Case for Forced Sterilization. (1270 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.34 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malificent (View user info) at 2004-09-07 06:19:22 EDT
I literally work with the stupidest people on the planet.
No word of a lie, in all the jobs I've had I have never met people so stupid as the people I work with at the moment. For a little background history on me -- I'm a 22-year-old Database Administrator for a British company that repairs and services photo-processing, dry-cleaning and X-Ray machines. Now, I know I got this job completely by fluke and that for the most part, I am winging it until something better (read: something I am actually qualified for/want to do) comes along. By no means do I think I am some kind of genius. Anyone who has worked in an office -- or has even seen Office Space -- will know how I feel when I say that I would rather rip out my own eyeballs and shove them up my arse than continue to work here. The only reason I do it is because...well, I'm weak and pathetic and I need the money. Hooray for Corporate England.
This bitter and jaded attitude probably sounds pretty familiar to a lot of you. Let me explain why I hate my co-workers so much -- why I am continuously surprised that none of them have just, you know, walked into a pole and killed themselves or something.
This multi-million-pound company, for some reason, does not actually have a designated IT department. They sub-contract one guy to manage the network but that's about it. As a result, my co-worker and I generally get lumbered with all the IT-related problems if Clive is unavailable at the time. Now, I don't profess to know a huge amount about IT, but I was under the impression that in this day and age people knew how to basically operate a computer. Oh...how painfully wrong I was.
1) "Hey Jess, can you help me, the system is all over the place."
What the fuck? The system? What system? Your computer system? The database system? The network system? Your digestive system? Fuck off and stop wasting my time. I should just get "REBOOT YOUR PC" painted in bright yellow letters on my office door.
2) "Jess, I got this email and when I went to look at it, it said it was a virus. I don't really know what to do with it now."
Oh please, run it and see what happens, just for a laugh! Maybe it will make pretty colours, smiley faces and flowers and that's it.
3) "Jess, I got this error message--"
Reboot.
4) "Jess, everything's running kind of slow--"
Reboot.
5) "Jess, can you just--"
No.
I wish I could say that these queries are the worst of my problems. I share an office with possibly the worst-suited co-worker imaginable for me. I am a female 22-year-old working in database programming -- while I get that that might be a rare event or something, to pair me off with a sixty-year-old fat man named Ian who can't control his flatulence is possibly one of the less savvy moves the management have made. The man just farts, all the time. I mean, there's other stuff about him that bugs me, like how he says "Make it black" when he means "highlight/select it", or "make it big, I like things bigger" (*gross gross gross*) when he means "maximise" -- but the farting is the part I can't get past. He steals my pens and comments on my eating habits and none of it even scratches the surface of how pissed I get when he farts. I actually have to leave the room it's so bad. I don't even want to CONTEMPLATE what the fuck that man has been ingesting.
Of course I could go on for a week about all this stupid shit, but the incident that absolutely takes the biscuit came about a year or so ago. Before I took the position I'm in now, I used to work in Engineer Allocations, where they dispatch the engineers out to sites which need their photo machines repaired. This is the department which is notorious for the sheer volume of airheads and wankers that work there. The one woman I sat opposite was probably the most shockingly stupid of all of them. Aside from feeling the need to argue that "agnostic" means "devil worshipper", I absolutely shit you not, these exact words came out of her mouth:
"You should still use a condom when you have anal sex, you know, because you can still get pregnant from it."
...allow me to elaborate!
"There's no barrier there!"
She started to explain how her "friend who is a nurse" told her that this was the case, but I was distracted because I was searching for a pen to plunge into my ear canal. This thirty-one year old woman genuinely believed that the arsehole and fanny hole are somehow connected. Just to make absolutely sure that it wasn't my own fault for misunderstanding her, I asked if she meant that you can get pregnant if there is spillage upon withdrawal, but no no, she really meant it how it sounded. I resisted the urge to ask her what she did when she was shitting out of her cunt and menstruating out of her arsehole. I hate my life.
And would you believe they're bringing His Royal Highness, Prince Andrew the Duke of York, INTO this building tomorrow?!
So to finish things off, here's a completely unrelated and unnecessary camwhore.
User Reviews
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-19 07:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, not a bad post, but you had to follow Wazza.
No, seriously, this is the post directly after "re 16 y/olds" and he makes you look bad.
