Ever wonder why it costs so much to get a teenager insured? (1451 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.04 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Noah's Ark> (View user info) at 2004-09-02 16:51:00 EDT
Today my grandparents came over for a visit. I love my grandparents a lot, they're great people. Unfortunately they are a bit, oh how should I put this?
Uber, my grandpa could lose his car in an otherwise empty parking lot.
So anyway, my grandparents came over. I rushed downstairs for the obligatory small talk, hugs, and kisses. Old people love hugs and kisses.
I greeted them on the front porch of my house. While talking to them, I noticed my grandpa had left his car in the driveway, instead of parking in the street. I, being your average teenager, am inordinately excited to drive anywhere. So I let it slip in the conversation that my mom would be coming home soon, anticipating that my grandpa would want to move his car out of the driveway into the street.
I offered to do it for him, being the all around kindly, helpful grandson that I am.
Yes, I also anticipated that my grandpa would forget that I am not lisenced to drive in the state of New Jersey. Perfect! He hands me his keys and I scamper out into my driveway, my heart pounding. As I let myself into the car I remembered what would prove to be quite an important fact.
I have no idea as to how to drive.
See, I've been behind the wheel of a motor vehicle perhaps 5 times in my life. I tried to learn to drive a stick, but that only made the inside of my dads car smell bad. It was pretty cool becuase i got lightheaded. He didnt think it was cool though.
I actually failed my permit test. (although I blame that on the stupid Egyptian lady arguing with the man at the DMV, she kept screaming at him to give her a lisence, he would not, hilarity ensued) But I digress! Back to the story!
So I put my seat belt on, made sure the car is in park, and stuck the key into the ignition.
I turned the key, as beads of sweat dripped down my forehead, stinging my eyes and soaking the neck of my shirt.
Nothing!
I turn the key again, harder this time, but still, the damn thing wont budge! Maybe if I try turning it clockwise?
VROOM
Success! The engine roars to life! I did it! The names Earnhardt, but you can call me Dale, oh yeah baby.
My next challenge is to find out which pedal is the gas. This will require some thought. I know that the car is in park, so no matter what, it wont go anywhere. I eenie meenie mieine moe, and pick the pedal on the right. I slam my foot down on it, like in the movies.
Uber, my heart stopped. That was one of the loudest things I've ever heard. Thank god Grandpa is hard of hearing! He looked at me and smilee, so I stuck my hand out the door to wave at him. As I wave, it hits me. I forgot to close the door. I grinned sheepishly and slammed it shut.
So now that I've got the door closed and I've discovered the gas pedal, I'm ready to rock. I turn on the radio, and what song starts blaring out but Steppenwolf's classic Born to Be Wild. Perfect.
With my foot on the brake, I ease the car into gear, singing along to one of Rock and Roll's greatest hits. I turn to face the rear of the car, and check the street for incoming cars, children, small animals, etc. It's clear. I smile, confident in my ability to "head out on the highway."
In one flowing motion I release pressure on the breaks and gently increase pressure on the gas. Uber, I'm moving! There was only one problem. Instead of approaching the road backwards, I was approaching my garage, moving very very forwards.
I did what any self respecting driver would do in my situation; I squealed like a little girl and hit the brakes. I now understand the importance of the seatbelt, and I have the red line in my chest to prove it!
Well, I recovered from the whiplash, and put the car into reverse, and backed out of my driveway without much trouble. Score one for the good guys, baby. As I exited my driveway, I ran into the next problem. How do I turn, while going BACKWARDS? Aas I pondered this question of the ages, I heard a slight thump and felt a gentle jolt, and suddenly I felt as though I was on an incline.
"Oh shit, I hit a kid! Mrs Plumber will never let me borrow sugar again!"
Oh imagine my relief when I heard no squeals of pain, no sickening crunch of bone. Uber I didnt hit anyone! I simply backed up onto my neighbors lawn! Those tire marks should go away by next spring, nothing to worry about. I smiled to myself at the thought of not spending the rest of my high school career in Juvenile hall, and set the car into drive. This next part would be easy, because when you're driving forward, you just have to turn the wheel in the direction you want to go. I turned the wheel hand over hand like my mom does, and nudged the gas pedal. Suddenly I was perpendicular to the curb! I had done it! I parked the car!
Wait.
Why didnt the car stop?
Oh god.
Trash cans at 12 o clock!
