Holy Shit! I'm a Nose-Picker! (4026 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2004-09-03 08:55:28 EDT
-- Snot - nasal mucus, mucous secretion, mucus - protective secretion of the mucous membranes; in the gut it lubricates the passage of food and protects the epithelial cells; in the nose and throat and lungs it can make it difficult for bacteria to penetrate the body through the epithelium. --
After years of regressed reality and living in a state of denial, I'm coming clean. I, William Zone, am a nose-picker. I'll let you have a few moments to let that statement sink in. I'll be busy...picking my nose, feel free to pick your nose as well. Dig in.
In the meantime here is a Fun Fact to digest: Compulsive nose-picking is known as "rhinotillexomania," and "Mucophagy" is the consumption of the mucus thus extracted.
I truly realized I was a nose-picker the other day. I had a green and mucousy epiphany. I was trying to open one of those lighter fluid containers, and I couldn't get the nozzle up with my finger, so I took out my pocketknife. I used the corkscrew to wedge the nozzle into the upright position. While doing that I managed to make a deep little cut into the inside of the tip of my index finger on my left hand. It hurt and stung like a bitch. I filled my Zippo lighter, closed the top of the lighter fluid and went about my day...forgetting about my wound.
A few hours later, I'm on my couch, watching something (probably mindless) on TV, I stick my finger up my nose and start digging...but alas, due to the wound, it hurt. I pull my finger from my nose while saying "Ow." I then realize, as I examine the wound on my finger, and the bright green boogie next to it, that I'm a chronic, yet closet nose picker.
How long have I been picking my nose? My whole life I imagine...hell everyone does, right? But the important question is: Where did all that snot go? Where do I subconsciously deposit all my nostril prizes? On the rug, in my hair, under the couch, on the brims of clean coffee mugs, on the earpiece to my roommates cell phone? God knows.
Fun Fact #2: Did you know that artist James Robert Ford collected mucus from his nose for two years and displayed the resulting ball of snot at four separate art exhibitions is now ready to part with his prized possession -- to the tune of roughly $20,000. In Ford's words, "It's a physical record of all the different places I have been and people I've met." The London artists brussels sprout-sized "Bogey Ball" now rests in a glass case on a shelf in his apartment, but he is seeking an art collector to take possession of it. For more info, and yes some pictures: http://www.jamesrobertford.com/homepage.htm
To think after all these years of picking my nose, I could've been saving it all and sold it to some sick-o collector for $20,000...ah hell, who am I kidding, I'm Will Zone dammit...I could've sold it for $20,007!
I'm fascinated by this nose picking culture I seem to be a part of. I've picked all sorts of sizes, shapes, colors and consistencies out my proboscis ("Proboscis means nose by the way." - Adaptation). I remember one day I picked this one monkey out of there that was solid and green on the "head" of it, where my finger latched on, and the rest of it was this really long, and really slimy white "tail" piece that must've been about 3 inches long. The second it came out I got the chills and was able to breathe again. We need to pick our noses, its natural.
The one place I've never picked my nose was in the car, which seems to be a popular locale for this dirty deed. I think I realized at a young age that the glass in car windows in two-ways, and if you can see out, then whoever is outside can see you. I've seen too many people pick their nose in the car...where do they put it? On the dash? Under the seat? No, on the passenger side headrest!
Remember the Seinfeld episode where the hot girl caught him in what appeared to be a nose pick, but it was really a nose scratch...yea, I remember that too. Oh, that Seinfeld.
Oh and by the way, our President is a nose picker, here is your photographic proof: http://www.infowars.com/headline_photos/April/nose_bush.jpg
Fun Fact #3: Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor. Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies. He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up. Dr Bischinger said: "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner. "And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system." See the rest here: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_903083.html?menu= File that Doctor under "Don't let him treat your children."
Struggling for an ending, and feeling poetic, I will close with a haiku. 5-7-5
Deep I dig inside
Searching for my green, brown prize.
Is it on my face?
You can stop counting the syllables on your fingers now.
Oh Journal, "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."
Will
PS:
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
OH SNAP!!!! Take that King of...King of....King of Snot! Zing!
User Reviews
Submitted by Rob at 2004-09-05 19:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is Robert Donald, and I am a nose-picker.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-03 18:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-03 18:02:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."
My Grandma decided to put that to the test back in the day. The guy got so mad he threw a couch out of the window.
--
That's so fucking funny it's gotta be true.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-03 18:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."
My Grandma decided to put that to the test back in the day. The guy got so mad he threw a couch out of the window.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can stop counting the syllables on your fingers now."
You slimey green bastard...you got me.
And I like to pick my nose.
And wipe it on the girls.
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always thought that picture was real.. Until now. He must have a bloody long finger too.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture is obviously fake. Look at the angle of the back of his hand in relation to the way his finger is coming out of his eye. His finger would have to bend backwards to come out of his eye at that angle.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're funny. The Haiku was the pinnacle of this work of art.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-03 13:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pick your nose and pick your bum, then you'll have some bubble-gum.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-09-03 12:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whern you were a kid did you ever trade boogers with a friend to see how their boogies taste?
me neither.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so much hate
WZ reminds me of an evil Santa Claus, a huggable evil Santa Claus
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:10:14 (#)
Ranking: -1
Rambling and unoriginal."
Wow...you're just picking up on that now.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I just found out that my criticism applies so well to me. Except for the writing part :(
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, no, not the writing. It's above fine.
I'd say the replies. Sometimes you make annoying supercilious comments on people's posts and will speak of yourself in grandiloquent/self-important way. Other than that, I like you.
Of course, this is only my personal perception. I'm more likely to be wrong than right.
+2 for asking
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, despite my complete inability to handle the sight (or thought) of snot...
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A solid 1.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
is this the zone backlash???
stay tooned viewers to UberTV.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Rambling and unoriginal.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 11:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I always thought that Willzone was morphing more and more into a pretentious ass. Honestly."
What can i say? I'm an MVA...top 10 no less...in less than a year...I'm more awesome than everyone... (excuse me while i vomit)...now, where was i.
What can I say? am i pretentious? or do I just abhor uber-crit? Is the writing pretentious? or the replies?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but sorry to say the photo's fake, and it's easy to spot.
Look at the angle of the index finger entering the nasal cavity... It is almost parallel with the other fingers. If the finger was fully extended, it would be entering into the cranial cavity.
However, make a fist and slightly raise your index finger from the rest of them, and apply the first knuckle to one nostril, and you have that exact effect the guy is using there.
The end of the finger is photoshopped in.
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best Haiku Ever.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yum.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For a booger post, this was suprisingly amusing
very good!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
Also, I think it's kinda funny...I always thought that Willzone was morphing more and more into a pretentious ass. Honestly.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Will Zone!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I picked while reading, just for you.
Oh who am I kidding, I would have picked anyway.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and also you might be right.
It's probably because I'm just an old guy here who's "been too long at the fair" so to speak. Instead of just ignoring stuff like I usually do, I am speaking my mind. I should probably just go back to ignoring stuff I think is stupid and concentrating on the good things.
Submitted by Robot9598 (user info) at 2004-09-03 10:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, Will. I was generalizing, not speaking or accusing you of thinking everything you write is gold.
What I am trying to say is, writing is great fun. It's not so much fun though when you write a piece that you genuinely enjoyed writing and feel it is a really good effort and then people slam you for it.
Happens here all the time. Happens to you, happens to me, happens to everybody.
I really thought this was worth a read, I just think that sometimes you try too hard to be funny.
Main Entry: high·fa·lu·tin
Pronunciation: "hI-f&-'lü-t&n
Function: adjective
Etymology: perhaps from 2high + alteration of fluting, present participle of flute
1 : PRETENTIOUS
2 : expressed in or marked by the use of high-flown bombastic language : POMPOUS
Hmmmmm....maybe somebody else has a bias.
I should probably just keep my mouth shut. It's safer that way and I really like you Will. Don't know why because I don't really know you, but you seem like a good guy.
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Because it was entertaining...and RESEARCHED.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry just winding you up as I know how seriously you take yourself and all
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"What makes it not so much fun is when you expect everything you write to be gold"
I honestly expect everything i write to be shit.
when you were reading it, did you get that impression...that I thought it was gold...was that my writing, or your bias when reading it?
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Id like to give you some constructive criticism, but I didnt read this.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You have issues with me because I think this is worth reading?"
No, you've been a little high-falutin of late is all.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:25:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
i have been known of occasion to finger myself.
----------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the 'pick' of George Clooney and Saddam Hussein's love child.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:14:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bigmike, I got issues with you...but I found this to be highly enjoyable to write. and its got a nice flow to the read. Come on, where else will you read about booger balls for sale...and our president picking his nose....nowhere else.
all the haters are still in the closet with their nosepicking...come out...be loud be proud.
then again, thanks for you opinions.
Will
I'm sure it was very much fun to write Will. That's part of the enjoyment of writing, it's fun. What makes it not so much fun is when you expect everything you write to be gold and then people tell you that it's not (or its snot if that's more appropriate).
You have issues with me because I think this is worth reading? I wish everybody thought my stuff was worth reading.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have been known of occasion to finger myself.
what?
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cloyingly mucophagic
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was both well-researched and hilarious to me. But then again, I have a childish sense of humor.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read.
I gagged.
I loved.
I picked.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't want to know what I do with my snot.
No, really.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bigmike, I got issues with you...but I found this to be highly enjoyable to write. and its got a nice flow to the read. Come on, where else will you read about booger balls for sale...and our president picking his nose....nowhere else.
all the haters are still in the closet with their nosepicking...come out...be loud be proud.
then again, thanks for you opinions.
Will
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I am in love
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Say it loud, say it proud!
I AM A NOSE-PICKER!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think on that list pick, you pulled out your brain.
You have to be more careful or we get stuck reading this shitola.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can do better than this but maybe you don't care to.
I know you were trying to be funny here, but it's just not. It's worth a read though.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You can stop counting the syllables on your fingers now. "
I laughed, cause that's exactly what I was doing. And that picture is creepy...
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 09:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maxim magazine said that picture was a fake...while Bizarre Mag said it was real...
who knows, its cool as shit anyway!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-03 08:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I knew that if there was a picture at the end of this post, it HAD to be that one.