Fear and Loathing at McDonald's (1206 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.67 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-03 15:26:38 EDT
I love Egg McMuffins. With their perfectly round eggs, their ooey-gooey cheese, their tasty slices of ham, it's like breakfast heaven on a toasty warm English muffin.
It just so happens that for some reason, this morning I woke up about half an hour earlier than usual. Now, normally this would piss me off to no end, but not today. I had been craving some eggy goodness, and the early start to the day would afford me the necessary time to indulge my hankering for just such a treat.
We hop in the car, and head to the Mickey D's drive-thru. My husband slowly pulls the car up to the speaker, contemplating his order.
"You want the usual?" he asks me. I nod. I love the fact that he knows me so well.
"Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?" a voice far too chipper for 6:30 a.m. comes through the loudspeaker.
"Yeah, I'll have an Egg McMuffin combo, extra hash brown, chocolate milk to drink," he pauses, still thinking about his own order, "and a breakfast burrito combo, extra hash brown with a coffee, double-double."
(Sidenote: I can't understand for the life of me why anyone, when faced with the choice of McMuffin versus breakfast burrito would choose the latter. If the two were to meet in a grudge match battle to the death, clearly the McMuffin would beat the burrito into a scrambled pulp. The burrito is small and flimsy. It can barely hold it's own eggs in, let alone kick the yolk out of another breakfast sammich. The McMuffin, on the other hand, is strong like bull, solid through and through. AND it has cheese. No contest.)
The McCashier instructs us to pull forward to the first McWindow. We pay for our order and pull through, as thoughts of breakfast deliciousness cause me to salivate ever so slightly. As we pull up to the second window, I tilt my head forward to see inside the restaurant, expecting to see a cheerful McEmployee, complete with a free smile, ready to hand over our food.
This is where things went horribly wrong.
There she stood, as expected, bag in hand, and grinning like the devil. I was so excited about finally getting my breakfast that it took me a second to notice that the woman standing there (who looked as though she might have a mild case of down syndrome) had absolutely no teeth, except for one solitary incisor dangling from her upper gums.
Now, I've seen people missing a few teeth, and I've seen people missing all their teeth. But this was the first time that I had ever seen someone missing all their teeth but one. The sight of it was startling, and might I say, even a tad bit terrifying. The woman looked like some evil genetic cloning project gone horribly wrong. The look of her was so disturbing it caused me to gasp and jolt backwards against the passenger side door.
Fortunately she didn't notice that I had pinned myself against the door in an attempt to get as far away from her as possible in the confined space of my car (I would have opened the door and ran, but I froze from the terror, and was unable to locate the door handle). That, or people react to her like this on a regular basis. Either way, there she stood, unfazed by my reaction, drooling all over my Egg McMuffin.
"Would you like salt or ketchup for your hash browns?" A big gob of slobber clung from the end of her tooth, then dripped down onto her shirt.
I cringed.
"Uh, no thanks," my husband replied, extending his hand to receive the food, trembling for fear of coming into direct contact with this diseased, one-toothed hell-beast. He snatched the bag from her grip, rammed the gear shift into drive, and sped out of there as fast as possible.
Only slightly traumatized by the ordeal, I open the bag to retrieve my sammich. But all I can think of is One-Tooth, and her slobber-soaked shirt. The thought of her sends shivers down my spine. I start to wonder how much she drooled on my McMuffin BEFORE it made it into the bag. Then I wonder how she ended up the way she is. What if she has some horrible disease? What if a mutant virus has taken over her body, causing her to lose her teeth and drool on customers? Or worse, what if it's contagious?
I tossed my breakfast out the window. I somehow doubt I'll ever be able to enjoy an Egg McMuffin again.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-27 10:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess being the young fortunate rich girl you are, you never had to work at McDonald's.
I, however, have to WORK in my lifetime.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-04-27 10:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
McDonalds targets retarded people and old folks for employment.
You're an idiot.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-09-04 01:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Egg McMuffins?
Croissan'wiches all the way!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-04 01:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Egg McMuffins do weird things to my stomach. I can see getting the burrito.
Submitted by Stellasupernova (user info) at 2004-09-03 20:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quick like a bunny... hop.
That's disturbing, I don't know if i'll be able to eat another McMuffin either...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-03 20:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something similar happened to me at a Chinese restaurant.
The waiter came over to our table, and when I looked up, I noticed a mutantly gigantic booger hanging out of his nose. He took our glasses, refilled them, and brought them back to the table. But one thing was missing.
The booger.
I suddenly wasn't thirsty anymore.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-03 20:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
McLoL
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-03 19:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA THE FUNNY MAKES ME SMILE
just kidding, i thought this was a disgrace - but +2 anyway friend girl friend
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-09-03 18:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was going involve McWindowpane or something.
Regardless, excellent story.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-03 18:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cutiepie (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ouch! I hate when stuff like that happen.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-03 17:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the title
+1 for the post
On a separate note, while the McMuffin may kick the Breakfast Burrito's ass, how could you possibly choose it over a biscuit? Mmmmmm biscuit. Croissants kick ass too. Mickey D's needs to get on point.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see Koolmang didn't take his pills this morning.
Submitted by Garet_Jax (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Only a +1 because you bashed my favorite McFood, the Breakfast Burrito! How could you!!
Still damn funny though.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strong like Mcbull!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only eat their burritos... something about low carbs and less fat..I dunno.. they
just taste good.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Godammit facts state some fuckin facts you fuckin kaffir faggot i hate you so bad omg lol i like to jerk my meat 5 times a day it's the best thing since sex which i havent had yet omg i hate you vodjaks etjoiws gtTGAWAWOINHGOIESPJ MWFJMTHSRJTMIBSP booobo ooboboboobobobobo har har har peener HAR HAR HAR BAJINER i eat chapstick because it looks like av agina and i wanna lick a girl subm SOOOo bad lol i hated this post i hated it so much i would rather be in liverpool i love sushi it tastes so damn good is this the worst sentence ever or is the worst sentence ever LIFE IN PRISON omg poor girls getting pap smears all the time unless theyre a bitch li ke you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH im getting all my frustrations out in this paragraph you know i like money but id rather kill my sel f because i cant make any omg i love the internet and I LOVE LIVERPOOL!
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had this happen to me, instead of a slobbering fat chick it was a slobbering retard.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like it's time to move on to the McGriddle, GreyGoose on the rocks...
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-09-03 16:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hah From the title I was expecting a tale of a drug binge somehow involving McDonalds. That would have kicked ass. But this was good too.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, funny stuff!
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your name has to be Nathan Koller. If this is true, blink twice. That is the EXACT breakfast my friend orders, except he usually gets orange juice because he's lactose intolerant and he only gets milk if he wants to fart and piss his friends off, as he might because he's back at school and although I don't know Julian that well the breakfast burrito might be what he'd order. He's very smart.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sammich!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The McCashier instructs us to pull forward to the first McWindow."
This was McFunny as shit.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sausage biscuit w/Egg is da bestest thing from Mickey D's
and maybe Chicken Nuggets w/Honey
the rest is poop
Submitted by charger (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great laugh on a Friday afternoon.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The McCashier instructs us to pull forward to the first McWindow"
I've still got a smile on my face from that.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Bored at Work material here.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
while walking by a Mcdonalds today I saw a one-legged bicyclist get hit my a huge yellow hummer. (note: this might be a post of mine next week)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once saw a girl walking down the street carrying a McD's bag. Her mother had obviously taken thalidomide, as this girl had tiny hands and arms that were about five inches long. All I could think was, "I wonder if she has ever gone for her Big Mac and accidentally bitten herself on the shoulder?"
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-03 15:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for use of the word "hankering", no questions asked!
Submitted by Jadey at 2004-09-03 15:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO!! ohhhh ha ha ha.... funny very funny! ha ha ha
ha ha
hahaha
ooohhhh....
~getting back up on my chair now~
ha ha hmmmm....
~regaining composure~
thanks.