Toys of Yesteryear... (1386 hits)
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Rating: 1.85 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2004-08-31 21:20:36 EDT
I've been thinking about toys lately, the old toys my friends and I used to play with at around age ten or so. A lot of those toys are now considered vintage (yet I am not considered vintage, go figure), and sell on collectors web pages (such as robot1968.com and yesteryeartoys.com) and sites like Ebay for astounding prices.
In defiance of today's politically correct, safety-first, health-conscious, education-oriented entertainment systems, I'd like to list just a few of the risky and dangerous toys I played with as a kid. Some of them were mine, and some were hand-me-downs from my older brothers, so the selection spans more than a decade, from Ike to LBJ.
The Auto-Destroyer - This very heavy D-cell powered machine gun fired 20 soft plastic pellets a second. If you put the pellets in the freezer beforehand, they were so solid they became embedded in targets like plastic, soft woods, and faces. Magnificent. The damn things were used in a Leavenworth prison break in 1971, and were pulled off the shelves after that.
Barby's Kitchen of the Future - The only item on the list just for girls, this Barbie rip-off from Hong Kong was a hit in the summer of '61, until parents got hip to the fact that the little Atomic Oven had a timer, but no thermostat, and the timers only shut off the heating element in the oven 50% of the time. A lot of little girls' bedrooms went up in smoke before they stopped this toy at the border. The mortal flaw of this toy led Hasbro to experiment with light bulbs in place of heating elements, and a few years later the Easy-Bake Oven was born.
Captain Yarrg - A lumpy alien 'action figure' (boys do not play with dolls), Captain Yarrg had a hollow interior and some plastic reeds in his throat. If you squeezed him, the air rushed past the reeds and he yelled, "YARRG!" Once the pressure was released his plastic body would resume its normal shape, 'inhaling' more air. Even better, if you squeezed Captain Yarrg empty and then let him re-inflate over, say, a bowl of Campbell's Mushroom Soup, he would suck up the soup, and you now had a toy that could projectile vomit at least three feet.
The Doo-Sling - Simply put, a small slingshot that fired a piece of dog or cat crap about fifty feet. The special stick-free surface of the 'payload pocket' ensured that moist projectiles were launched with ease. Historic note - this was the first mass-market toy to use Teflon. Curiously, the ASPCA led the call to ban this one.
The Fly Trap - The Fly Trap was a giant plastic bag that zippered shut. It was pretty much air tight, but it had ventilation holes in the top. It didn't do much besides seal you in like a giant sandwich bag, but if you took it to the beach you could walk on water briefly before if filled up. After a couple of dumb kids drowned they took it off the market.
Gumball of the Gods - Most chewing gums have a bit of rubber in them, but in 1968 China's Crazy Monkey Gum Company took the concept too far. They created gumballs with a base of chicle modified in the laboratory. When the gum base was broken free of its shell and exposed to the air, as happened when a kid chewed on it and blew a bubble, the modified chicle expanded at an incredible rate, creating massive bubbles. It was unfortunate that a few wimpy kids suffocated when they had the air sucked out of their lungs by this nearly self-inflating bubble gum, because this stuff kicked ass.
Heaven is Fun! - This board game from Parker Brothers was never a big seller, but some kids who played it found it so addictive (it really made Heaven seem nice compared to the real world of being picked on at school and yelled at by your parents) that they killed themselves to get a taste of the real thing. In the same month (April of 1962) Parker Brothers denied any liability and stopped producing the game.
The Impossible Box! - This toy box was imported from China, where it was actually used as an inexpensive safe for valuables! It looked like a plain varnished wood box, two feet on each side, with an open hand symbol on one side. A hinged lid opened into (and not out from) the box, and toys could be safely hidden inside. To open the other end and retrieve toys one had to memorize a complex combination of pressure points to be pushed. Most kids forgot the combination and ended up breaking the box open to get their stuff back. In 1966 some kid down in Florida crawled into one of these things and died. His parents only found him after they started to smell him.
The Mud Bazooka - This baby could have been used on the front lines in Viet Nam. It was a big air-powered bazooka that fired a ball of mud. This utterly fantastic toy disappeared after a kid in Indiana or Illinois got a mud ball in the face at close range and had all the flesh removed from the front of his skull. I think they rebuilt his face with skin from his butt or something like that.
A Quart 'O Warts - A short-lived Halloween item, this plastic jug (shaped like a milk bottle) contained little rubber warts. All you had to do was peel off the paper backing to expose the adhesive, and stick them on your face or body. They were hilarious. Unfortunately they were also a source of permanent disfigurement, as it was discovered that compounds in the adhesive reacted with natural oils on the surface of the skin, the end result being that holes were burned into the epidermis so fast and painlessly that it looked like the rubber warts were burrowing into their victims.
