My take on Jesus and Religion, or "why I'm going to hell" (759 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Noah's Ark> (View user info) at 2004-09-01 23:44:39 EDT
Friends, let me begin my lecture with a tale.
It was Saturday night. I had just gotten through surfing Uber and I thought that I would just surf the web for a little while, and then maybe go to bed. I was looking forward to a peaceful and altoghether mundane, normal night. Oh friends, this was not to be.
I had not but clicked on one of my Favorite "Favorites" when suddenly I was assaulted by a bizzare pop-up ad. This was no normal pop up ad. This was a terrible terrible pop up ad.
What sort of pop up ad, you might ask? Well friends, prepare for a real shocker.
This was no X2 secret spycam pop up ad. No friends, I did not win 1 million dollars, nor was i the 464592.34th viewer of the website. No, this was a far more dastardly pop up ad.
It was a GAY PORN pop up!
"What could have prompted this invasion?!" you must be wondering.
Well, it could have someting to do with all the gay porn I was masturbating to at the time; however, that is illogical! And bizzare! Unprecidented! Mom? I swear!
Anyway I have come up with a far more LOGICAL and SANE and LOGICAL reason for this unprovoked attack on my hetrosexuality. This was not the doing of any petty adware or hidden cookie in my internet explorer history folder. NO, this was the scheme of a far greater, more EVILER power.
I BLAME THE CATHOLIC CHURCH!
Now, before you all Christians get your collective holy panties in a holy bunch, Let us think logically for a moment. Who but the Catholic church would have the means to propogate such heinous blasphemy? Could Buddha do it? The fat bastard probably couldnt even log on to AOL!
Perhaps A-Rabs moslem terrorists in Iraq, or the French could perpetrate such a devious schemel; however, I have conclusive evidence contrary to such claims!
I can see you clutching your cross and gasping for breath. Please! Calm down! Have a sip of holy water to soothe the fire of the Lord that is now certainly burning in your bossom!
I know that at this point your faith in the pope has been all but eradicated, but a thought is stirring in your mind of minds. You've read your scripture! You've been to sunday school! Something about this Catholicism and gay porn strikes you as incorrect! Ah! You remember! You know in your heart of hearts that God hates fags! THE BIBLE SAYS SO! Why would God's children promote such blatant faggotry under any circumstances? Of course, this has all been a big misunderstanding.
"Ah-HA!" You say, "It was indeed the malificent Adware that years of chronic gay porn use has brought upon your computer like the wrath of God upon the heads of the A-Rab Moslem terrorists, or the French!"
Oh friends, how I wish it were so.
Alas, the truth lies elsewhere. Consider for a moment the Catholic church's stance on homosexuality over the years. You'll find that just a few years ago, the then leader of the church Jesus "Habeeb" Christ was a steadfast bulwarke in the defense of homosexuality. He hosted massive orgies in the forests of Nazareth, with copious amounts of man-love involved. (you try wandering around the desert with hundreds of men and just one woman)
Jesus's followers practiced the teachings of mansauce happily in the forests for hundreds of years, until the Evil Roman Dude Pointy Pilatimus came and said, "Jesus the Emporer does not approve of Gay Butt-Sex in any way shape or form. You will have to cease and desist your man-lovings immediately, on pain of death."
This did not ring right with Jesus. "No Pointy, no! That's ignorant! Love your brother! Come on people now! No!"
Oh cruel Irony!
Pilatimus, outraged by Jesus's outburst, had him arrested.
Now friends, in an interesting aside, I will inform you that THIS POINT IN HISTORY which I describe to you marks the commencement of the tradition of sodomy in prison, a tradition that has lasted over 2000 years!
But friends, I digress.
So anyway, when Pilatimus discovered that Jesus was spreading his "gospel" so to speak to the prisons of ancient Rome, he got really pissed off, and nailed Jesus to some sticks.
Right so fast forward give or take 2000 years. Now the Church outwardly supresses homosexuality in order to pander to the masses, corrupted by the perverse teachings of Pointimus Platipusimus. However, the Church does not forget its heratige, and now seeks to reinstitute Jesus's lost teachings through cleverly placed gay porn pop ups.
Eat your heart out, Mel Gibson.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-06 21:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Retaliation rating.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-09-03 13:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for the over used picture
+2 for a Well written and obviously true dictation of the Church.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 15:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-02 15:15:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be in ubermadness asshole.
I am in ubermadness buddy, but as Ridejohnnyride. I dont really like that name so after Ubermadness Im going to be through with it.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-02 15:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be in ubermadness asshole.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-02 10:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't really find the post entertaining or funny, and I've seen that picture before somewhere on Uber.
Meh.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-02 08:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. I hated it. But I think that's what you were going for.
The +1 is for th PH original.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-02 02:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture alone
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-09-02 02:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. i'm speechless. i like how you threw in the buttfucking in prison part for good measure.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-09-02 01:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This has nothing to do with the review, but the other month, I was at one of those california missions. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against catholics, but don't you think it's just a bit strange for them to sell tiny 1 ounce plastic bottles of "Holy Water" inside the gift shop for five dollars?
Submitted by Shooter_McGavin (user info) at 2004-09-02 00:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it must be true
Submitted by n0se69 (user info) at 2004-09-02 00:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was pretty good, but the picture really did it for me. Anyone ever wonder if the catholics use butt plugs?
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-02 00:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Between the text and the picture, I dub thee worthy of a +1.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-02 00:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite possibly the best piece of written work in the history of literature...
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-01 23:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If this reminds you of a post you saw on pulsehead, it is becuase I submitted it in an unrevised form there way back. I remembered it, and tried to spruce it up for uber purposes, becuase it amused me.