I live with drag queens and it's costing me a fortune in shoes. (1158 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stephanie Gatas <mourninglory.at.lycos.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-06 03:18:54 EDT
My house is always clean and always looks fabulous, and it has nothing to do with me. Let's face it, I am a HORRIBLE housekeeper. I would rather let dishes pile up (or even worse, use paper plates) while I wait for maintenance to come and fix my dishwasher than actually WASH dishes. I know we have an awesome vacuum cleaner, but not because I have ever used it, j. just tells me what it's picked up off the floor. Sometimes, when he gets uber-excited, he shows me. If it were up to me, we would have dollar store art on the walls and the garbage would prolly be thrown out the windows, or hidden in the storage areas. But with Shawn and j., the house is always fabulous by the time I get home from work. And thank God they have taste, because we actually have pretty cool artwork on the walls.
Yesterday I was at work, and Shawn called me in a panic. It's so funny, because when he gets really frustrated his voice gets really high and squeaky, and cracks twice as much as usual. I really do think he is going through reverse puberty, except his balls aren't getting any smaller. Don't ask me how I know this. So anyway, my phone rings, and it's Shawn. "Sthtephie, Sthtephie, we have a problem. It'sth big, Sthtephie." and I'm thinking he broke the aquarium or crashed j.'s car or his dick fell off or something. "What, Shawn?" I reply, slightly exasperated at the money I am about to spend. "J. took my left breastht!! He took my left breastht!! I need you to go pick up a cup of birdstheed. And sthome duct tape, while you're at the sthtore."
I reflect on this for a moment and tell him my building is on fire, my boss died, and there's a rabid monkey in my cube. To me, this is nothing. A couple days ago, while I was getting ready for work, he walked in on me in the bathroom and blatantly said, "Sthtephie, I would prefer if you didn't go potty in the housthe." His reason, er, reasthon? "I don't like to know that girlsth do that. Sthee, penisth, pussthy, I don't like to know you have one of thosthe. Nasthty."
So yesterday I threw a lobster eye at him at dinner. He's still having issues talking to me. He thinks it was a personal attack towards him.
I think I am paying them back with my shoes, because every time I buy a new pair, they're on someone else's feet but mine. J. wore my blue platforms to school once. He steals my makeup constantly. This apartment is costing me a fortune in footwear and mascara. Good thing I'm fat, because I would never get to wear my pants. And I swear, if they use my cucumber body wash one more time...
If only I could get them to clean my car. I'll buy a pair of chunky-heeled shoes for that...
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-13 11:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-06 08:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for throwing a lobster eye at someone.
Great first post.
Submitted by foodman (user info) at 2005-01-02 04:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"+2 for life. You know why."
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Free backalley rimjobs??
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-02 04:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for life. You know why.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2005-01-02 04:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. someone should make a sitcom out of this.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 19:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No wonder you question your sexuality...you're drawing all your experience from gay men who are much more high maintenance.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-07 17:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two things:
1. Good post.
2. Shit Username.
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44018
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the comments. I am not British. I live in NY. I'm just a desensitized faghag.
I love living with these guys. I mean, I would love it if they wouldn't go through my porn collection on a daily basis, I would love it if I didn't walk in on them going at it on the couch, and I would love it if we didn't have to save every empty shampoo bottle so j. could test it's potential as a douche bottle, but yeah, it's quite wonderful to live here. The energy is strong, bountiful in the house. We don't need children or puppies or hyperactive midgets.
And for the record, I just cleaned out the linen closet and upstairs bathroom, so maybe I'm a better housewife than I thought. Joy.
Victoria's Secret made this scent, I think it was called Endless Love or something. Shit blew my mind it smelled so good. But I'm not girly enough to wear shit like that. I'm happy my deodorant is scented.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-06 12:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-06 06:35:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cucumber body wash? Green apple is the way to go.
***
Both of those scents make me want to retch.
Vanilla is the best. or, victorias secret makes a wonderful scent- "Halo". I love that.
Carry on.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-09-06 10:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44150
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-09-06 10:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-06 08:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for throwing a lobster eye at someone.
Great first post.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-06 06:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cucumber body wash? Green apple is the way to go.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-06 06:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fabulous!
Submitted by DolceCantabile18 (user info) at 2004-09-06 04:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We are truly grammatical kindred spirits...my pet peeves include misuse of your and their. +3 for spelling out the lisping.
Gay men can be a mixed blessing. None of my friends have turned out to be flaming queens, so I assume the experiences are rather different...
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-09-06 03:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2004-09-06 03:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have gay freinds, too. We're in the same boat.
I love you, Nissa
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-09-06 03:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the British chicks on this site. Y'all are some funny womenz.