*ALL HANDS ON DECK BRACE FOR IMPACT*
Have you ever seen a large, angry, horny dog run headlong into a gaggle of geese?
Like a crazed, 2 ton bowling ball I rolled through the garbage cans, propelling trash and broken plastic through the air. The only thing I could think of was how dead I'd be if there was a tree in the middle of the road.
Then I recalled a fact from my past. Cars come equipped with BRAKES. My foot found the brake, and pressed it. Once again, I got to experience the joys of whiplash. I looked out the window. Perfect! 6 inches from the curb, front and back!
I put the car in park, removed the keys from the ignition, hopped out, and proudly surveyed my work.
Now, about this time my neighbors decided to come home from work. I had to think fast and use my wits to escape this situation. I had, after all, mauled their poor innocent trash!
They're still out looking for the stray dog that got into their garbage.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-12 22:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Now I understand why you gave me a -1
Also,
Dale is dead!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-01 23:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh
Submitted by GuyDude (user info) at 2005-03-28 02:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cheezy at parts, especially addressing Uber, I thought that was pretty lame. But it was well written you just need some more interesting material.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-09-03 12:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awful
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-02 23:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not a bad post, not exactly standout material either. Keep at it though, there is certainly some potential in there.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Before you get too fucking elated, have another -2 for being a dork.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks stoned, I appreciate it!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Common sense is essential to driving.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
0.66
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
0.33
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"He was wearing tan trousers and an Argyle sweater..."
"No, he's not retarded."
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it was fiction, than here. Best I can do for you is raise it up to roughly a 1.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus christ, this post was mostly fiction.
Yes I can start a car, no I'm not retarded.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dear god, I was doing donuts at age seven.
You don't even know how to start a car at 15? Or are you 16?
Shame on you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oops. Didn't mean to say that last comment...out loud.
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-09-02 19:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was at least worthy of a +1...what's with the negativity?!
Heh.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-09-02 19:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bastard.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 19:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gracias.
A few go rounds on the ol' exercise bike probably wouldn't hurt, either.
Just a tip....
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was bad. My yard took a good beating from the Storm no-one knew was there.
I'll lay off La Hacienda and egg salad sandwiches for the rest of the week...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PS. Lay off the beans tonight.
I'll be in Charleston next week.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You kids got poured on last week in Mount Pleasant while I was up in Niagara Falls gambling, golfing, getting hammered and chasing beaver.
I know one thing...I'm not going anyfuckingwhere when Frances hits...not with two greyhounds.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mt. Pleasant -
I think I do - I'm off tomorrow.
Look for me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hilton Head Island, to be more precise.
Why, wanna come do me?
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:39:57 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck, you sound like a complete and utter dipshit.
NEVER drive in South Carolina...please. This state has enough problems.
___________________________________________
Shlongy is in SC? hmmmmmm....
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with Loren that it takes some talent to make parking a car interesting. This certainly doesn't deserve a negative rating.
It took me far too long to get the hang of left turns. Stupid left.
And the mention of South Carolina reminded me of how funny it is there when it snows...people just keep crashing into stuff.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That just means that for once, you got one right, Fetish.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For once I agree with Schlongy:
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:39:57 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck, you sound like a complete and utter dipshit.
NEVER drive in South Carolina...please. This state has enough problems.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck, you sound like a complete and utter dipshit.
NEVER drive in South Carolina...please. This state has enough problems.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by <Noah's Ark>
Ever wonder why it costs so much to get a teenager insured?
-
Because the older you get, the easier it is to spot death & disability lurking around every corner.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah.... wasnt much. very average. I dont understand your inability to drive. The first time i drove, it was like a natural instinct.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It could have been funnier, for example, to say something like "My grandpa could lose his car at a drive-thru...."
That's not funny.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 17:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-02 16:58:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Cute, in an adolescent sense. Keep writing - because you did manage to make a simple thing like parking a car interesting.
"my grandpa could lose his car in an otherwise empty parking lot"
It could have been funnier, for example, to say something like "My grandpa could lose his car at a drive-thru...."
==================
Thanks for the advice! Coming from you that means a lot, what with your reputation when it comes to those under 21 :)
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-02 16:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cute, in an adolescent sense. Keep writing - because you did manage to make a simple thing like parking a car interesting.
"my grandpa could lose his car in an otherwise empty parking lot"
It could have been funnier, for example, to say something like "My grandpa could lose his car at a drive-thru...."