Heil Penis – Colligate Bright Ideas (4) (2887 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2004-09-06 15:29:32 EDT
A Labor Day present too you all:
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'Mike!' A stammering student placed his hands on his knees gasping for breath. 'Dude, you have to help me.'
I leaned back on my chair and sighed. I'm getting off in twenty minutes, then meeting up with my friends at a bar... maybe I can stall. 'So, how you been Matt? Just declared Communications right?'
He stared at me like my forehead had just sprouted a gaping vagina, 'Dude, more important things... my roommate...' he trailed off.
My eyes rolled back... I was stuck, 'Yeah?'
His eyes shifted to the right, 'Yeah... umm... he's, uh... whacking it.'
I coughed, laughing. 'Dude, you are nineteen? It happens...'
'Not in the living room...'
My chair snapped forward, sweaty palms resting on the wooden table... 'Please no... don't make me stop him.'
'I need to do homework man.'
'I'll give you ten bucks, go see a movie.'
'Hah, not at all... go make him stop.'
'I hate you, you know this.'
'Hahahaha.'
Then he told me the other part of the story. Like Maverick he tossed the Ace onto the table... and should I have had that vagina on my forehead, he would have slammed his dick in and stirred my brain.
I hate my life.
I stared at him, jaw dangling, 'I hate my life.'
He nodded, 'I can guess... I'll wait here.'
I trudged to the elevator shoulders slumped, pressed the button and lurched towards the fifteenth floor. I won't lie; every curse I knew was stringing itself to a neighbor. The doors slid open, and I turned, pausing before the ominous maroon door. Metal, two inches thick and built to fireproof the apartments... it normally worked as a pretty astute sound barrier, allowing kids to party in some semblance of privacy.
Unfortunately, the television in the room was cranked and sounds were spilling into the hallway. Not happy sounds. I sighed. Heavily. With trepidation I raised my hand and knocked lightly on the door, hoping that he was done... or he wouldn't hear me.
'It's open.'
'It's the RA.'
'It's still open.'
'That's still illegal.'
'Fuck it.'
Please God. Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath.
The doorknob turns, the door opens and I'm hit with a tidal wave of sound. To my right is the guy, penis in hand, eyes fixated on the television. Ignoring me... but that's probably easy when Hitler is being saluted by hundreds of shock troops that march by in black and white.
Patriotic Fatherland music is echoing off the white walls of the apartment, as a mantra of 'Heil Fuhrer' rocks my body. As troops goosestep across the screen, their arms working as a bizarre parallel to the kid on the couch whom I notice is still jerking away.
'Dude!' I turn away, checking hopelessly for a remote as I work my way to the TV to turn it down.
'What the FUCK man, I'm listening as well as watching.'
'Tell, you what... get your hand off your dick and I'll turn it back up.'
'Fine.'
I turn around, and his dick is still popping out of his pants. 'Ummm, put it away? Are you high or something?'
He shook his head and shoved his penis back in his pants. Staring at me as if I was intruding in his life. Quite sorry.
'Sooo,' I shoved my hands into my back pockets, 'Your roommate was wondering if you could cut it out? It's his apartment too... ya know?'
'He coulda come in.'
I stared at him. 'You were masturbating in the living room.' Damn, I'm professional.
'Yeah.'
'Tooo, Nazi Propaganda.'
He shrugs. 'So?'
'You think that's normal?' So much for professionalism.
'He should just deal.'
'You think your roommate should... just deal, when he walks into the apartment and finds you sitting on the couch jerking off to a bunch of nazi's?'
'Pretty much.'
I blinked. 'You realize your roommate is Jewish right?'
He stared at me.
I stared at him.
He smiled. 'That kinda makes it hotter.'
...
I hate people. And the volume went back up as the door closed behind me.
User Reviews
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2006-02-18 11:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy mother of god.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A JEW AT A JESUIT UNIVERSITY???
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh...
My...
God...
Submitted by juggychick (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahahahaha!!!!
Submitted by refug68 <wo2_medina.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-11-02 13:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome story, written well, FUNNY AS FUCK!!!! I guess the kid had a thing for guys goosestepping eh???
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-10-28 05:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked
Again
Again
Not quite as much as the last 2
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-16 09:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-16 07:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heil.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-16 06:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this again. Still funny.
Maybe I'd get more play if I had a pair of SS uniforms?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-15 21:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tomb's one of those fucking faggots who -2s the top of the Best Ever list. Get a fucking life, Tomb.
Submitted by tomb (user info) at 2004-09-15 21:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thats just sick
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-12 20:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing Indeed.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-09-09 17:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love these
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-07 20:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, although it cannot beat the watermelon episode... oh that one still makes me cry tears of joy.
Love the response by Avals, by the way.
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-09-07 18:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this series just keeps getting better and better!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-07 18:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-07 10:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Belrafon (user info) at 2004-09-07 06:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awsome
Naziphiles are funny
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-07 03:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-09-07 03:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First time I have read your stuff....I think. Man your job must be an absolute gold mine of stories!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-07 03:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was more disturbing than anything, but still funny in a very sick, twisted way.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-07 00:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bennywild (user info) at 2004-09-06 21:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored at work fodder if I ever saw it.
Jesus this is wonderful.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-06 21:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-06 21:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear sweet Jesus.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know for sure what made me laugh the hardest, the post or this response.
"Oh Ja Mein Fuhrer! Ja! Ja! Harder! Kill zi dirty Juden! Fuck me for the fatherland!"
Either way, happy Labor Day to meeeeee!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lord...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-06 17:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by gravernmisery (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had originally thought that there was some hope, somewhere for humanity. I think this story just completely destroyed that thought... man, people are sick...
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-06 16:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the funniest and most bizzare things Ive ever heard
Submitted by ferrisbeuller (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time take his penis in your hand and yank it.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-06 15:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Is that some kind of new fetish? Should we make a new "Nazi porn" genre?
"Oh Ja Mein Fuhrer! Ja! Ja! Harder! Kill zi dirty Juden! Fuck me for the fatherland!"
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-06 15:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These stories are making me lose faith in humanity.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-06 15:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wherever something goes wrong involving penis, smurfs will be there
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-06 15:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hope you made this up.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2004-09-06 15:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
But very sick.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-06 15:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'You realize your roommate is Jewish right?'
He stared at me.
I stared at him.
He smiled. 'That kinda makes it hotter.'
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awesome ending!
Please tell me that this is shenanigans! are people that stupid?