Deep Water Dreams - Part 5 (793 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.81 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2004-08-31 23:46:07 EDT
<Everyone was riding my ass on getting more of these out and maybe four or five people reviewed the latest one. Well, here's part 5. Part 6 is already done but I'm revising it.>
<If any of you are fans of this story, you should pay close attention to the next few installments. Several new characters are introduced and I have three separate real-time scenes going on between different chapters.>
Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/41854
Part 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/41987
Part 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/42645
Part 4 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/43424
-----------------------------------------
Karen stared at the pier, not moving.
"Karen! The storm's coming. We have to go now," Jennifer demanded.
"I can't go back there, Jenn. We promised we'd never come back here."
"Yeah," Jennifer's eyes narrowed, "you also promised you'd never betray me. You said you'd never let a guy come between us. You think I don't know that's the reason you left here?"
Karen didn't respond.
"All these years you were lying to me. You acted so smug and confident around me like you were such a success and so happy in your life. Each and every time you hugged and kissed me, you were driving the knife into my back! Now, you just sit here staring off into the ether as if you're dreaming. It doesn't matter either way. You are going to see what this is all about. You're going to learn what I've learned and what you turned your back on when you left here. You didn't give me any other choice.
I didn't want you involved in this, but you are still such an intimate part of my life, Karen. I love you so much. You belong here with me. Usually, once a person leaves this place, they are severed from the power that lies here, but because of our bond, your ties with this energy are bound to this place as well. I know you've felt this. That's why you come to see me so often. I know you still have the dreams. I know you had one on the ride over here. Tell me this isn't true."
Only rarely could the distant thunder be heard over the constantly crashing surf. The night sky lit up with each brilliant lightning bolt. Rounding the corner at the South Point Lighthouse, a distant fishing trawler set off for its weekly voyage, its navigation lights barely visible from pier 46 as it headed out of sight. Karen stared at the boat's fading lights, a numbness creeping in on her emotions. Jennifer stared at her. She was convinced that she was still listening, if not responsive.
"Kare, you know all of these things I'm telling you already. I know you still keep the dream diary. You did it just for me, remember? The dreams are the key. They are the doorways to the answers for every question you've ever had. Look, enough already! I can show you that what I say is true. Get out of the car or I'll get you out."
Karen turned and locked eyes with Jennifer as she started out of the car. A blue-white bolt ripped directly overhead through the ink black sky. The shuddering thunder rumbled through the ground.
Karen, after her long silence, finally spoke, "So, what is it, Jenn?
"Are you going to kill me now? Is that why you brought me here? I'm not playing that stupid game all over again.
"We thought we were so powerful with our stupid little coven or cult or whatever, and what did it get us? We murdered another human being for nothing. We killed someone because of an ignorant high school feud. It wasn't just a trick or a joke! We meant for Kelly to die!
"It doesn't matter that she betrayed us. We were shits to her after we found out about her and my boyfriend kissing. We had to embarrass her in front of everyone. She got mad and keyed our cars; we deserved it. So what if she turned her back on our little 'group' because of all the stupid pranks? We didn't have to kill her."
"Karen, I'm not going to kill you and I brought you here to show you that we didn't kill her, either," Jennifer spoke slowly and soothingly.
"That stupid little witches' coven we were 'in', it was only the beginning of what this is about. The 'spell' we cast to forget her, remember how we were amazed at our own power when the town forgot about her, too? No one asked questions. No one cared. As far as anyone in this town was concerned, she just went back home.
"Or have you just forgotten these things? I didn't forget; I couldn't forget. I had to find out what had happened. What I found was so much more..."
Fat raindrops started smacking against the top of the car. The wind started picking up with steady intensity.
Jennifer spoke over the rising wind, "We're out of time. We need to go right now."
Karen took Jennifer's hand as they walked onto the pier. The wind started howling in from the ocean and the rain's pace was intensifying. The pier house was dark as they rounded it towards the end of the dock; no one had lived or worked there since the big hurricane that devastated the coast nearly 25 years ago.
In the brilliant flashes of lightning, Karen could see a person huddled on the bench on the end of the boardwalk. Drawing closer, the diminutive figure stood and faced them, the fierce wind clawing at the raincoat draped on its body. A strong gust whipped the hood off of the figure as the salty rain was now coming in a near horizontal torrent.
Karen winced as a searing blue bolt lit up the sky and thunder made the pier tremble beneath their feet. In the near-blinding flash, Karen saw a familiar face that brought both relief and terror in the same instant. It was Kelly Peterson, but not the girl she remembered.
User Reviews
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:17:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is teh awesome!1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-02 10:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like some kind of wierd mixture of "I Know What You Did last Summer", "The Craft", and a few other movies the names of which I can't think of.
