A Better Future For All (886 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.58 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (View user info) at 2004-09-02 20:05:44 EDT
Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow members of the human race, it is time for us to start facing facts:
There are too many of us, and it is destroying our planet and our chance for survival as a race.
There are already 6.39 billion or so people currently in existence. This estimate is set to grow by over six million every month for the foreseeable future. This overpopulation of our planet is believed responsible for a number of things, including:
- Environmental degradation, including but not limited to:
- Global warming
- Large-scale desertification
- Damage to the Ozone Layer, as well as:
- Depletion of natural resources, leading to conflict over what remains
- Widespread famines
- Wars fought over territorial claims
Unlike many people who claim to tackle the issue of overpopulation, I am not going to chain myself to a tree, stop bathing, wave a placard at a rally, donate money to the 'Save the Gay Whales Foundation' or get blown up by the French while sitting on a boat in Auckland Harbor in 1985. Instead, I am going to outline the cause of this problem, and offer a viable solution.
The Cause:
This can be succinctly stated as: Stupid people over-breeding.
Let me expand on this a little. There is a widely observable negative correlation between intelligence and fertility (i.e. More intelligent parents have fewer children). Additionally, the issue of hereditary intelligence needs to be taken into consideration. While it is not a hard-and-fast rule, statistically it is more likely that a child raised by stupid parents will (as a result of their stupid genes, and the stupid surroundings they are brought up in) grow up to be a stupid adult themselves. (Assuming of course, they don't try to remove something from their toaster with a metal fork or play 'race the train' down at the local rail-yard prior to reaching maturity.)
The practical upshot of all of this is that the stupid proportion of the population (which is already dangerously large) is growing, and it will continue to grow unless action is taken soon. As the world fills with stupid people, humanity as a whole stands less chance of finding clever and innovative ways to set about cleaning up the mess we have made of our planet, or simply colonizing another world to start the process over again. Failure to act will only reduce the lifespan of our environment, and ultimately our species.
The Solution:
Much study has been undertaken in the field of eugenics, bettering the human race through selective breeding. I however, believe that eugenics is entirely impractical, as many people currently breeding feel that bringing their dim-witted spawn into the world will improve the human race. Needless to say, it is pointless trying to convince them otherwise, for the second you use a polysyllabic word their eyes glaze over and they start talking about their favorite episode of Springer.
For the makings of my solution, I turned to classic science fiction. Mostly the movie 'Cube', but also, in part 'Logan's Run'. My proposed system would work something like this:
A large cubic structure would be built; it would essentially be a maze. When a child reaches 18 months of age, they are placed inside the cube (The flashing hand-implanted gems featured in Logan's Run to indicate age would be optional). Inside the cube there would be a series of hazards and dangers to negotiate. Obviously, the difficulty of the maze would be scaled down somewhat from the movie to a level where it is challenging for an infant, rather than an adult (knowledge of prime numbers and their powers will not be necessary). The hazards would have basic warnings but remain highly lethal to those who do not heed them. A metal floor, for example, might give the subject standing upon it a slight shock, before 5 seconds later putting 100,000 volts through them.
The children that successfully make their way out of the cube return to their parents, and enter society as smart, tough or just plain lucky individuals; assets to future society. Long-term psychological damage should be minimal. After all, how many memories do most people have from before the age of two? The infants unable to survive the challenges will be processed and donated to the United Nations World Food Program.
Funding:
As you will have already guessed, there is a major problem with this plan. How will you build the cubes? How will you collect the children? How will you pay off those pesky human rights lobby groups? Without money, sadly, many great ideas are doomed to failure. Fortunately, this particular idea is self-funding. "How?" I hear you ask. At the heart of it lie two words: Reality television.
By placing cameras inside the maze and televising it live, this project will be perpetually profitable. It will be like the proverbial bus crash - you don't want to stare, but you just can't look away. Viewers will be glued to their screens. I expect the aforementioned stupid proportion of the population to make up the main viewer segment, and thus (through delicious irony) become the primary source of revenue.
Income can also be derived from advertisements. As viewer numbers soar, what is to stop companies from plastering their advertisements throughout the interior of the maze? The walls in the flamethrower room will fetch a certain premium, naturally.
Naturally, further funding will become available once the gambling industry gets involved. With the project a guaranteed cash cow, no venture capitalist in their right mind would be unwilling to open their checkbook for startup funds.
The Result:
Within about 100 years of implementation, a vast majority of the stupid people in the world will have died out, the human population will have shrunk dramatically and the remaining people will be more intelligent and hardy than their forebears. At this point, the project can be suspended - perhaps indefinitely.
- There will be less of a strain on the environment and natural resources
- Shortages of food and medicine will be far less common
- A more intelligent human population will be able to advance technologically with rapidity
- With less people sharing the same amount of land, conflicts over territory will also be far less common
- There won't be any more stupid people doing annyoing, stupid things
In short, the world will be a better place, and the future of the human race will be a brighter and more prosperous one. Ladies and Gentlemen, we stand on the cusp of a great historical moment. If we take the first steps now, our generation can be responsible for ensuring the future grandeur of our entire race.
