Deep Water Dreams - Part 4 (694 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.88 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2004-08-30 15:53:13 EDT
Took me awhile, but here it is. Bear with me kids; I've just now figured out my direction with this story and now I have to develop it. Many exciting developments and twists are forthcoming.
Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/41854
Part 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/41987
Part 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/42645
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Karen didn't speak a word as they drove to Jennifer's house. She needed any kind of release she could find from this nightmare. The fabric of her life had been shredded in the last few hours. The confusion of the day's events had overwhelmed her. She could feel her grip on sanity slowly sliding away.
She had loved Billy, but he was not hers to love. If what Jennifer had said was true, all the things he'd said to her meant nothing. She'd betrayed her best friend, and did it without remorse. She didn't care about what she was doing to Jennifer, and now it seemed karma had wielded a lethal blade in recourse. She would, of course, carry on and survive. It's what she had done her whole life.
Her mind drifted to times of innocence and care-free fun. Jennifer and she used to sneak out on Tuesday nights and lie on the beach, getting high. Her first real kiss was on that beach, and her virginity was lost there, too. He was a cute boy; he'd come in on vacation that summer. His time came up and he rode away, as they always did. Try as she might, she couldn't remember his name at that moment. Strange.
The night that Jennifer had kissed her, she didn't resist. In fact, few thoughts could bring back that hot, tingling sensation like that did. Karen shivered lightly remembering the pure, electric rush as Jennifer slid her hand along her thigh. She swore she'd never leave that seaside town. The moment they shared that night faded from Karen's mind as quickly as the promise she'd made so long ago. They were so young then and times do change.
As if dreaming, her mind spun endlessly between frames of time; nothing seemed real. The flat stretch of highway and the dull thrum of tires on the pavement sent Karen's mind careening between the day's events and high school memories. Her eyes were glazed and out-of-focus, showing only the lifeless emotion of a porcelain doll. Jennifer glanced over and her and smiled, "Close your eyes and rest, Kare-Bear. You'll be back home soon."
No longer struggling to fight or perhaps not even hearing Jennifer at all, Karen's eyelids drifted shut...
-*****-
A city of lights shone brightly in the far-off distance; its luminescence shimmering through the sky above it. Getting closer, magnificent glowing spires adorning huge, palatial structures seemed to touch the heavens. The sun glimmered high, yet dim in the blue-green sky. Two extraordinarily tall towers supported illuminated gates at the end of a broad road approaching the city. At the center of the glowing metropolis was a huge, domed building with its spire dwarfing all those around it.
A dark shadow drifted across the front walls of the city. A blinding flash of brilliant blue light ripped through the ever-present dusky sky. The towers bordering the gates crumbled upon each other and crashed into the interior. As the gates slowly crumbled away, a writhing legion of dark shadows spilled into the city like black tar into an alabaster mold. A second bright flash tore through the macabre scene. The gigantic dome at the center of the city collapsed upon itself and the darkness spilled into it like a crashing wave. One by one, the great city's grand architecture is consumed by the dark shadows until one small point of light remained.
Drawing closer still, a warrior clad in brilliant blue-white armor stood with two swords drawn. Terrible, frightening creatures surrounded and flew through the air around him. Dozens of carcasses lie strewn on the ground at his feet.
With each moment, the attacks of the demonic creatures grew more furious. A long, snakelike creature, not unlike a Chinese wingless dragon, drifted almost beautifully to the warrior's flank side. Gliding effortlessly through the air, it turned and made its lunge. The mouth opened wide as the lower jaw split into two mandibles, each lined with silver-white serrated teeth. The top of its mouth was filled with dagger-like teeth pointing beckoningly inward to its gaping maw. The warrior turned as the creature's jaws shut with a deafening crack.
-*****-
Karen snapped awake as a thunderclap shook the car.
"Good. I was just getting ready to wake you up," Jennifer said with the same eerie jovial attitude she had displayed all day. "We have a ton to catch up on, Kare, but I promise you that before tonight's over, you'll finally understand." Jennifer opened the car door and stepped out into the night air. During Karen's slumber, the sun of the day had given way to a warm, ocean-side night.