Submitted by Charred (user info) at 2005-03-31 17:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo.
I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish would suck the piss out of you.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-13 21:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya' done good Mal - you had me hella scared since the first hour our competition started.
It was anyone's contest. Keep writing, you're very creative.
Best, Loren
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-25 06:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you coming to Ubercon Brum my dear? I feel we need more women to make up numbers, just for the look of it!!
http://groups.msn.com/UberconUK2004
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-25 06:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you coming to Ubercon Brum my dear? I feel we need more women to make up numbers, just for the look of it!!
http://groups.msn.com/UberconUK2004
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-25 06:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#7 http://www.ubersite.com/m/45940
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-09-23 19:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
did you go to WPI?
i did
Submitted by Aphrodite (user info) at 2004-09-16 12:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mali: Dammit my scanner isn't working. Unfortunately, I need to reinstall my digital camera software but have been putting it off. I guess I should get it over with, especially since I have about 5705666 pictures of Dro on my camera that I need to get onto my computer.
I haven't camwhored in ages.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-11 18:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-11 18:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aph -- I don't even think I ever saw your pic in the first place. Camwhore just for me. ;-)
Submitted by Aphrodite (user info) at 2004-09-09 22:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Such vulgar language!
You hussy. Now you made me want to camwhore as well.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-09 07:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Charred -- you wouldn't be far wrong for all the charisma he displayed.
Submitted by Charred (user info) at 2004-09-09 07:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear Prince Andrew is really a robot piloted by a pigeon.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-08 09:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh, what a fucking awful photo. What was I thinking?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-07 16:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for camwhoring!!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-07 10:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh I so feel your pain...
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-09-07 10:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very safe to say, my standards are ridiculously high.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Noah -- in Britain your fanny is your "front bottom".
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In british isnt arse and fanny the same thing?
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bling -- I take it you never explored your British-woman curiosity with her then?
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I would. On a different note, I actually work for a London based Bank. I used to work right next to this gigantic woman who just had an absolute strangle hold on the system. She had somehow gotten herself a handicapped parking spot, and was allowed to miss two days per week for medical leave. She also occasionally took naps at work, and ate like it was her career. It pissed me off how much she got away with and actually made more than me. When she was shipped out it was the best day of my life.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh I get it Schlongy -- you're one of those. No worries.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What's your point, Poindexter?
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stin -- I shit you not, the room I'm currently occupying at work used to be a cupboard. It's marginally big enough for two people to work in, but they used to keep all the machine manuals in here so yeah, it's actually a cupboard.
blingshizzle -- wouldn't you just love to know?
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can you answer my question, do english people have no interest in sex?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Small corporate England ain't any better hon, it just means that you have to share the same office with two people you loath and despise EVERY DAY and there's no friendly sales guy who will let you hide out in his broom cupboard till the smell abates.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:27:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
Invest in Windex.
_________
Are you even aware you already rated this post?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Invest in Windex.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for you, being in corporate.
Prince Andrew once visited Boston University's Photonics lab while I was a student there, and we actually crossed paths. I thought it was neat that he would take the time to visit BU's laboratories.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:13:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to start farting back.
_________
Sure, then the rest of the people in the building could run a little pool; "Guess the Gas."
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Working sucks. Is it true that English women take to sex like a duck to golf?? That's what I've heard.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-07 09:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to start farting back.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-09-07 08:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny. Get some really froofy flowery air-spray that he hates, and everytime he farts, spray it. if he gets mad at you, tell him he knows how you feel about the smell from his ass now. Two can play at the chemical warfare game.
nice picture, too.
Submitted by Disco Inferno at 2004-09-07 08:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All office stories are funny
Submitted by dwr_budr (user info) at 2004-09-07 08:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There's a Corporate England...?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 08:08:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My pleasure.
And then, yours.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-07 07:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 07:39:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give you a +1 if I thought there was any chance at all that I could cum on your glasses.
_____________________
Flattering.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-09-07 07:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-07 07:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give you a +1 if I thought there was any chance at all that I could cum on your glasses.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-07 06:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to think that "The Office" was fiction until i actually worked in England.
Now I work in Ireland. I used to think "Father Ted" was a work of ..... you get the picture
Submitted by Belrafon (user info) at 2004-09-07 06:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are great !!!