I'm not leaving without my bagels! (451 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Legitch (View user info) at 2004-08-31 21:30:36 EDT
It wasn't like any other day at the office. When I went in that day, there was some sort of current flowing through the space. It blasted out of the door into my face as I walked in. Something was awry.
I walked past a few cubicles, trying to sense what was going on that made the very air in the office eerie. I saw a few eyes poke up from behind computer monitors, bulging at me then quickly diverting their stare.
It's that feeling you get in your stomach when you're walking down the stairs and you clip the next one with you heel, just missing it and lurch uncomfortably to the next lower step, barely avoiding a nasty fall; The eyes told me it was something to do with me.
I knew I wasn't dreaming because I stumbled a bit after my epiphany and nearly twisted an ankle (I'm a huge klutz). Now more people were starring at me... and they looked... alarmed? Oh jeez. Was I naked? No... not nearly breezy enough if I were... Was there a hole in the seat of my pants? Did they figure out that it was I who had destroyed the copier a few weeks ago? DID THEY HAVE CAMERAS??? Shit. They would have seen me doing that thing in my cubicle... No, they can't have cameras. They would have seen what I had done in the hallway the other day, heh heh. No way they saw that. So what was it?
I pulled myself out of the bog of weirdness which was the first floor and made my way up to the administrative floor. That's a nice way of saying "Through the machinery room, up the outdoor stairs, and into the second floor with its lovely, scenic view of the parking lot." I settled down into my chair, pushed all the stacks of paperwork to the edges of my desk, and whipped out my bagel. Cream cheese? You bet your ass. This may require a trip to the fridge...
So I ambled my way to the company kitchen, the scene from downstairs now completely replaced with thoughts of "Bagel bagel bagel bagel, Bagel bagel bagel bagel, CREAM CHEEEEEESE!" to the tune of the Batman theme when I was affronted by a fellow office personnel.
"Hey there Amanda..."
"Bagel?"
"Oh, no thanks"
"No, I wasn't offering, I wanted to know why you're preventing me from preparing my damn bagel."
She looked like someone whipped her in the face. She gave me a bit of a glare and stomped off, muttering "Oh, now I see why. They're right"
Damn STRAIGHT you know why! Stopping me from enjoying a conversation-free bagel.
Wait up. They? Who the hell is they??
"Hey! Jenny!"
"My name is Jackie." (Scowl)
"Look, it's not my fault you're a sub-creature of the corporate ladder. Learn some damn social skills. That's beside the point though, who the hell is 'they'??"
"You know what? I don't have to answer to you, MA'AM." Oh, that was a snipey way to say Ma'am. Sheesh. Fine, you little snot. I'll take your insubordination to the exec. controller.
Ten minutes and a demolished bagel later, I was stewing in my cube about my encounter with Janice. They? Who was she talking about? And why doesn't she have to answer to me? This is all sorts of squirrely. Maybe I really should report her sassy ass to the head. I did outrank her, after all. Bah, I was too busy that morning. I mean, look at the huge stack of work I had to somehow procrastinate around! Yikes. This was going to take effort. Heh, Yikes. The used to make a brand of Yikes pencils back in the 90's with cool shapes and colorful erasers...Oh, wait, there was someone in the "doorway" to my cube. Hey hey! It's the controller! "I was just about to come and see you about a snotnos- -"
"Amanda, can I see you in my office for a moment?"
"Oh, hey, yeah! Right away! Let me just, *ahum* finish this tid bit of paperwork I was just slaving over and I- -"
"Yeah, now?"
"Oh, yes ma'am." (Notice the LACK of snipe when I called her ma'am. Snipey Jeannette had it coming to her SOOOO bad)
So we marched to her office, me with my head held high as I passed the other cubes. Yeah, that's right. I'm sitting in with the controller first thing in the morning. I'm TOP priority around here. I shot a quick glance at our new copier machine as I walked into the office and she shut the door behind me.
You know what I don't get? (I can hear you saying "A hell of a lot, is my estimate") I just don't get window-walls. Especially when there's a door in it. Well, that was the set up to the Controller's office. Big, transparent windows with a door set in the middle, showing her entire office to anyone in the hall. Her desk faced the windows, so, taking a seat facing the desk, I had my back to the hall.
