Why is a duck? The secret of life (3030 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.81 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Genko (View user info) at 2004-08-31 22:55:10 EDT
The greatest lesson I ever learned was taught by a man whose name I never learned. I never learned his name; and for a variety of reasons I don't belive he had one. I met him in an alley, one that I often cut through to get to work. I don't know if he had been there on previous mornings, but as I walked down the alley on that cold December day, there he was.
He was clothed in typical bum attire. His hair was long and greasy, his face a mass of stubble. He looked up at me as I noticed him. With a sigh, he looked at his watch, and then back at me.
"Two plus two now equals 5.129341," he said. "Please recalibrate your equipment accordingly."
I had already passed him by then, but I stopped and turned around.
"Excuse me?" I said, shooting him a somewhat accusatory glare.
"Can I have a dollar?"
"That's what I thought." I turned to walk away, but the man spoke again.
"Why do you so readily jump to obvious conclusions when the situation reaches beyond your level of understanding?"
Great. I'm now being insulted by a bum. Worse still, I can't think of a comeback.
"What?" Yes, this should work. I'll pretend I have a hearing problem, or some sort of attention deficiency.
"I told you something that you couldn't understand, so you simply assumed you hadn't heard properly. Pretty arrogant, if you ask me." He said without looking up at me.
"Have you considered the possibility," I countered, "that I simply assumed that you were another drunken, disheveled, ignorant bum? This city is full of them, you know."
"Good point. Perhaps I judged you to be stupider than in fact you are. Would you care to know the answer to the question of the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?"
"If the answer is 42, I'm way ahead of you."
"Close. But try to stop that. Thinking without consuming is bad for you."
The bum had started to sound as though he were reciting a script. His eyes stared at the wall, unblinking. He continued.
"When people find out the answer, they usually have a heart attack. That, or they write me off as another drunken bum."
"So the answer is to the question of life is that 2+2=5-point-something-or-other?" I asked.
The bum looked up at me for the first time. "Ignorance may be bliss," he muttered, "but stupidity is just bloody annoying." He returned to staring at the space in front of him.
"You should know," he said, "that this is now a contact situation."
"What?"
"We have made contact. This is extraordinarily bad. Something will have to be done," he said, shaking his head mournfully.
"This 'contact' hasn't been extraordinarily bad for me, outside of having to inhale your pungent stench."
"Are you awake? Are you aware of what we were not doing while making contact?"
"Uh...no." I said.
"Well, I wasn't doing anything of note. But you weren't consuming. Such moments of waste do carry terrible consequences. Like I said, something will have to be done."
I didn't know anymore whether to take the bum seriously or not. He carried a foreboding confidence in his voice that worried. Fortunately, his voice also carried with it the smell of whiskey, which soothed my nerves. I wanted desperately to believe he was a drunkard. I got the feeling that if he wasn't, his presence here would be alarming, at best.
"Who are you?" I asked. He ignored me.
"We have technology? Hell no. Technology has us." He said, his voice deepening into a growl with the last few words.
"The hour is upon us." He looked up. I had begun to hate it when he looked up.
"Hey!" I was shouting. "Eyes front, you're creeping me out!"
Just then, a wind blew and the sky turned dark black. People put down their briefcases, loosened their neckties, and left the streets. The bum stood up, grabbed my arm, and began to run out of the alley. I followed. We ran past the military officers and government officals that were crowding the street. The bum looked back at them, screaming.
"I served in Desert Storm," he yelled, "and all I got was this lousy chip in the base of my skull!" His expression turned calm, and then he looked at me. Still running, he spoke so only I could hear him.
"The answer to the question of life is 'why is a duck?'" I frowned.
"Why is a duck?"
"Yes."
He stopped running. We were in a park. The government men were gone. The sky had turned blue. The sun was shining, the air was warm. People were walking around with briefcases and ties.
