Snot is my Kryptonite (843 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Disgusting
Rating: 2 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2004-09-03 15:08:53 EDT
The Snotwad
(WiLL ZoNE's latest post http://www.ubersite.com/m/43877 triggered this trip down memory lane.)
Summer.
Small town. Big woods.
Before the days of Walkmans, ATM's, a pc in every home.
Before the days when my family had cable, and TV consisted of Star Trek and Gilligan's Island reruns and late night sign-offs with the national anthem.
Options were limited. Entertainment took creativity.
In summer and winter we jumped off of roofs. In summer we built disintegration-prone tree forts way too high. We made midnight trash raids for cool stuff for our forts. We lived on our bikes, riding them everywhere and running them into ponds and bushes and each other. We rode sheet metal and plywood squares down a long and steep sandy hill, and the highway at the bottom was no deterrent. In winter were skated on ponds now frozen, again running into trees and wiping out on the uneven surface of the ice. We built double-decker snow-forts and never felt cold. We walked on a high, hard crust of snow on the edge of the woods after sundown, moonlight unimpeded by leafless trees making the snow glow like alabaster and lighting our way.
As my buddies and I were all military brats, we played war. We played a lot of war. Kraut Assault! (The woods were the Schwartzwald.) Jap Island! (The woods were a Pacific island.) Stranded in Time! (The woods were a prehistoric jungle.) We played war in the winter and war in the summer. We played war in the spring rain and in the steam heat of August. As far as I know, none of us followed our fathers into the service.
It was on a long-ago summer day in July that I had an encounter with mucous of mythic proportions that scarred me for life. There are times when I relive the sight of that snot wad beyond imagining, when my rational mind screams that what I saw was impossible, but the memory holds, and when in its grasp, I try not to vomit.
It was getting on noon. We had already been farting around in the woods since eight o'clock or so, and we were taking a Kool-Aid break. Eddy was there, and Dale, and Mark. Dale was okay. Quiet, bookish, like me. Eddy was no rocket scientist, and you had to stoke the fires for quite a while before you got anywhere with him, but he was a good guy. Mark was a psychopath.
Mark took some form of daily medication which he referred to as his 'pill.' I was a kid then, so God only knows what the pills were. Lithium? Placebos? Your guess is as good as mine. If Mark missed his pill, all bets were off. He would shift into a manic mode. He would do anything. I once saw him take a dare, attempting to jump his bike through the V of two tree trunks growing from the same root system. His bike had monkey handlebars. The handlebars stuck out too far. Mark learned that the hard way. He hit the trees about as fast as a kid can go on a bicycle, and broke both arms. Jesus. If challenged he would climb higher, run faster, jump further, fight harder and eat anything. It seems only fitting that he would give birth to The Snotwad.
We were standing on my front step, in the shade. I passed sweating glasses of grape Kool-Aid to everyone. We were sweaty and dirty. Our t-shirts were darkened by smears of dark forest soil. Our jeans were grass-stained. Our fingers were sticky with pine gum. We were bruised and breathing hard from running and jumping and wrestling each other to the ground. We were having a great time.
Until Mark sniffed.
He rubbed his nose. Made a snorkeling noise like he was trying to draw back a loogie. Shook his head.
Eddy was arguing with Dale. Eddie was wondering why the crew of the Enterprise didn't just eat the stupid tribbles, skin them and cook them up. Dale was saying that would be disgusting, like eating kittens. I was laughing and taking it all in.
Mark snarfed again, harder. Whatever was lodged in his sinuses wasn't going in any further, so he decided to move it the other way. He put one finger against his right nostril and blew out the left as hard as he could.
Nothing happened. Mark started to lean forward, straining, pushing, his face turning purple. Then the dam broke. There was a sound like a length of wet canvas being torn in half, and my life was changed forever.
A rope of bright green snot blew out of Mark's nose.
One end of this fluorescent ribbon stayed anchored to my friend. The other end descended rapidly, stretching, growing, as Mark continued to force it into the world. The dangling end touched the concrete step at Mark's feet, and stuck there.
I was frozen with horror. Eddy laughed. Dale frowned.
We were mesmerized by four feet of snot as thick as an earthworm.
I couldn't move. I broke out in a greasy, sickly sweat. There was so much snot in front of me I could actually smell it.
Mark smiled. He licked his fingers. Pulled at The Snotwad like a fledgling cellist.
he said, "Bwang-bwang, bwang-bwang!"
The Snotwad, stretched to the breaking point, snapped in the middle. The lower half curled upon itself like a tiny lime-green turd. The upper half, displaying the rubbery properties of phlegm, retracted upward and began to spin, wrapping itself around Mark's nose.
Eddy and Dale gaped in wonder. Mark laughed. I turned away and vomited grape Kool-Aid.
The rest of the day was a wash-out for me. I went inside, and watched TV, trying to clear my mind of that sticky, spinning green rope.
That afternoon was a long time ago. I'm a man now. I've traveled the world. Helped friends in a crisis. Battled personal demons. But I still cave and weaken and fight the urge to heave whenever I see snot. Snot is my kryptonite.
(Afterward - Not too long ago, many years after The Snotwad Incident, I was on a crowded bus, reading my book, minding my own business. As I turned the page I happened to look up, just in time to hear a sneeze behind me and see a snotball zip past my shoulder and stick to the back of some guy's neck. My stomach lurched, and when the guy reached back, probably wondering what the fuck just hit him, and started smearing that glistening green wad all over himself, I jumped off the bus. Didn't puke that time, but it was a damned close call.)
User Reviews
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-23 10:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that's nasty.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2008-05-23 09:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-21 04:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this post hasn't been rated more than this. I nearly died laughing.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage repair test...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 22:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ewwwwwww
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-04 09:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Euew! Nasty!
Jack, I've just seen your comments on this post and found them interesting, written a comment you might like to reply to.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-09-04 01:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why, but this reminds me of some show I watched, where this guy popped a blackhead and the tail on the thing was a good four inches long.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-04 01:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aren't you always on a trip down memory lane anyway?
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-09-03 21:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin bastard
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, that's nasty.
Submitted by Garet_Jax (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, and what should I find at the bottom of the page but:
Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing
out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button.
-- Homer Simpson
Cape Feare
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disgusting!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Absolutely disgusting post. Vivid and well written though, +2.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bravo!