The Stink Cannon - So big it could only be fired using the shoulder-mount (included free), the stink cannon was a variation of the mud bazooka. It fired a ball of air, but you loaded little ampules of a benzopyrrole cocktail into the cannon and when ignited it released an atrocious, violently foul odor about thirty feet away from the shooter. Kids across America enjoyed playing with the Stink Cannon in the early sixties, until complaints from parents (reporting instances of widespread vomiting fits) forced the FDA to step in and ban the toy. Descriptions of the smell usually gave the impression of huge vats containing rotting meat and feces, shimmering under a hot sun.
The Venusian Space Blanket - In 1959 this foil blanket was included in the Junior Space Protection League Survival Kit, along with a bunch of plastic crap like sparking ray guns and a cheap compass and a tiny telescope. A forerunner of the metal foil 'survival' blankets we have today, this little item reflected back 100% of any heat directed at it. On one bitterly cold winter day a kid up in Minnesota wrapped one around his torso and put a shirt over it before going off to school. By the time the lunch bell sounded the kid had slumped over his desk dead, most of his internal organs cooked by his own body heat.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-01-08 14:33:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-24 12:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome!!!
I can't believe that this doesn't have more hits.
Submitted by Nyrea (user info) at 2007-09-24 12:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOVED the "Bag O' Broken Glass"...
How about "Johnny Invisibile Pedestrian"??? Do you have THAT?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about the Bag o' Broken Glass?
...or the Abandoned Refrigerator Time Machine?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's the fucking Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME POST
Are all those things real? The Space Blanket sounds impossible?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad recalls a toy named "Magic Wood," whose jingle went a little something like this:
Magic Wood, Magic Wood,
So fun it is to play.
No other wood will stick together
Like Magic Wood!
I also read a piece on weird 50s shit like a gimmick fruit juice sold in containers shaped like pistols, so the way to drink the juice was to put the muzzle in your mouth and pull the trigger. I suppose some children, upon finding the juice containers' real, metal counterparts, thought there must be some tasty shiny juice inside, like mercury (another thing to play with, if you had a broken thermometer).
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome!!!
I can't believe that this doesn't have more hits.
Submitted by Bornloser (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its always one or two dumb kids that ruin everything.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Author 1 <<Mortally Wounded>> at 2004-10-26 12:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-10-25 13:00:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not crazy about #2, but it gets my vote because bullfighting is bullshit and depicting it as a fair fight makes me want to puke.
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I agree with you fully. The way the sport is currently run is nothing more than pageantry...
I was not trying to glorify bullfighting in this story... far from it. I was using a purified version of it as a metaphor to describe some of my feelings about human nature. In particular how both good and evil are acceptable parts of our whole - i.e. "man is the cruelest animal" or "when he created bullfighting .. he created both his hell and his heaven", and how that nature relates to the inevitable progression of mankind into something greater - i.e. "What is great in every man is that he is a bridge and not the destination" or "[The bull] aims to seek the greatest challenge possible... Only if all men were like bulls, imagine what great things we could accomplish".
Sorry that you thought this was only a story trying to depict bullfighting as a fair fight. I put a lot more into it than that. You should re-read it and try to look past your own morality to see if you agree with my thoughts.
Submitted by alex at 2004-09-04 22:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha...owned
yay for sarcasm
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-02 14:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-02 14:49:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
grow up bitch
--
Thanks! Glad I was able to brighten up your day with a smile! Do call again!
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-02 14:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
grow up bitch
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Ralph Nader and all his do-gooder predecessors! Damn them all to hell!
If they had left well enough alone I probably wouldn't have to put up with the congenital idiots and spastic fools that plague my daily life. These toys could have elevated the human race. Natural selection and survival of the fittest at warp speed. Think of it!
Michelle
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-01 10:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-01 09:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-01 08:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Good stuff.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-01 02:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate that I was born in 78. All we had were lawn darts.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like a history lesson in urban legends. Still damn funny, though.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
INGWER-BROT-BLUTBÄDER SIND SPASS, NUN DA IST, WARUM SIE JETZT IHOFFNUNG ANORDNEN, die SIE VERSTEHEN KÖNNEN, Daß WAS Ich SAGE,OBWOHL SIE LEHRE ALLER LEUTE JETZT KIPPEN, BILDEN Sie MICH ETWASNAHRUNG Ich DENKE
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somehow funny but obviously entertaining. I wish I had those toys when I was growing up.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Total B@W stuff.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored at Work. I'll submit it.
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This ruled
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mr_Asshat (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:29:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget "Big Bag O' Glass", and "Johnny Flamethrower"
loved that sketch.
awesome fucking post.
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! Sometimes lives have to be sarificed to truly appreciate how wicked a toy can be.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I'd love to have a stink cannon....Can you imagine being able to blow a fart 30 feet... and my wife says I can clear a room now!
Submitted by IronChef (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Toys that killed...
Some companies have stupid ideas...
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr_Asshat (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget "Big Bag O' Glass", and "Johnny Flamethrower"