Caulaincourt, mon bel amour (2040 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.68 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I_Have_A_Kristen_Fetish (View user info) at 2004-08-31 21:50:51 EDT
The other night I was all stressed out about my tanking rating on Uber. After 36 hours straight of Ubering, I fell asleep on my semen stained PC desk. I had a dream. Well, more like a like a nightmare since it didn't involve computers or my black mustangs with kidnapped 5 years old in the trunks. Caulaincourt descended from heaven, hugged me and whispered in my hear "everything will be all right Fetish". Then we ended up waltzing and twirling on a deserted beach! After a minute of paradize, my face pressed against his chest, his entire body turn into sand and whish away into the wind!
I woke up with sweat running down my disproportionate jaw and came up with this conclusion:
Caulaincourt is the man of my dream! :) Teehee! Now, I can't go a day without thinking of him or posting about him. It's like some kind of an obsession thing, you know? *laughs nevervously*
I know I need help but I can't resist it. I wish I didn't have a criminal record of child abusing and stalking. This way I could go right through the border and spy on him while he showers. Just picturing water sliding slowly on his body brings great warmth to my bushy scrotum. As I write this, I'm avidly french kissing his picture on my monitor and ticlking the top of penis which is invertly proportional to my jaw. Sometimes I even micro-wave Italian sausages (I really do!) and stuck them in my ass crack before I go to sleep. This way I imagine it's his man junk pressuring against me as if he was holding me from behind. I feel so much secure this way *sighs with peaceful smile*
My name is I_Have_A_Caul...er...Kristen_Fetish and I love you Caulaincourt.
There, I said it, are you happy now?!?! *runs crying and hugging also semen stained pillows*
P.S. I'm sorry for this failure: http://www.ubersite.com/m/43565#769336 :~(
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The second part is much better. This one is filled with typos and errors.
Plus Fetish is not really actual news.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 Caulincourt.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is the single funniest thing I've ever read on Uber.
Beyond question.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-29 11:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quality
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-11-29 16:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I even micro-wave Italian sausages (I really do!) and stuck them in my ass crack before I go to sleep.
Christ on low-carbs!
"I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record." --Violent Femmes
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes me laugh every time.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-29 15:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jawsome post!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-28 00:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as promised.
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 19:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder...it would be an apocalypse!
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-21 18:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm crying
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-21 18:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-10-20 01:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great. And sadly, probably close to the truth.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-28 23:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BOOOOOOOOOO
FUCK YOUR A DOUCHE
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA
HAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
AHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA
AHAHAHHAAHAHA
HAHAHHA
AHAHA
AHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHA
AHA
AHA
HA
HA
HA
HA
HA
HA
HAHAHA
AHA
AHA
HA
HA
AH
"semen stained computer desk"
so true it hurts.
Submitted by Degreeless2 (user info) at 2004-09-10 22:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Fetish bringing out his spam brigade.
For some reason he only used the minutemen. He was probably too busy making new alters.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-10 22:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-06 21:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats jawmazing
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-03 23:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-01 13:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. I thought this was really posted by Fetish, so I never bothered to read until now.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hoorah! You've coined yourself a phrase; Jawsome.
+2 because Fetish is a queer. I'm tired of his whiny spammy bitching because he only ever gets +2ed by Lojope (for sucking up) and KoolMang (see Lojope).
Submitted by daggotht (user info) at 2004-09-01 10:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JAWSOME!
Submitted by l_Have_A_Caulaincourt_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-01 10:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I L0V3 Y0U B4BY!!!!11
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-01 10:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, now that I'm not awaken, this post is a grammatical wreck ! Oh well, at least I'm not pasting bad jokes as he is.
Fetish you're such a jawesome spammer ! +2 for you.
P.S. Stop calling me
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-01 09:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmm, what is this... *whips out his mystery solving kit...*
This isn't the real IHAKF...
__________________________________________________________
Everything you ever wanted to know about Caulaincourt
User id: 5604
Registered on or around: 2004-02-02 14:30:35
# Messages posted: 30
# Reviews written: 3364
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 994
# Hits: 16964
Average rating of all messages: -0.05
__________________________________________________________
but I'll let you slip by with a 0...
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-01 08:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty fucking funny.
Submitted by StabkiII (user info) at 2004-09-01 06:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by StabkiIl (user info) at 2004-09-01 06:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by StabkilI (user info) at 2004-09-01 06:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-09-01 06:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-01 06:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually it's the real life inspiration for Quagmire on the Family Guy.
But some people have said that this is indeed the real life IHAKF.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who is that in the photo? Is that the real I_Have_A_Kristen_Fetish?
Submitted by KillMe (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
INGWER-BROT-BLUTBÄDER SIND SPASS, NUN DA IST, WARUM SIE JETZT IHOFFNUNG ANORDNEN, die SIE VERSTEHEN KÖNNEN, Daß WAS Ich SAGE,OBWOHL SIE LEHRE ALLER LEUTE JETZT KIPPEN, BILDEN Sie MICH ETWASNAHRUNG Ich DENKE
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh microwaving sausages
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay, I'm giving in. Here, its all you're gonna get.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Only fuck, an ontarian gave me a +2! Who would've known ?! I even have a brother in Ontario and I don't ever talk to him. Well, it's because he doesn't care about his family but I bet living there didn't help.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
domenad, you have a jawsome point there.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes sense it would be a homo erotic dream about a french man.
Sorry, i couldn't resist. I'm going to go be uncultured now.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JAWSOME!! HAHA! That was a hilarious comment, AJ.
As for the post, it's good shit.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on Caul, don't bail on account of Fetish. If everyone did that, there'd be all of three users, and they'd all post porn.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, I think he fancies me. He's been trying to call me out since I've posted my picture.
I'm just making the task easier.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well SOMEBODY has a little too much wishful thinking.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you really want to leave over a large-boned mutant with too much time and semen on his hands?
Your English is pretty damn good, by the way.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
e mail.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"Actual jaw"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jawsome.
As far as you being gone, fuck that. Don't let what Fetish does dictate whether you stay or go.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-31 21:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know I'm suppose to be gone but fuck this guy.