There's no business like Schmobley Business (557 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.75 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EdselSpeedy_THC (View user info) at 2004-09-01 14:11:43 EDT
Well, new friends, let me begin by telling you that I work for a company that appraises schools, and I probably have the easiest job known to man. The pay is ok, the perks are good (high school girls dress so slutty nowadays, every classroom is filled with little Brittney Spears fantasies) and my co-workers are good, honest guys and easy to get along with. Except for one.
Ken-O is a 38 year old man than I work with. It is difficult to think of him as a man, as he has the mentality and looks of someone far younger than my 28 years. He is like the retarded little brother I never had, nor wanted. Ken-O is a fat skinny guy... not fat, but no muscle tone and a gut from years of inactivity. He has no chin, plasters his hair to his misshappen head with gallons of hair spray, and has terrible hygiene. Mouth goo builds up in the corners of his small, pointy, Gollum-esque lips. Unholy amounts of this white crud sprays out when he talks.
His wardrobe was last updated sometime in the Reagan era, and he wears pants too short for his chicken-like legs. Color-striped socks make up the difference, with an occasional break to knitted ones. A favorite shirt of his has flags from various and sundry countries plastered all over it; I remarked to him once that he looked like the Spanish Armada under full sail. A Member's Only jacket and ancient New Balance sneakers round out the outfit.
He is annoying; he will walk up to you and tell you all about his weekend of bowling and gardening, and you didn't ask, nor do you care. He has a poor command of the English language, and cannot say "district" (dissrit) nor "vehicle" (velhicl). While talking to a stranger, or a business officer at a school, he will become nervous and click and pop and spray spit and mouth goo everywhere, until someone else takes over the meeting. He wil brag on and on about compliments paid to him by the boss, long after the fact, and long after anyone cares.
His nickname is Schmobley, Schmobes for short. We're not sure where the nickname came from, but it is befitting of such a factory reject in the game of life. The point of this post, dear readers, is to describe to you the ultimate prank; the piece de resistance of the prank world that we played on this schmuck. He is the most annoying person I have ever encountered.
Three weeks ago, Schmobley was rewarded with the end-all-be-all of our company; he was given a company car. A 2004 Taurus. Brand new, she was, had that new-car smell. Schmobley was so proud. None of us could figure out why he got the car; he works slower than molasses and makes errors constantly. Our company is just that fucked up. I digress.... the car is gold, with a beige interior. Power everything, a real De-Luxe company car.
Our other company car is a 2002 Taurus, and it's seen it's share of use. It's blue, with a blue interior. Last week, all six of us drove to Ohio from Chicago to work in a district there, and we took both cars.
Schmobes had his Taurus waxed and shining for the trip. We all flipped coins to see who would have to ride with him, as everyone hates his guts. He is oblivious to this, and will talk your ear off for hours about *BORING CRAP*. Thankfully, I won, and rode to Ohio in peace and quiet.
Two of my co-workers, and myself also, were mechanics before we started this wonderful job. Sitting in my hotel room, late at night, enjoying a few barley pops and a little inspirational smoking material, we came upon a wonderful idea. Walking outside, we found the brand new taurus parked all the way at the far end of the parking lot, across two spots. Schmobley's new pride and joy, his new Taurus hot rod. We got the keys to the other Taurus, and moved it next to Schmobley's. I broke into the gold car using it's antenna for a slim jim. Procuring the basic tool set I always carry with me on road trips, we began to dismantle the cars. First the trunk and hood, then the doors. Easily removable interior parts came out, along with the door panels and the steering wheels. Then, the cars began to be re-assembled, mixed-and-matched. Gold hood and trunk on blue car, and vice-versa. We re-hung the doors and ended up with two technicolor Tauruses, blue and gold two-tone. They actually looked pretty good to me. We locked up the cars, and went to bed, chuckling about tomorrow's fun.
We awoke early before Schmobes got up, and hid in the bushes to watch the fun. He came stumbling out of his room with an armload of crap to put into his trunk. Of course, the key would not work. He did not notice that the trunklid was blue, and his car was gold. He's too dumb. So then he tries the driver's door; once again, the key would not work, the door was from the other car. Schmobes still has not noticed the mis-matched body panels. Finally, we walked up to him and pointed out the fact that the car was multi-colored. We thought he was going to cry. The five of us were roaring with laughter... a bunch of truckers that had seen us swapping parts the previous night were roaring with laughter... hotel maids, other patrons... all in all, there were about 20 people that had seen his confusion, and most were there that sunny morning, laughing away. Schmobes was freaking out... his new car, now ruined by his asshole co-workers.
Schmobes didn't quit, unfortunately, and we put the cars back together a few days later. He reported us to corporate, who laughed at him again. Corporate called our supervisor and asked nicely that we fix the cars. I had no problem with this.
I want this guy gone from my life; I hate working with him, everyone hates him at this company. for some reason he doesn't get fired. I need advice here, people... give me some good ideas to drive this jackass crazy so he quits.
Thanks for reading, and have a good day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Edsel_Speedy <doctorthrottle.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-03 12:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pictures being developed as we speak. I'll make a new post at that point!
Thanks all.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-02 09:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2004-09-02 06:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story, if you find a way to get him fired make a post of it, there is a bloke who works at the store i work at. he irritates me.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-01 21:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not too bad. I would've loved to see a picture of the cars.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-01 15:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment