The WiFi Territorial Dispute 1 (1132 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.69 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by screamfeeder (View user info) at 2004-09-03 12:30:15 EDT
The town is a small one. I don't mean that in the population sense (around 70,000), I mean that in the, everyone knows everyone, way. Thus when people develop a reputation for doing whatever, it tends to stick pretty hard.
I had a reputation.
I was THE geek. The nerd. The dork. The glasses wearing, Magic playing (City Champ 1995-98), computer building, code-writing, badly dressed, booger picking (kidding.... kind of), girl lusting, lonely idiot.
Now, I was not despised or hated. My city was progressive like that. I used my knowledge to help others and thus was helped. It was a good arrangement.
I would also like to point out here that I was not the only one like me in town, just the one most people knew about.
The story in question begins around January 2002 or thereabouts. It was a time when a new technology was being spread around tech-savvy cities and college campuses across the country. It was a niche technology at the time, something new and innocent. It was also to be the sole cause of one of my shining moments in life.
Wireless Internet.
WiFi.
First place that actually installed and started using WiFi in my city was the 5 star hotel located downtown near all of the great historical, antediluvian landmarks that make this city the most visited in the world per-capita (suck on that you Parisian fucks).
I took it upon myself to embark upon a grand quest. Aided with my newest issue of 2600 and a couple of printouts from a few shady websites I was going to intercept and hijack this WiFi for my own nefarious use (porn surfing and playing MMORPG's). I had heard of small groups of people in The Big Apple having great success in their methods and sought to bite their tactics.
I purchased the requisite 802.11a card from the web. Installed a laptop rack in the passenger seat of my Japanese economy car, and embarked on my journey.
After waiting till the adjacent parking lot was emptied for the evening and the security personal had departed I moved in for the kill.
Parking the car within feet of the hotel's wall I booted up and waited. Sure enough the software recommended to me by the ever so helpful 2600 article found an open WiFi connection.
After about 30 seconds of writing down all of the information I rebooted and relocated to a closer spot. After driving about 15 feet forward I got an "Excellent Connection" and thus was born my newest addiction.
After this first time I was like a Fratboy in an all night tittie club with all the shitty beer I could force down my gaping maw.
Throughout the next year I spent my time cataloging all of the WiFi spots I could find. I charted business and residence alike. None were safe from my prying notebook. None could hide from my binary binoculars. I was a mother fucking Wireless Ninja!
Then, one day, I was in a bar with a couple of friends and my friend "Smarmy" comes in. She has just heard that there are naked pictures of her on a certain persons livejournal/myspace account and we need to go see if this is the case.
Being the chivalrous gentleman that I am, (and the fact that I would very much like to see pictures of this svelte, chest heavy goddess) I offer to take a spin over to the closest WiFi spot and have a look-see.
I take Jezebel (she is my laptop...WHAT?? I told you I was a dork already!) over to the café. As I am walking into the outdoor patio I hear the telltale sound of a motor running in the back lot. I sit at the nearest table thinking nothing of it. As Smarmy walks over with beads of sweat pouring down her ever-so lickable brow, I am already booting up. I open up my browser (GET FIREFOX NOW YOU UNWASHED SWINE!!) only to be greeted with the ever-omnipresent "DNS ERROR". A tad confused I check my WiFi card and everything is kosher. A tad more confused I open up my netmon I notice that the WiFi network not only shows up, but also shows that I am connected just fine. Getting a little perturbed at this point, I notice something strange.
SSID-********(blanked to protect the innocent)
WEP=no
USERSALL=4
USERSON=4
A simple /listusers shows me 4 computer names that are quite obviously not Jezebel.
So I am now outside on a patio, with a nubile young fleshling next to me whom is close to tears because she "NEEDS TO KNOW" and I get the big fat fucking queue shaft.
It is at this point my situation becomes all too clear.
The car in the back lot has left their lights on. The car is running. There is no one else back there. This Café has damn fast WiFi service.
WHO DARES!!!
I set Jezebel down and walk to the back. Sure enough there are not one but TWO cars running, both occupied by unknown persons with the shining beacon's of LCD glow bathed to reveal their slack jawed browsing. (As a side note, the EMO/punk/skater/trend whore seemed to be masturbating to something VERY engaging but that is immaterial)
I walk around the two cars careful to avoid the headlights and take stock of my situation.
As I am observing these invaders into my realm I notice that the one on the left (my left since I am now behind the cars, with the café patio In front and to the right on the parked intruders) has local plates. The masturbating emo trendwhore has plates from Portland or some other breeding ground for that particular kind of filth.
It is at this moment that the local guy notices a 6'3" Irishman creeping up on his cars ass with a VERY perturbed look on his face. So he does the only logical thing he can do.
He puts his white Toyota Tercel in reverse and proceeds to fly by me in reverse, give me this shit eating "Next Time Gadget" smile and drive away. Left in his wake, watching the taillights turn away I am left with the JerkOff the ForeArm Trainer with greasy hair to contend with.
As a side note, women, please enlighten me as to what you find attractive about a emaciated femboy with badly dyed black greasy hair and pants so tight you can see what he had for breakfast that morning (a single rice cake in this instance I think). I guess the whole "Emo-Glamrock-80's Are Back" look is lost on me.
I digress.
Making my way to Spanky the Virile's car I see that he has at this point noticed my little quest to rid him and his kind from the lot. The LCD glow has since faded and he is now casually lighting a smoke and preparing to embark on his own quest of getting the fuck away from here. Ten feet from his driver side door I stop and stare in what I hope is a good façade of a pissed off Café Owner Finding MTV trashing watching porn in his parking lot.
It must have been one hell of a good imitation because the second he saw my face he dropped it into R and pulled straight out into the street behind him, never taking his eyes away from mine, like it was some kind of primal showdown and the hyenas just showed up. In a way it was.
Now with two free spots in the network I was free to continue my humanitarian aid. "Smarmy" watched the entire thing progress and was now looking at me with either a, "My god your cock must be 20" long!" look, or a "My god you must be the strangest moron ever concocted!" look.
Either way she stuck out her chest with how she was sitting so the thought was a fleeting one.
After a quick reboot and a 10-minute wait I was very unhappy to find out that the naked pictures were not of "Smarmy" but instead of some Myspace Camwhore that happened to have a similar tattoo. My spirit somewhat crushed, I packed Jezebel away and was proceeding to head back to the bar when I noticed a familiar vehicle parked on the street. White Toyota Tercel. The internal light was on and I see the driver giving me the steely eye, while reaching for something on the passenger seat. Thinking to myself, 'Either it's rotten food or a paintball gun'. People in this town aren't exactly packing heat to the high heavens if you know what I mean. Had it been out of state plates or a plate from the larger southern city I might have been a bit more cautious.
But in this case, fuck em.
The situation stands as this. I am on the street playing chicken with an obvious challenger to my status as Alpha Nerd. Only problem is, I am made of flesh and bone, while my opponent is made of steel and glass (with some fancy schmancy Japanese plastics I am sure too). As I walk toward the front of his car, he shifts down.
Engine roars.
I pause.
He doesn't.
TO BE CONTINUED........
User Reviews
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude. my firewire is named jezebel. rock on!
Submitted by ilovepoopers (user info) at 2005-02-14 02:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-17 07:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go nerds!
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-01-17 07:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This WiFi story is better, but I am a bigger nerd than you. And Chronicles copied that insult off the Web.
Cheap bastard.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-22 18:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here ya go.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-22 18:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sick of seeing his name on my uber page..
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-12-20 15:42:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad,
a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth
into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and
then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid
you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus,
the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop
will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it
more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink
shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea
of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do
you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have
more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You
are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source
of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless
crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You
cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup
pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted
fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I
despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far
that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no
intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on
Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire
galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll.
Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some
primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure
essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond
the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is
an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant
questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of
the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have
learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take
for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we
sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these
things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I
would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck
in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.
P.S.:
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged,
imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,
conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic,
diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive,
dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HILARIOUS! 802.11a wireless = OLD! HAHAHA! You were cutting edge man. Now there are all kinds of programs that spot open connections. Also some programs to sniff packets and bypass security which I stay away from (no need for that shit).
Well written, I laughed numerous times since I knew of all the hot spots in my town as well. (Not so much for porn, but simply internet access when I didn't have it.... Fuck dialup. Also, I went across the USA and would need to hook up I'd usually just find an area with hotels around it and connect. Hampton Inns had free WiFi at many locations.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The three amigos in Part 3 I actually met at one of my first 2600 meetings years ago and Dave at least was a cool normal guy then.
he helped people out and asked alot of questions about stuff he didnt know, just like I did. It is the only way to actually learn stuff.
I go now and just see Goth/Emo/Punk/Hipsters trying to one up eachother so they can go home and brag about their E-Penis.
Or E-Vagina..either or
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for geekage!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, 2600 meetings are nothing but a bunch of Prima Donnas. it's terrible. what pisses me off even more is the nerds who bring their powerbooks so they can appear "1337" to all the other supernerds and then they are asking the other people there how to complete a simple task with it because their mom just bought it for them. then everyone talks about how awesome linux is and how anyone that uses windoze is a "lamer" and then they try to act like super hackers with their wardriving stories, because they found an access point that had SSID broadcast on, no encryption, and factory default settings with Netstumbler. OH MAN, WATCH OUT FOR THE S-S-S-S-S-SUPER H4X0RZ!!! the last time i went to one, i was drunk off my ass already and then i slammed about ten more beers i got from the food court, and when i'm drunk i tend to be obnoxious. i started making fun of everyone. the organizer guy introduced himself as "syntax" and i was just like "uh... i'm... andrew..." fucking dorks using their handles... i felt like it was a D&D meeting. i was just waiting for one of them to say they were Lord Manhammer. anyway, i had to tell those motherfuckers a thing or two about wireless. it's ok if you don't know something, but don't be a Prima Donna and PRETEND you do. just ask someone that does know. god, i hate those nerds at the 2600 meetings...
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-14 22:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
People talking shit about stuff they know nothing about is also why I stopped going to the meetings. Once again, I hate Prima Donnas.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YellowDragon- you go to the 2600 meetings in St. Louis at the Galleria? haha, i went to one once and it was just a bunch of supernerds with scanners. the meetings in San Antonio are worse, though. the guy who organizes the meetings actually had a sign, as if you wouldn't be able to figure out who was there for the 2600 meeting.... haha.
i had to stop going to the 2600 meetings because everyone was trying to talk like they knew shit about wireless, when in reality, they did not. and all the wireless articles published in 2600 have been really elementary. i need to get off my ass and write another article for 2600 so people can get some real information about wireless.
maybe i'll go to the next 2600 meeting in St. Louis for the hell of it. my buddy in the Army will be home for the next one, i'm sure he'll want to go for nostalgia purposes. he had an article in 2600 about phone hacking in the midwest. i remember doing the research for the article with him after i got expelled from school my senior year for hacking the school network. (there wasn't much else to do being expelled and all)
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-11-09 18:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what a great story
Submitted by MM_LP_Track3 (user info) at 2004-09-03 19:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post pictures of Sammy.
Or the myspace whore.
Or both.
So I can go to my local Cafe equipped with WiFI, park my import car in a discrete corner of the parking lot, and masturbate furiously.
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pin those ears back and charge, man! The alpha nerd must prevail! Say hi to Smarmy for me.
Oh yeah, 2600 meetings TONIGHT!!! WHOOOOOO!!! 2600St.Louis 0wnz
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-03 13:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-09-03 13:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
You are the Alpha Nerd. (that's a compliment)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-03 13:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. Do continue.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-03 12:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was excellent. Bravo!