Fatty Wheelies... an excercise in the physics of cellulite (448 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EdselSpeedy_THC (View user info) at 2004-09-07 12:05:18 EDT
Hello, friends. This is a genuine story of horror.. it happened to me on Sunday, at a Labor Day pig roast.
I rode my newly restored 1968 Triumph Bonneville motorcycle down to a friend's house, about 50 miles south of my home in northwest suburban Chicago. There at his house near Joliet, he had a party complete with a genuine pig slow roasting on a spit, kegs, and many drunken bikers. After arriving, I parked my cycle at the top of the driveway. A small crowd had gathered. I had done a good job restoring this bike, and people were complimenting me left and right. Just the right depreciatory smile and a few thank yous later, the pig was smelling good, so I wandered away.
Then the inevitable happened. Some drunken hilljacker chick asked for a ride, as she'd never been on an English bike before. She had a nice rack, and I was still (somewhat) sober, so I took her for a ride around the block a few times. As I pulled back up the drive I noticed there was a line of ladies. Apparently, a nice flame job and shiny chrome are too much for white trash ladies. Several rides later, I was fiending for a beer, and starting to get some come-hither looks from the initial big-titted hillbilly chick. I parked the bike and began to walk away. Suddenly, the big tittie chick caught me by the arm and said, "Hey, my friend didn't get a ride." I say, "So where is she?" And she points.
The crowd parted like the red sea, and up walks this BEAST of a woman. She had to have been 400 pounds. We're talking morbidly obese here. She was wearing no less than spandex stretch pants and a tank top the fat rolls were bulging out of. Now, I have nothing against fat people; I'm not a small guy myself, but this was out of line. Especially for riding around on a little motorcycle that is only designed to carry 300 pounds, tops! Denise, her name turned out to be, expectantly waited by my bike, as if daring me to walk past her and ride far, far away.
How do you tell someone, in a mixed crowd, that they're too fat for your bike? How do you explain that the frame will bend, the wheel will become out out round, the fork seals will blow? Especially on your newly restored vintage Triumph? Well, you don't. I kickstarted the bike, turned it around, and she hopped on.
The next 5 minutes was exceedingly weird. First of all, I had no room to sit on the one-piece seat. Her giant Fupa (fat upper pussy area) kept shoving me forward until I ended up on the tank. The front wheel *barely* skimmed the ground, and I could feel the whole bike wobble underneath me. Then this sasquatch started screaming in my ear, telling me to go faster... and lord did she (I'm sorry, but I must say it) smell horrible. It was humid that day, and she was rank. I don't even want to think about it.
The ride ended, and I deposited this heaving mound of flesh back at the party. I inspected my bike, and to my horror, the rear frame rails had bent. 10 spokes on the back wheel had popped out, and my chain had become stretched to far beyone it's mechanical limits.
*Sigh* This is what I get for not being a jerk, and announcing in front of 100 people that this girl was too fat to be on my motorcycle. Now I must start over again.. my insurance company would not cover any of the damage, which will amount to over 2000 dollars.
Big ladies, please do not ask to ride on little motorcycles! And please do not be offended if a man Get your own fucking motorcycle to break!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by michaelooi at 2004-09-13 03:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-09-07 12:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at the title. For whatever reason it makes me laugh.