the world against me (980 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: goodfiction
Rating: 1.87 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2004-09-06 15:52:15 EDT
Someone keeps taking my eggs. I just bought eggs yesterday, and already, two are gone. The problem last week was with the grapes- whoever's eating my food underestimates me. They think I won't notice a few grapes gone, a few eggs missing, some milk drank.
Oh, I notice. I'm sure they're doing it at night, while I'm sleeping.
I've been awake for three days now. Three days.
I'm missing two grapes, one egg, and a teaspoon of butter.
Here's a chart I made- detailing the suspects. At the top is my brother. My brother, who always acts nice to my face, yet plots with my mother when they think I'm not listening.
Below him are my sister and my mother (the star next to my mothers name denotes the fact that she's moving up quickly).
In bold, below them-
FBI and the DEA.
The FBI because I know they've run checks on me before. These checks they've run have made it hard for me to get a job. Employers know when the goverment is watching you, and since most corporations are inhearently bad and corrupt, they do not want ME drawing anymore attention towards them. This is understandable.
The DEA because of the problem I had back in '82 with the cocaine.
Why would they be taking my food? It's a known fact that they have the means by which to analyze dna. They are getting my dna from the food.
It's also possible they are taking it, and planting it in other places. Trying to frame me.
I pay the neighbor kid 5 dollars to get me a padlock. I can't stay awake forever. I've tried. Even with the fake-speed pills from GNC- I still need sleep. I'm only human.
The padlock he brings has a combination lock. I send him back to the store. I can't risk someone gussing my code. He comes back with the correct type of lock. I have him throw it in the window (it's too risky to open the door. I live in an apartment complex with a shared hallway. Anyone has access to this hallway. I'm not stupid).
I lock the fridge. It took quite some time to figure a way to lock the fridge- I hadn't thought far enough ahead, initally. I nailed a latch to the wall, next to the fridge. Then I wrapped an old chain around the handle, then around this latch, and locked it up.
The problem was that the door would still open if you turned the fridge a bit. I yelled for the neighbor to come back. I yelled and yelled. I sent him off to purchase bolts.
I bolted the fridge to the wall. I won't bore you with the details.
A week goes by- no food is missing.
None.
The neighbor delivers my meals to me. I have given him 20 dollars to ensure I have taco bell every day at 7pm.
But yesterday, I found something odd in my sour cream.
I rush to the closet and pull my chart back out. I write his name on top, right above my brothers.
I can't believe I had overlooked him for so long. Of course it was him. I had let the fact that he is 12 deter me from the truth.
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-16 10:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-16 09:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know! Nothing makes me happier than when someone digs up one of my old posts.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 16:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, from the archives...
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-15 15:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-15 14:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No I've never read Chuck Palahniuk, HellRazr. I think I write a lot like James Thurber, myself.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-09 16:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Corn, do you ever read Chuck Palahniuk? Your style reminds me of his writing.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-09 16:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing is, I envision ETS living like this.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-09 15:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-06-12 17:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn good. very very damn good
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-08 09:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-07 11:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-07 00:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-07 00:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ad-aware 6.0. Get it, use it.
Also, I read the post, and I thought it was good. Sort of along the lines of Bigmike's DoaM.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-06 23:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-06 23:44:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
***
Aj, I get the feeling you're +2ing ME and not my post.
Oh, the most annoying thing. Today I was online and all of a sudden something started to install itself. I pushed a lot of buttons to no avail, and a shitton of programs installed on my computer. Now I have a PLETHORA of adds and popups and all this bullshit!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-06 23:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some odd reason, this reminded me of the time when my college roomate was tripping his face off. I told him that a police car drove past the house, and he hid in his bedroom closet for an hour.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Giggling out loud, shandy? I want to do that. As of late, reading seems to be more of a chore. I'm STILL reading Henderson.
I only read it whilist I'm in the bath or on the toilet (ah yes, girls do poo!). So it's always in the bathroom. Sometimes it makes its way to the bedroom (I have good intentions on reading it, but I do prefer to muse before sleeping, rather than read).
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not a bad experiment, some good bits.
i've been trying to find an online text version of Diary of a Madman by Nikolai Gogol, but failed.
i remember it made me giggle out loud on a bus.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, and if this particular post strikes your fancy- you may enjoy my first post along these lines:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42910
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for what? You're sorry I'm missing some grapes...?
As you should be!! Grapes are the fruit of the earth!
Or fruit of the vine.
ahh wine...
sounds good.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's worth a read.
Sorry, Corinne.
Submitted by UncleTeddy (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It plays with the psychopathic urges deep within us all. That's why we like it. It is brilliant.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-06 18:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-06 17:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40455 - Lindsay Lohan completely fucking naked!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-06 17:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really shouldn't have been that good.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What are you talking about? I only took one grape.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange, quirky and mildly disturbing.
Just the way I like 'em.
Submitted by ferrisbeuller (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was me.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-09-06 16:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh god this is classic.
Why the hell is this so amusing?