It is time to seize this opportunity.
User Reviews
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-01-10 21:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That would make for an incredibly entertaining final solution.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-04 00:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"The infants unable to survive the challenges will be processed and donated to the United Nations World Food Program."
That's just plain wrong.
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Waste not, want not.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The infants unable to survive the challenges will be processed and donated to the United Nations World Food Program."
That's just plain wrong.
Cudos!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-03 05:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only problem is nobody likes to see babies hurt, even stupid ones.
This post is humurous and a little out there, but the theme behind it isn't that bad, stupid and lazy people shouldn't have kids. I wouldn't have a problem with people who want to recieve welfare or public assistance having to have one of those birth control implants that keeps them sterile for five years.
Liam for Pres 2008
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-03 05:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality
Submitted by ColonelAngus (user info) at 2004-09-03 05:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any mention of Logan's Run get a +2. One of the best films ever.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-03 02:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww shucks, thanks. If this is the kind of praise you get for posting drunken ideas, I clearly need to go out and get drunk more often!
Anyone in the Tokyo area want to get drunk with me this weekend? I'll even buy the first round!
Submitted by Jadey at 2004-09-03 01:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're amazing!
First of all, I believe you are aware that over population is a misconception and
Secondly, you took that misconception and made it funny for us misconceivers to enjoy!
Well done!
:)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, awesome
Submitted by finfan3 (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was one of the most AWESOME things I have ever read! Count me in! Yeah, I know the overpopulation things is settling out and all, but wow, that is just... wow! That's one of the best solutions I've ever heard! ;) Haha, I'm sure Don will agree on the awesomeness of this post!
Gahh, I can't think of words fitting to such greatness! ;)
Sorry, I was really bored, and that was really random. I loved it!
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
over population? now there's a term i dont agree with. there's enough room for everyone to have at least three hundred square feet to put a tent on.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 22:59:23 (#)
Ranking: -1
This concept is sort of overdone.
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Yeah, a little. Although my take on it comes with 100% gigantic-cubic-baby-pulverizing-planet-saving goodness. Honest.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 22:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This concept is sort of overdone.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-02 22:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Daking, I agree with you wholeheartedly - overpopulation while a problem is not the biggest we face...
This post came out of a drunken conversation in a New York bar with my friend's boyfriend... actually, the origin really isn't that interesting... point is, I got bored and worked it into a post for uber.
As for reality, it's overrated.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-02 22:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmmm the only major flaw in your whole piece is that it is based on outdated statistics.
THE MAJOR crisis facing the world is actually an aging and shrinking population. (Except for those bloody Islamic extremists who are breading to take over the world)
The UN's figures are showing that the worlds population is peaking with fewer babies being born later and death from AIDS in the third world, along with the usual starvation etc, and the one child policy in China starting to reverse the whole trend.
Now the problem for the West is that there will be fewer workers trying to support a lot more retirees.
The problem for China is that the number of boys now far outweighs the number of girls. Too much pent up testosterone has GOT to be a bad thing.
Africa's problem has always been not that there is not enough resouces and land but the people do not have the money to develop and so concentrate in small areas. That and the political environment that does not encourage outside investment and the stripping of their resource by Western Nations who return little to the country.
Even in the famous famine in Ethiopia that country exported wheat when the people were starving. (what else could they do, they had nothing else to sell).
The funny thing is that the highest population density in the world is Brussels and nobody is screaming that it is overpopulated. (sure we could get rid of a heap of beuarocrats and that would be good but for other reasons.)
So summary is: a funny post but basically flawed. But then who cares about reality anyway.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-02 22:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well thought out, even if you're not serious. And Cube kicked ass.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-02 21:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:11:05 (#)
Ranking: -1
Great, extend the pregnancy termination period to twenty-four months, what a good idea. Lead by example.
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Sure, thing. Hand me a baby.
(Just because this wasn't posted under humour doesn't mean any of it was serious)
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read all of it, but I understand the underlying message: we're going to fuck ourselves over in the near future.
I will honestly reveal this about myself: when the time comes, I'm having a vasectomy, and storing sperm in the bank. Vasectomies are the perfect birth control, and I'll tell you why. It's like adding sweetener to your coffee instead of sugar. As in virtually the same, just lacks the magical and invisible ingredient.
I'd probably have one because we already have too damn many people. I'd probably have one because gas prices are going to be so high in the future and - let's face it - it'll cost a LOT of money to convert us all to hybrid cars. You see on shows like Maternity Ward and "A Baby Story" about babies being shitted out daily, by people who didn't plan their pregnancy or whatever. I was born in the generation where we're taught about the environment and it's future, and I'm fully aware of it. These parents AREN'T. They're just obsessed with their slimy and shitty "bundle of joy" that's going to be the next generation of Earth-rapers because they're cutting back on environmental education.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Great, extend the pregnancy termination period to twenty-four months, what a good idea. Lead by example.