You threw me for a loop on the coven thing. Although it was apparent Jennifer was some sort of Sorcerer from the first installment, I didn't suspect that Karen was a part of it. I am beginning to think that perhaps Jen is not the bad guy...but that she knows something.
You do such a good job of making each installment reveal just enough without giving anything away, while at the same time managing to thicken the plot.
You are going to do well with your writing. Keep it up! Definitely professional calibre!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-01 15:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-01 14:45:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Just to let you know, this story is basically being beta-tested on this site. This is just the rough draft. I write these, spell-check and revise them, then throw them out on the front page."
Which page is that? I'd like to see the final product.
"As for my style: Do you think I use too many adverbs?"
I think you have a very natural style when you're writing absent-mindedly and not with the intent to "write" in mind. Case in point: this very review I'm responding to. It reflects a natural flow of ideas more than your stories because it is a true reflection of your mind and not contrived. I think you'll find that revisiting stories after a day or so and reading them out loud to yourself or close friends will really open your eyes as to which passages feel the most natural.
"I'm purposely holding out on developing the past of my characters. I want the reader to have a vague recollection of their lives to be slowly and subtly touched on throughout the story. The past is meant to be hazy. At current, there are four characters whose lives are slowly coming together. They also have a collective past. I can't develop them too much without giving away some of the secrets of where this is going. Several new characters are forthcoming, as well."
Fair enough, but if you want to write compelling fiction, you'll want to show the events happening rather than using dialogue to reveal them. Working around your own plot intricacies will be a challenge from time to time, but can be done. Revisiting the past doesn't necessarily have to be accurate, either- you can relate it as fact, and then later reveal it to be the distorted memory of a warped mind. That's the beauty of the total control an author has.
"To be compared with the Uber-gods here is a compliment indeed."
That's how it was intended. =D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-09-01 15:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just wanna read it all.... c'mon already!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-01 14:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Prophet: I have appreciated and considered every piece of advice you've given me. I can't thank you enough for your honesty and enthusiasm. Great people like you are why I came to Uber and stayed here.
Just to let you know, this story is basically being beta-tested on this site. This is just the rough draft. I write these, spell-check and revise them, then throw them out on the front page. Alongside of these, I have the second draft, with many, if not all, of your suggestions incorporated into it. This stuff just spills out of my mind, and I'm out of practice writing fiction. I'll also have a third draft and fourth and final draft before this series is complete.
As for my style: Do you think I use too many adverbs? I tend to over-use them if I feel like the flow and rhythm are lacking. I try to create sentences that flow into the rest of the dialogue/story and often times I stumble. It's developing, though, and I'm starting to get back into it. I can see the difference coming through between Parts 1 and 5.
Finally, a note about character development. I'm purposely holding out on developing the past of my characters. I want the reader to have a vague recollection of their lives to be slowly and subtly touched on throughout the story. The past is meant to be hazy. At current, there are four characters whose lives are slowly coming together. They also have a collective past. I can't develop them too much without giving away some of the secrets of where this is going. Several new characters are forthcoming, as well.
-----------------
"Your creative genius will produce stories that rival the best authors on this site... after you've learned to properly harness it."
-----------------
-I've not been told many things on the 'net that make me blush, but this one did. You flatter me too much. All I can say is: Wow! Thanks. To be compared with the Uber-gods here is a compliment indeed.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-01 13:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wolf, you have an excellent creative mind. This series is taking on a great direction, and it seems you've collected your thoughts on how you desire to have it play out.
But the dialogue feels quite contrived, and doesn't reflect any personality in the characters. Each of them acts, presumably, as you would in that situation- a good way to start writing, but not a way to start good writing. Develop the characters and their personalities, and use dialogue to reflect their perception of a given situation- not to relate the situation to the reader.
In the immortal words of the sacred JMG: "Tell less, show more."
This chapter, while mainly dialogue-driven, could have been infinitely more powerful if delivered from the perspective of relating the events as the occurred in the past. IE: Show a group of young girls engaging in diabolical practices, a heartless murder, and a coverup that deceives an entire town. That's some good tamale.
Your creative genius will produce stories that rival the best authors on this site... after you've learned to properly harness it. Please take this into consideration, along with my comments on Part IV, when touching up Part VI. Never be afraid to make massive changes to a "finished" piece of work if you feel that it can be better delivered. Make two documents on your computer if you like, saving the old in case the new doesn't come out as you'd hoped... but I think you'll find that a story gains depth, detail, and perspective each time you make massive revisions to it. This is because, quite simply, you gain a better understanding of what you desired to relate in the story as you rewrite it again and again.
Best of luck in your efforts, and keep up the good work.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-01 11:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Confusing and weird, but interesting. I really want to see where this goes.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-01 02:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-01 01:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent stuff! Keep it up!
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is teh awesome!1
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-01 00:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool