How to Ruin Your Social Life (896 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.5 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Walrus (View user info) at 2004-09-03 14:06:17 EDT
Since I was eleven I had been begging my parents for a dog. Being the cruel, inhumane people they are, I didn't actually receive a dog for several years.
Then randomly one morning I woke up to my Dad's voice:
"Get up, we have to go pick up the dog."
My parents are good at doing things like that, like not telling me we're going to Colorado for a week until the night before. But that's another story. So any ways I hurriedly dressed and proceeded to the car, waiting for me in the driveway.
Apparently they had decided on buying a beagle, it sounded good to me, Beagles were awesome. They just like, sleep and eat and sniff stuff. A life we all would like to live. So we visited some Beagle breeder who lived a couple towns over, his ad in the paper said he had three young puppies. One of them would work for sure.
After about a 30 minute drive we pulled up alongside this guy's house. It was relatively small and bland, but hey, it's a house. I followed my parents up the steps to the front door. We rang the doorbell and immediately three adorable little pups ran up wagging their tails in excitement. Little did they know we were kidnapping their sister. Goes to show you can't trust anybody.
A man in his 30's or so answered the door, he was a nice guy, but apparently he lived by himself with his dogs. So you had to think he was kind of sketchy.
We set to determining which dog we should take home, the fat lazy one, the excitable energetic one, or the shy little one. Being the fools we were, we choose the excitable one. Boy was that a mistake.
So we drove home, a cute little puppy crying and pissing herself in my arms as we looked on lovingly. The first few weeks were like that, she was the best we could have asked for, she insisted on falling asleep only in our laps, loved attention, and was easily potty trained. If only it had stayed that way.
*Flash forward one year*
The now teenager dog we had named Zoe was out of control. She no longer gave a damn about her owner's, living only for food and space to run. She prowled endlessly through trash cans, spilling recyclables and old food waste all over the yard. We have a small pond in our backyard. Every time I looked out the window she was there, rolling in the mud beside it.
The only times she could be distracted from her eating or her never ending search to smell as bad as possible was when someone would walk down our street, in which she howled endlessly. It wasn't even a howling. More a screeching, screaming, nails on the chalkboard kind of sound. This could count for some amusement though, like when a young couple would decide to go on a moonlit walk around the quiet neighborhood. Sucks for them.
And so we lived, or attempted to, with our out of control dog.
*Flash forward....a little bit more*
Thanksgiving. Best time of the year on my calendar. A chance to get together with your cousins and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandmas and nieces and nephews and....yep. And then you all eat a lot of food. It doesn't get much better than that.
This year my parents had offered to host our families get together. Ya, you all see where this is going.
So 10 or so relatives showed up on our doorstep, greeted by our open arms. And the dog's dirty feet. So now that everyone's dresses and suits were marked with muddy paw prints and other assorted filth, we all filed into the living room to relax and eat h'or deuvres (spelling?).
The plate was put on a table, high enough that we thought Zoe would be unable to reach it. Little did we know ninja dog was on the prowl. She crept up on the couch, pretending to be friendly and cuddly to it's occupants. Then she leapt across onto the table, spilling the contents of the plate everywhere. Then she continued to eat them. I hope they were tasty.
So now in despair we kicked the dog out of the house (nearly literally) and tried to find some other way to occupy ourselves. A bunch of the younger boys decided to start a football game outside. Being an avid football fan I joined them, plus they were all younger than me and that always makes it more fun.
There were only four of us, so it was two on two. I was on a team with my little three year old cousin. Don't be fooled, he's the next Jerome Bettis. And so he was my running back and he usually managed to scratch out some good negative yardage. But finally on one play he runs right past my other cousins, towards the end zone. As he approaches the line he throws his arms over his head in celebration.
Then my spider senses alerted me to a shape running silently across the yard towards him.
BAM. He had been decked before getting the ball over the end zone. And now he laid in a heap crying as my rabid dog chewed hungrily on his hair. I yanked Zoe violently off of him, taking a few chunks of hair with us.
Zoe, the ever powerful samurai dog had won again.
The guests were all agitated and slowly trying to slip out of the house. But there was still dinner. So we all sat down around the table, heaping plates of delicious looking food placed before us. We passed the bowls and plates and trays around, generously scooping large piles of it onto our own plates. When we had all been served we started eating the delectable foods. Little did we know there was a presence in the shadows.
One of my cousins had been foolish enough to place his plate on his lap, just a couple feet off the ground. Zoe can jump really high.
BAM.
His turkey was gone and the rest of the plates contents were scattered across the ground. Zoe ran off with her prize, I could almost hear her laughing in a maniacal fashion.
The dinner was finished in silence, and everyone quickly left. Zoe was sentenced to her crate for a really long time and we all tried to forget about what had happened.
One good thing did come out of the day though, no one ever wants to come to our house anymore. We never have to host any parties, hold any gatherings, even invite an aunt or uncle over.
"Hey Aunt Laura how's it going?"
"Good thanks"
"Maybe you guys could come over sometime soon?"
*click*
So in some ways life is better these days.
But ninja dog is still on the prowl.
Ya, she looks cute, but don't be deceived! For it will be your downfall.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-19 22:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bart wants your doggystyle.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-19 21:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Eggman, I haven't forgotten about you.
Write me something! Don't give up on us!
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-09-03 22:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually we did train her, she knows sit, stay, down, come, paw, and fetch. But if there's food to be gotten she does't give a rat's ass what we say. Try training a beagle. It's not your average dog.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-03 19:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we go against each other at Ubermadness.
Are you ready for da Munkster???
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-03 16:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what kind of pansy are you? just beat the damn mongrel until it obeys
Submitted by grlpisces (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as funny gets...mostly because Zoe reminds me of my Lucy, she too is a terorizing shit!
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I blame you for not flogging the animal nightly.
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She could use a good kicking. Just like the dogs on that vet show my cousin likes to watch.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"My parents are good at doing things like that, like not telling me we're going to Colorado for a week until the night before."
Hey, at least they didn't wait till they got back to tell you where they had gone!
Zoe had better be glad she didn't grow up around my dad. He would have shot her in the head and served her for thanksgiving dinner...and he would've made me eat it too! :(
Submitted by ASSMAN (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 cuz She's a big sweetie
-2 for not training her when she was a pup
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She's a very pretty dog.
Mind you, it's your fault she's not properly trained.
+1 because she's cute, it would have been +2 if you put more work into the details...
Yes, a 30 year old guy living alone with dogs COULD be sketchy and/or interesting, describe more about him...
"A man answered the door, his greasy comb-over caught my eye first, but the pock-marks on his face held my attention. His skin was pale and moist, his clothes reeked of mildew and dog shit. His mannerisims were odd; it was as if he existed in a separate social strata than the rest of us."
(now that is just an example... show us how he is sketchy instead of telling us "he's sketchy")
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cute
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a cat like that. Goddamned thing is a master thief and she'll eat anything.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm more of a cat person
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-03 14:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-1 for naming her zoe.
-1 for not sliting her throat after she attacked your mildly retarded cousin.