Her thoughts were still muddled by sleep, "Jenn, I don't think I can handle any-"
She cut herself off in mid-sentence as her mind became lucid. They were not at Jennifer's house as she had thought. They were parked at the end of a pier down by the south end of town. The now familiar feeling of stark terror penetrated into her bones. A name came drifting over the song of the crashing surf; it smashed into Karen's mind like a nail into wood. That cool, autumn night; all its memories and fears and empowerment, came flooding into her thoughts. None of them had been here since that night; it was a pact they had made. They never spoke of it again. Karen had very nearly forgotten that horrible night; the night they threw that bitch Kelly Whitlock off of Pier 46.
Jennifer opened Karen's door, "Come on. There's someone we should see. We don't have much time before she has to leave."
User Reviews
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-01-13 10:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good good good.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-01 19:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh huh! God, your fiction is so good! At this point there are about 15 different ways you could go with this story. You've got me guessing.
Fetish makes me sad. I am sorry to be part of the same species. If he were in front of me right now, I have no doubt I would break his neck with my bare hands...and enjoy watching as he struggled for his last wasted breath.
Funny thing is, he nor anyone else here even has a clue what I am capable of. People should really be more careful about who they piss off, even in the semi-anonymous landscape that is the WWW. Doesn't take much to imagine...
Anyway enough of that...great story, off to read more.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-01 12:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-30 21:26:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Back to the same old shit, eh, pretty boy? You just never know how close you are.
And after I stood up for you and apologized... For shame.
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Been there, done that. I've seen the issue from both sides, and as it turns out, he just happens to have a -2 fetish.
As for suggestions, I do have a few. You seem to be striving to find adjectives to define the mental picture you see when you are writing. The result is that you say too little with too much, covering the same objects with redundant adjectives instead of focusing further on describing the setting. I'm often guilty of the same, and I find it's easier to identify these areas if I come back to something 24 hours after writing it to edit and revise the whole thing before posting it.
Of course, I don't always afford myself that luxury. But allow me to demonstrate:
"With each moment, the attacks of the demonic creatures grew more furious. A long, snakelike creature, not unlike a Chinese wingless dragon, drifted almost beautifully to the warrior's flank side. Gliding effortlessly through the air, it turned and made its lunge. The mouth opened wide as the lower jaw split into two mandibles, each lined with silver-white serrated teeth. The top of its mouth was filled with dagger-like teeth pointing beckoningly inward to its gaping maw. The warrior turned as the creature's jaws shut with a deafening crack."
Taking essentially the same piece of work, and rewording it to avoid redundancy:
"With each passing moment, the fury of the demons grew as they made their onslaught. One creature, whose sleek, serpentile body could be likened unto the wingless dragon of Chinese mythology, cut gracefully through the air to lunge at the hero's flank. Its glistening teeth were like finely cut diamonds, beckoning him towards his demise. Turning a moment too late, he caught but a glimpse of the impending danger when the beast's jaws snapped shut with a deafening crack that rolled across the blackened hills."
Aside from that, this story has a great concept. You've a wonderful imagination; just be sure to take the time to tighten these up before posting.
Now I'm off to read your next chapter, and then to post something of my own.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-30 21:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another good post, keep them coming.
My suggestion: write more of this stuff.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-30 21:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Back to the same old shit, eh, pretty boy? You just never know how close you are.
And after I stood up for you and apologized... For shame.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-30 20:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-30 19:47:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
I appreciate the kudos, people. This is a work in progress. Are there any suggestions?
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Give up? (That's a suggestion)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-30 19:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I appreciate the kudos, people. This is a work in progress. Are there any suggestions?
Submitted by Mrboogie23 (user info) at 2004-08-30 19:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff. I've loved every piece of this. I need more.
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-08-30 16:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rrrgh... more!! i am not good w/ this much suspense!
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-08-30 16:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this one... Hurry up, keep it comin!