And I can only imagine the show that went on for the crowd that had, completely unbeknownst to me, gathered in the window. When she pulled out the employee handbook, I knew something bad was about to go down. Fists were slammed on surfaces, writing instruments were flung, vulgar gestures were involved. I don't remember if I screamed or cried, but I do remember yelling. Then I remember her yelling back, "THIS IS WHY WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO!"
"YOU'RE A FUCK FACE, YOU KNOW THAT?"
"PLEASE CALM DOWN OR I WILL GET SECURITY."
"WE DON'T HAVE ANY SECURITY!"
Turns out we DID have security. They had apparently hired two thugs especially for this morning. I wonder why? I'm not that big or intimidating. But, damn, they had my number if they thought I wasn't going to go without a fight.
I could see it in my head; I could grab Julie and that letter opener knifey thing and retreat my way to the stair case with her as my hostage, shouting "I WANT SEVERANCE BENEFITS! BENEFITS OR SHE GETS JABBED PAINFULLY!" and make my way out to the roof... Shit, out on the roof? Where can I go from here? Quick! Lock the door! Ok, we're alone on the roof! I let Jamie go and tell her not to move unless she wants to be thrown off the edge. She wimpers a bit, and it serves her right for mouthing off to me earlier...The entirety of the office begins pouring out of the front door as I look over the edge of the building. I start hurtling loose bricks over the edge at the executives, shouting "30 DAYS PAID COMPENSATION OR ELSE!" *throws another brick* "AND FULL MEDICAL!" A small voice in the back of my head says "Dental would be nice, too" *Throws another brick into an SUV window* "AND DENTAL!" Wait, what are they doing down there? It looks like they're congregating. Holy shit! They're starting a fire!? I can hear cries of "Burn her out!" and "Good riddance!" I grab Joan by the hair and drag her up onto the precipice of the roof as the smoke starts billowing round me. "FIRE BAD! FIRE BAAAAD!" *cough hack* "NOOOOOOOO!" They're throwing burning portfolios and reports onto the roof. Maybe the roof wasn't a great idea anyway... I run back to the door and slam it open. The thugs are there, waiting despite the fire engulfing the roof. They tackle me to the ground and shout "YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, YOU'RE COMING WITH US!" No! I can't go out like this! I knee one hard in the groin and give a quick elbow thrust across the chin to the other and whip away. They're chasing me down the hall, getting closer and angrier with each step. "NOOOO!" I scream in near defeat. "I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT MY BAGELS!"
- - - - - - -
"You know what? I don't have to answer to you, MA'AM." Oh, that was a snipey way to say Ma'am. Sheesh.
"Hey, wait a second Joaquin!"
"I'M JACKIE, DAMMIT!"
"Sorry, Jackie. Wait up. Sorry. I was kidding about the bagel. Do you want a bagel?"
(She glares)
"Ok, forget the fucking bagel. Please tell me who 'they' are and what they were right about?"
...... "The people downstairs said you had bird shit in your hair."
User Reviews
Submitted by hummer_please (user info) at 2004-09-01 21:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Bizarre, but nice.
I used to have Yikes pencils!
Submitted by Legitch (user info) at 2004-09-01 18:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2004-09-01 09:09:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:27:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Your mind sounds like a scary place.
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but it would sure keep a person on their toes. what sort of rent would you charge me to live in your mind? is it the sort of place i would need a passport to travel to?
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Since my brain seems to have become such a hot commodity, it's not going cheap. At least $5 an ounce (if you're looking to own), well say an even $50 a day to renters.
Thanks for all the... er, nice reviews! :)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-01 09:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a hit and run +2ing
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2004-09-01 09:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:27:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Your mind sounds like a scary place.
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but it would sure keep a person on their toes. what sort of rent would you charge me to live in your mind? is it the sort of place i would need a passport to travel to?
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i do love the bagels, and you just made my bagel song
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-01 01:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bagel bagel bagel bagel, Bagel bagel bagel bagel, CREAM CHEEEEEESE!"
I didn't read this, but that line jumped out at me and is wholly deserving of a +2
Submitted by veins_of_glass (user info) at 2004-09-01 01:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh I get it
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your mind sounds like a scary place.