The Origin of the Only Holiday in August (887 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.22 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stan<juggalo44.at.mad.scientist.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-30 18:08:49 EDT
The sun was shining, like most August afternoons. I was out by the pool. I wanted that big yellow ball of fire to turn my skin to a nice light brown color. Then I realized that I am Irish and would look stupid with a tan.
"What should I do?" I thought as I leaped under the picnic table to avoid the UV.
Then it hit me. The table that is, it fell right on top of me and I realized that a giant leech of a human had tried to jump from the table to the pool, causing it to collapse on me. Yes, fat titty kitty had tried to jump in the pool. I was fuming.
"Hey bitch, why would you do that? Do you not realize that a plastic table does not have the capacity to handle your fat ass?"
"Look who's talking, fattie!" She yelled back.
I decided to do what any good, intelligent person with overflowing common sense would do. I pile drove her right into the concrete below. About this time, the office manager of the apartment complex came out and said,
"Now children, rough housing is prohibited in pool area. If I catch you pulling that stuff again, I will tell your parents, or kill you slow and painfully."
I had no idea why she was talking to us like we were children. After all, I was a whopping 8 years old and about to start my 4th grade year of school. Maybe it was the fact that she was 82 years old and a little senile. She always claimed that a warm cherry pie could heal any affliction and she smelled like a funeral home. I figured it was time to put the old lady out of her misery. I quickly went home and studied all three Rambo films. I needed a gun, some grenades, and a sweat band. I didn't have any of those, so I improvised. I got my fathers nail gun, some saved M80's from the 4th of July, and my sisters hot pink, Cyndi Lauper sweat band. I was ready for action.
Around 5 O'clock, when the office was closing, I crept up to the door and hid behind the bushes. She came out of the building right on schedule and I shot her in the kneecap with the nail gun. She buckled over and I lit the M80 but before I could throw it, I wanted to sound cool.
"I'm your worst nightmare!" would have been a cool phrase to say but I could not finish it off before the M80 went off in my clenched fist. The next thing you know, fingers and blood are flying everywhere and I am crying for my mommy. That's when the old bag pulled her own nail gun out of her purse and started screaming like a banshee. I was really freaked out now.
That is when I noticed something strange about her. Blood was not coming out of her wound. In fact, it looked like motor oil. Before she could accost me, sparks started flying out of her eyeball and she just shut down. I ran home and my mom drove me to the hospital. While we were in the ER waiting room, we learned that communist were trying to take over the world with help of robots. Apparently, an officer drove by and saw the woman in distress. He went to check on her and discovered that she was a robot working for the communist party in Russia. She was trying to brainwash the entire complex in rebellion. As soon as they found out that I was the person who discovered her and saved the city, they gave me a medal of honor and that, my friends, is how today became known as National STREETPUNK day!
Peace,
STREETPUNK
User Reviews
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-31 10:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Streetpunk day is my favorite holiday after groundhog day.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-30 22:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The bitch fest was better than the post though...
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-30 19:10:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I want insults that make me cry with laughter"
Your mom wants a penis that makes her cry with pleasure
and i'm your man
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2004-08-30 19:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ironic that you should mock me about speach impediments isn't it st-st-st-stan
i just want to see those wavy flahsback lines across the screen, i want all the old favourites, JP, PAS, catscradle, hendrix, murphy, loadnem, yidele, i want insults that make me cry with laughter
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"streetspunk" talks tough but he'll be "apologising" before you know it.
Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy... How did they ever let you out?
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Commie!
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Did you used to shine my shoes" I dont ever remeber giving you a foot wax.
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post was good though.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimmy, I think I vaguely remember you. Did you used to shine my shoes? Yeah, that kid with one eye and a speech impediment. How's your mom doing? Is she still churning out the retarded children for well fare money?
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I bought everything I own"
Yeah, I had a mcdeal once too.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
streetspunk talks tough but he'll be apologising before you know it.
hey spunky, this story's fine but how about posting something we can have a conversation about, with two sides and different opinions and all that jazz, like the good old days (2002)
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Nonsensical plotlines always strike a chord with me.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm....I have a job and go to College too. I bought everything I own, including this computer and my car....and note the words "if given a chance," which would involve being tough off screen to do that, which I am sure you are completely incapable. Nice try though but you are a loser!
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get a job you stupid fucking cunt.
If given the chance, I'd kick your ass.
Submitted by I fucked kristen and fetish go at 2004-08-30 18:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ICP Sucks.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-08-30 18:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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