misanthropic people person (or how many jews can you fit in a 1967 VW Beetle?) (685 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.25 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <oliver.at.vt.edu> (View user info) at 2004-09-05 01:22:40 EDT
Christ I haven't felt this awful in a very long time.
It's just been hitting me tonight. I thought I was past all this but it appears that I was wrong again. A college town is a terrible place to be alone on a Saturday night. The drunks and frankly everyone but me are wandering round being loud, making out in random places.
I ask myself for the millionth time, what is wrong with me? For some background, I don't drink, smoke, deal well with others, believe in God, or like myself very much.
Is this what everyone feels? does everyone feel this empty? this nothingness, am I the k only one who feels it? I highly doubt it. I think wevery person feels the utter meaningless of life, its all just a matter of how well we hide it. I watched my father fill the void with alcohol. I watch all of my "friends" do the same. I watch my mother fill her life with work and psyche-altering drugs. I watch my best friend Tyler and her meaningless casual sex. All the while sporting my false sense of superiority. "I'm better than these clowns because I can face my pain without using my addiction as a crutch" Because, lets face it, thats all most things are, crutches. God, alcohol, marijuana, sex, movies, sports, they're all just weapons with which we fence off the emptiness that encroaches upon our lives and threatens to envelop us.
But it's nights like these that I ask myself if my smug sense of self-superiority is justified at all. By sitting here alone, when all i want so desperately is to love and be loved by someone, am I not just doing the same thing the rest of these college schmucks do when they go out drinking? Is not my self-denial an addiction as well? I don't understand, and I probably never will. I am a misanthropic people person. I hate nearly everyone, yet I want so desperately to be accepted. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of being a loving caring individual. It's just I can never make the first move. People are always amazed that I've only ever been in a single relationship in my life. That's right, just the one. I have only ever kissed one person. only had sex with one person. Only had the courage to hold hands with one person. We dated for two years. after a year of being friends, she finally has left me alone. I didnt have the balls to tell her how much I really didnt want to be her friend. It took her discovering one of my friends chat logs in which i called her "fat slut" and commented on how "I wished she would get AIDs" to get her to finally leave me alone. Incidentally, I hate mormons.
So what does it all mean? I want to create something beautiful, but I can't. I can't paint, i play the violin , albeit mediocre at best, I can't write, as I'm sure any of you that have read this far have gathered from this Stream of Consciousness bullshit that I'm spewing. I can critique the work of others, but I cannot create anything. What is the point of me living anyway?
Well, whatever. This crap paints a picture of me as a whiny, neurotic, loser with no life. Which is at least 4/5s true. but I am at my worst tonight. A low which i havent seen in months. and this is somewhat therapeutic. Bitch about me using ubersite as a blog all you like, I really don't give a sloppy wet donkey cunt.
(As a sidenote, I watched Trainspotting for the third or fourth time tonight, and frankly its an awesome movie. Go watch it.)
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2004-09-05 07:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah drinking will make it better
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-05 07:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-05 03:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
in one word-
angst
***
or, another word-
depression
***
Another word-
or two words-
The Human Condition
(that was three words)
***
Anyway- yes of course, you're right- everyone feels this way. Yes of course you're right- most people hide it.
They hide it because it's too painfull to deal with.
-but hey.... start drinking, you'll feel better.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2004-09-05 01:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
pure shit