I have some bad news for you, DonkeyOnTheEdge (994 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.07 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Disektor <random.address.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-03 00:14:14 EDT
Being the only person on Ubersite who knows of this, I felt I should tell you of the untimely death of your cousin, DonkeyOnTheSofa.
This particular event happened a few months ago. I delayed posting it because I was unable to deal with the fact that Donkey had actually died, and then after those 5 minutes had passed I just plain forgot to post it. Sorry. Anywho, on with the story...
It was a warm Spring day and Donkey lay sleeping in his pen. He awoke to the sounds of voices, and the smell of what appeared to be oats! Donkey wandered over to the edge of his pen and watched two teenage boys approach him. Donkey believed that the two boys were bringing him his lunch, a tragic mistake.
The teenagers opened Donkey's pen door and led him out. Donkey trotted out and was greeted by repeated blows by the kids steel bats. Had Donkey possessed the ability to speak I'm sure he'd have said "What the fuck do you little shits think I am? A Piñata?" But alas, Donkey had no such ability and since Donkey was being constantly hit he had no chance to kick those bastards in the balls.
After the teenagers finished beating the bejesus out of Donkey, they walked off, leaving him out of his pen. Donkey was bruised and battered, yet still quite hungry. Donkeys are always hungry after all. So Donkey mustered all the strength he had and made his way over to the bag of oats that were left lying around. Donkey tore the bags open with his teeth and devoured the delicious oats. After a few minutes Donkey began to feel ill, very ill. Within a few more minutes Donkey had died, the oats he had eaten had gone bad and had poisoned him.
The teenagers who beat poor little Donkey were found and arrested. However, since the boys beating the Donkey with bats was not the actual cause of his death, charges against them were dropped, and they were set free. Donkey was later buried in a pasture full of flowers. Either that or he was thrown off a cliff somewhere, I really don't remember which.
And yes, this was a true story. It was in the paper here a few months ago. I'm not sure if it was actually Oats that the Donkey ate, but it was some sort of grain-like food. Regardless of what he ate, I think we should all take a few minutes to pray for Donkey and reminisce over his short, but eventful life. I think this post would also be a great place to post your condolences to DonkeyOnTheEdge who I am sure will be quite emotional for the next few seconds, and possibly even the next few minutes.
User Reviews
Submitted by RapSupaStar (user info) at 2004-10-03 02:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
for you street folks, here is a direct translation, i tried to use wut i lurned in skoo:
IM DISEKTOR AND I FEEL THAT THIS IS A STORY ABOUT MY LIFE. I ACTUALLY LOVE FUCKING DONKEYS AND I FEEL THAT DONKEYS ARE GOOD TO EAT TOO. THE REASON WHY I LOVE DONKEYS IS BECAUSE IM A JACK ASS AND I LOVE TO SPEW JACKSHIT OUT OF MY ASS AND MOUTH. IM ENTERTAINING YOU WITH THIS DONKEY BECAUSE I JUST CANT SEEM TO WRITE ANYTHING ELSE THATS GOOD... GOD IM WORTHLESS AND NEED A GOOD BEATING... PLEASE BEAT ME...FAG
Submitted by Spookyx42 (user info) at 2004-10-03 00:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 you for being a critical bitch
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-03 08:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...for using the word "anywho".
Which is gay.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-09-03 02:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Random...very RAndom.
But funny none the less.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-03 02:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fortunately for me one of the kids involved happens to come into where I work to get food.
Someday I will exact revenge.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-03 01:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the support, guys. DonkeyOnTheSofa was so young, so innocent.
<pause for moment of silence>
I already notified Los Cappaburros Locos. As seen here. http://www.ubersite.com/m/42237
They will find these teens who took the life of DOTS and make them pay dearly. In Mexico, they sell punk ass teens into the black market for weed.
Beware, farm fucks, beware the wrath of Donkey.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jadey at 2004-09-03 00:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
ROAST IN DONKEY HEAVEN HALF BREAD!!!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im crying right HERE
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey everyone! Nancy doesn't get it. Ahem.
Submitted by Nancy (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dont get it
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, i remember that time at his birthday, when instead of blowing out the candles he sneezed all over the cake, good times.. good times.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey man,
If you ever need someone just to listen, I'm here for ya.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehaw
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey I feel for ya, man. If you feel like you ever need to cry, just let it out. It feels better when you do. Best wishes.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 00:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sniff* i wanted him to have, like, five thousand of my babies.