quo.
You wrote this incredibly well.
I really, really, don't want to come up against you in Ubermadness. I'm going to get hosed.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad..do you have Yahoo Messenger? I am TigerLilly06053
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
((Blushing))) why yes I have been thinking 'bout you! ;)
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where ya been, Tiger? God, I've missed you. Been thinking about me?
I'm thinking we need to discuss wedding plans. You should email me. Capote777.at.yahoo.com.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I just spent the weekend visiting family, including my cousin's 5 year old. 20 minutes with that kid was enough to make me want to rip my ovaries out with a coat hanger.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2+2+2
I wish there was a rating higher than +2
Bad...This was awesome!!!
Oh, and we need to discuss our future together.
IE:
1) Laugh at all my jokes ..I love a man who can make me laugh. Case in point. this story!
2) Like Water Sports ..Yes although I am not very good.
3) Promise to go skydiving with me ..Never have..but would love too.
4) Love Al Pacino movies...Scarface is my all time favorite.
I think we have all the ingredients for the perfect life together.
And with regard to Football, I don't mind that you're not a Pats fan.
As long as we can cuddle on the couch on Sunday's order some Pizza and
drink beer. I'll be your cheerleader for ever.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
My kid used to build sandcastles at second base.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aahahaha. Other people's little kids are only fun and cute from a distance, a very large distance.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my darkhorse for Uberlord.