The jobs I've had - Breaking dishes, sinking golf carts, and watching women change (1512 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.65 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hamilton (View user info) at 2004-08-31 21:55:40 EDT
In my long and illustrious life, I've held down a multitude of jobs. Some were good. Some were bad. Some were even kinky. But I grow ahead of myself. These jobs have taught me many life skills, like to avoid working, and then how to avoid getting fired.
Job #1 - Dishwasher
This job was awesome. I worked it with my friend. It was five hours Friday and Saturday nights, and the pay was good. The one problem was our aggressive side. Let me paint you a picture of the room. It was about five feet between the sink and wall, with a two foot wide dish rack trimming it down to three.
One night, as we were washing, my friend reached over and Dead-Legged (Charlie Horse for the Americans) me. I dropped the fork and hit him back. It quickly escalated. We started grappling. I had the advantage, so I spun him towards the sink for momentum, and then the other way. The thought of the full dish rack never crossed my mind. He had grabbed me so I went with him, and we both went full speed into the dish rack.
SMASH!
After taking a couple of seconds to figure out what the hell had happened, we looked at each other, and burst out laughing. We were still snorting when we got fired.
Job 2 - Maintenance at a Pool Hall
This was a pretty cool job. When the pool hall closed, I cleaned up. I've got many memories of that place, including the free bar drinks. One night, after cleaning up the vomit underneath a stool and wondering how the guy aimed it for there perfectly, I took the job of cleaning the pool tables. It was basically wipe them, make sure the cues are in one piece, and make sure that all of the balls are there. One table was missing the seven ball. It was pretty standard for a ball to get stuck inside the table, so rather than waste time calling someone, I took it into my own hands. The tables were notoriously cheap, and as such, were very light. I pushed the table underneath a light so I could see what I was doing. Bend the knees, grab, and flex the legs.
BANG!
That light I had positioned the table under was surprisingly low. After finding some Tylenol and a band-aid, my head felt better and I returned to work. Bend the knees, grab, and flex the legs. I got the table off of the ground and heard a satisfying click that meant the ball had rolled into the place. Unfortunately, these things were made cheap, and that didn't just influence the weight. The legs fell off, and before I could stop myself, the pool table fell. Now just because I said that it was light doesn't mean it was a feather. It was still a good 300 pounds. All of which came down on my feet. As it hit, I had the natural human reaction to an enemy that can't be beaten. I fell down.
Apparently, human legs aren't meant to be bent so severely, so in addition to breaking seven toes, I also broke one foot and sprained the other. My wheelchair was fucking pimp.
Job 3 - The Golf Course
This was the golf course across the street from the friend mentioned above's house. When everyone stayed over at his house on Friday nights, we would sneak out onto the golf course. We'd steal flags, spray toothpaste, toilet paper trees, throw signs in the ponds, and urinate at will. One day, my friend got caught with the flags at his house. Because he'd covered for me earlier for something else, I owed him one, so I said that I had gone out and taken them while he was asleep. I figured that there would be a slap on the wrist and maybe a fine. I didn't expect to have to work at that hell hole for half the summer.
Without pay.
My job was to drive a golf cart around, keep stray objects off of the courses, and prune trees. The only cool part was that I got to burn the things that I chopped off the trees. One day, bored with what I was doing, I formulated a plan. I tied a rope to the golf cart, gave the other end to a different friend on a skateboard, and headed toward the self made ramp by a pond. It all went according to plan. He hit the ramp, and went flying. He hit the pond perfectly. It was beautiful.I never realized how top heavy golf carts were until I was making the turn as to not drive into the pond as well. The damn thing rolled over. And over. And over. And over. And settled at the bottom of the pond. I've been told that my eyes have never been wider. The course decided that it was in their better business interests to 'discharge my services'
Job #4 - Football Stadium
http://www.ubersite.com/m/31868
Job #5 - Telemarketer
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30573
Job #6 - Stage Crew
This is my best job so far. Actually, it isn't really a job because I volunteer and don't get paid. But it's still awesome. In my school, the stage crew have their own room. The room is stocked better than my house. It has:
T.V
Nintendo 64
Lighting Board
Sound Board
Futon
Windows with no glass and a two story drop
Bar Fridge
Computer with none of the shitty internet filters. Nicknamed 'The Porn Machine'
Jet black walls.
About fifty kick ass CD's, from the tradition of graduating crew leaving their favorite CD.
That's one awesome thing. Another is the class I miss. Within a week (five days) I have 20 classes. I miss at least three of them every week to help out. Unfortunately, that leads to an increased rate of failing, but sometimes you've gotta take the bad with the good.
The third reason why this job is awesome is the view. Although I'm usually busting out some wicked lights in the stage crew room, sometimes I work the fly nest. The fly nest is off to the one side of backstage. It is completely invisible to the audience due to being so far to the one side. The fly nest is part of three rooms that go from the first to third story. The first floor is storage, the second floor is the fly nest, and the third floor is where you adjust the weights for curtains. From the fly nest, you control all of the curtains, backdrops, overhead stage lights, and anything that might be rigged up, i.e. people. But the view from the nest is incredible. There is a thick set of cables that go wall to wall in the nest, acting as a fourth wall. From on the stage, they are almost opaque. And the fact that they're a story and a half above people makes them usually forget about it. So during those shows where costume changes are required, little booths are set up for privacy. They are on the fly nest side, with two walls facing to the audience. Nobody can see the people changing. Except of course, for the people in the nest. You close your eyes for the ugly people, and keep them open for the hot chicks.
I like to think of it as my pay.
Seeing as how school's out, I can't get any pictures of the auditorium. Boo hoo.
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-09-01 04:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
well...you had some funtime during work right? *sigh...*
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" I've been told that my eyes have never been wider."
hahaha
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
INGWER-BROT-BLUTBÄDER SIND SPASS, NUN DA IST, WARUM SIE JETZT IHOFFNUNG ANORDNEN, die SIE VERSTEHEN KÖNNEN, Daß WAS Ich SAGE,OBWOHL SIE LEHRE ALLER LEUTE JETZT KIPPEN, BILDEN Sie MICH ETWASNAHRUNG Ich DENKE
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good call. Let's not put this on most heated.
Sleep well, you'll need the strength for when I hit you in the head with a frozen lemon.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ontarians are strong people: http://www.ontariousa.org/
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it, I'm gone for the night.
+2 for me actually sleeping.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looked it up, eh?
You're not stalking me, are you?
I'm originally from Calgary, but yes. I lived in Hamilton before the stupid hockey stuff.
I actually requested to be traded to the Bulldogs. That was before I met Eileen, though.
(Thanks for opening up an old wound, asshole.)
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So you lived in Hamilton before you joined the Manitoba Moose?
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine. Westmount, smartass. It was my OAC year.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a high school called 1999? Awesome
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1999.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Which one?
This conversation is killing my rating.
Oh well.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was on the stage crew at my high school.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caulincourt, you never cease to surprise
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Ontario ! OMG 1'M L|k3 4 FVCK1N' TR4|T0R !!!
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Were you in it or were you watching it?
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trust you?
I don't have to. That'll be my last Sears Festival.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They came off like a bunch of asses because they're all cynical bastards.
Trust me.
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The stage crew at Westdale came off like a bunch of asses.
I stole a Wagner CD from that box.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 22:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!!11!!!!1
UR SUCHA< PERV!