"You're a consumer. Nothing more. The only thing that gives you the ability to believe the events you have just seen is your refusal to acknowledge that fact. You still insist on believing that you matter. In fact, you seem to have the inability to believe that you are not notable in any way. I admire that. But let me assure you that 'why is a duck?' has nothing to do with you."
With that, the bum turned and walked away. I shrugged, put my hands in my pockets, and began to walk in the other direction.
I thought about it later, and I figure that everything is trivial, in the proper context - if you're incapable of conceiving a hypothetical scenario or development that makes your life worthless in relation, it's only because you're too fucking stupid.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-20 17:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jeffdr (user info) at 2008-07-20 17:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why is a duck?
Because ice cream doesn't have bones.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-06-20 10:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only was this one of the most fun stories I've read on Ubersite...
It is largely intensified and made awesomer if you picture Christopher Walken as the bum.
You know, from that movie "Envy" with Ben Stiller and Jack Black? The J-Man!
"Valderi, valdera, valderi, valderahahahaHAHA!"
"Good for you, good for YOU... good FOR you!"
"I've got a FEvah... and the only preSCRIPtion... is MORE GOVERNMENT IMPLANT."
Yeah, if that last line was written under a picture of the J-Man attached to this story, it would have been B@W material, no doubt.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-20 02:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I thought about it later, and I figure that everything is trivial, in the proper context - if you're incapable of conceiving a hypothetical scenario or development that makes your life worthless in relation, it's only because you're too fucking stupid."
that has to be one of the most profoundly
idiodic things i've ever read, but
despite this it was extremely well
written and enjoyable.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-20 00:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I reviewed this.
Oh well, it's good. And very Pratchett-ish.
Submitted by RolusD (user info) at 2005-06-20 00:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the HHGttG comment... "42." Brilliant.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-06-19 17:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why is this getting positives?
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-05-24 23:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by okokididitbutiwasdrunk (user info) at 2005-01-05 17:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very good.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-02 13:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love hhgttg. best book series ever.
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UncleTeddy (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
moderately profound.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-02 16:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Why is a duck?'
Why not?
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-01 18:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's true, I owe this post to the ramblings of Mr. Teapot.
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-09-01 17:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would have given this a +2 if you would have cited Mr. Teapot.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Cool
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-01 10:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
FUCK IT ALL... you mean it's NOT 42 ??
God Dammit...now I have to rethink the whole thing
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-01 06:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-01 05:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lets continue this most deserved +2 streak.
Submitted by Deadly (user info) at 2004-09-01 04:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-01 04:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was thoroughly wonderful.
... I always thought the answer was 42 as well...
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-01 04:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 indeed.
Amen.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't quite understand this, but it was captivating nonetheless.
Maybe I'm just too fucking stupid.
===================================================
I think this post went a little over my head as well.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spectacular.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Er...
+2.
Yeah, that's about all I can think of to say.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't quite understand this, but it was captivating nonetheless.
Maybe I'm just too fucking stupid.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-01 03:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and he has trouble with job interviews!? getouttahere!
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-01 01:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-01 01:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unexpectedly awesome. I really have to go read the rest of your stuff.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what should you so if someone throws a cricket ball very hard at your head?
duck
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah that kicked some serious ass.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah woah woah slow down. Life is a secret?
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SIE WISSEN, SIE RICHTLINIE SOVIEL HINSICHTLICH, WARUM Ich DIESEANZEIGE BEKANNTGEBE, WEIL SIE SO SEHR VIEL Mich ANORDNEN, SIND ALSO ImRESPEKT FÜR SIE UND HOFFEN, Daß SIE MICH ZURÜCK SCHREIBEN KÖNNEN
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting ya damn panda fucker
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir, are fucked in the head and I like it!
A lot.
Duck you.
Submitted by EmptyRobot (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And god said to the man "Do you have any grey pupon?"
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good ol' Hamilton bums.
The smartest people in the city. Must be the pollution