Things I Hate (3287 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.28 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by daniel <daniel.at.writerspacemail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-07 23:07:12 EDT
I hate those cooler-than-thou Jaguar commercials where that velvet-voiced bastard pronounces Jaguar "Jag-u-ah." "Lease a new Jag-u-ah for only..." That son of a prim British bitch. The only thing worse is people who say "Jagwires."
I hate the term "movers and shakers." It sounds like some mad-cow/low-card diet-induced syndrome.
I hate white guys who try to talk black. Just stop, seriously. I guess they won't be satisfied until Uncle Remus climbs out of their asses rapping "Zippity-doo-dah." And why do they always look like those guys on Cops running through someone's backyard?
No one has EVER been "head-over-heels" for someone: we're all, literally, always head over heels. If someone ever does a hand-stand and actually gets "heels-over-head" for someone...just... get the hell away from them.
I hate Paris Hilton's flat, low-carb ass, and she should stay out of film unclothed. The first symptoms of movers-and-shakers syndrome were apparent in her last "unauthorized" movie.
Why do they call them "apartments" when they're all together?
I hate people who say "I could care less." Hey, that's a nice thing to say. If you don't care about something, say "I couldn't care less." And I hate people who start sentences with "Hey."
I hate the guys in the "Girls Gone Wild" videos who act like dorky frat boys at their first kegger who've never seen a pair of tits in real life. "Whhhooo! Drop that top!!" Come on. Act like you've been there before! At least act like you've been to the European riverias where women go topless, or the Greek isles where most everyone goes completely naked. And for you makers of this trash, keep it coming, because where I live even thongs are unlawful and I've never been to Europe.
I hate "reality" shows that focus on already-famous, already-rich people. Donald Trump should fire his hair, then bring in 20 single, unemployed mothers to compete for a job where real hunger is the drive to survive, not which Ivy League brat would best fit into a Gap-ad-ready office. But since this will never happen, goddammit, he (along with Anna Nichole) should be attached to a bitch-slapping machine. Now there's a survivor show I'd watch.
Guys, stop saying, "That's what I'm talkin' about!" ...Oh, I didn't realize. I thought we were talking about something else.
"Untimely death..." What the hell is a timely death? ...dying in your sleep at 98 with a bed-full of bisexual nymphos trying to revive you with speedball injections and opium shotguns?
Hang on, I can't remember what I hate about that last one.
I hate people who say, "It goes without saying." If it goes without saying then don't say it. Move on. "Life's short, play hard!" Play hard? Like the old dead dude with the bi nymphos, him and his little blue friend? Viagra is a top-dollar street drug even for teens, and I hate that girls who are getting it "all night long" from their wannabe thug guys don't realize this. It goes without saying that Woodroe ain't staying up after midnight for them: it's up after hours 'cause it's so hard these guys have to literally lean against the wall over the toilet, like being frisked, just to pee— which ain't easy. It's real hard. This stands out in my own memories. Not that I've used Viagra. I could care less if you believe me.
Who the hell says "Mickey D's"?! Seriously.
I hate the courtroom term, "In your own words..." What the hell does this mean?: "And don't channel some spirit to speak for you?"
I hate that presidents have "speech writers." I should've used this to my advantage in school when teachers questioned whether I really wrote my term papers: "Ahm, no, I actually had my term-paper-writer write this one for me."
The show "Crossing Over" with John Edwards, who channels the dead for those hoping to contact someone who has "passed." These people haven't "passed," they've failed, to keep living. Without exception he channels immediate relatives. Just seeing my family at Christmas was hellish enough, now they're gonna escort me into eternity?! I'll pass.
I hate Pamala Anderson's super-sized breasts that look like an ass on her chest. (In general, if a girl's tits are bigger than her ass, something's up-- and it's not my dick.) I also hate Courtney Love's surgically-stretched face: she looks like she's in a centrifuge pulling 8-Gs.
I hate to get all serious, but I really hate the new Aunt Jemima syrup bottles that show her without her do-rag. She used to be hip but now she looks like Oprah--next they'll be putting a toboggan on the Cream of Wheat guy. That reminds me, I hate people who use the word "hip," because they never are.
I hate older guys who drive Corvettes—they usually have a facial scar and look like they're up to something shady.
I hate that I don't have the psychic powers to make Drew Barrymore move in with me and dabble into hypnotism and sexual role-playing.
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas..." Oh, I didn't realize that they had a dark-secret cloaking device surrounding the city. The only thing that stays in Vegas after you leave is your money... and the fat bastards who took it.
I hate girls who, after getting their tongues pierced, can't stop sticking them out and waggling them in my face. Wait, nevermind.
I hate the United Negro College Fund, because when I applied to them for college tuition and was turned down for being white, I sued their asses for racial discrimination, and lost! "A mind is a terrible thing to waste," and so was that $10 mill I didn't get to waste.
I hate friends who send me long, copied-off-the-internet "funny" crap to read, which only pisses me off because it's seldom actually funny, and even if it is, I feel guilty for never replying.
"Irregardless," "peace out." ---d
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
george carlin called. he wants his material back.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-26 03:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-26 03:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep that was a good rave ,liked it .
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-26 02:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just knew that if I traveled backwards, from the "Bud Commercial",
I would find something even better.
And I was right.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-19 05:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good rant
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
George Carlin does it better. It was funny, but, yeah.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-24 05:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops... sorry have a plus 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-24 05:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny stuff buddy. I'm impressed.
Submitted by dinafest (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!!!!
Submitted by regina (user info) at 2004-09-12 06:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too funny!!!
Submitted by benjiguy (user info) at 2004-09-12 05:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:55:53 (#)
Ranking: -1
I should be on this list."
-------okay, now you are on the list. b.
Submitted by drudy (user info) at 2004-09-12 05:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best yet I've read.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-12 04:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh.
Submitted by benjiguy (user info) at 2004-09-12 04:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate H.R. Puffenstuff for fuckin up my chilhood, and guys who turn up thier collars when they wear those Izod shirts. I hate guys who drink Zimas, and girls who like guys who act black, even when they're black, either of you. I guess drastically uneducatd and posing, phoney guys with upcoming court dates are everyone's dream date. Rant on+! +10
Submitted by GBB (user info) at 2004-09-10 22:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I guess they won't be satisfied until Uncle Remus climbs out of their asses rapping 'Zippity-doo-dah.'"
I laughed.
Submitted by Legitch (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great!
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Rant
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I should be on this list.
Submitted by drudy (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
add paris hilton to the bitch slapping machine.
Submitted by cassidykid <cassyvb.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-09 02:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kevink <k.devink.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-09 01:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-08 12:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh..
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-08 11:22:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Seinfeld-ish.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-08 03:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What? "reverse discrimination" is discrimination any you look at it dumbshit. For that asinine phrase to be true then it would be like a klan member liking Puerto Ricans since the norm would be that he is supposed to hate and discriminate against everyone.
that's another phrase that just sucks my choad.
fuck this, i'm gonna go pee in my shower.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-09-08 02:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:35:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
I noticed that too bigmike, but I'm thinking it was intentional.
Of course it was intentional you dipshits. It SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-09-08 02:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To the chick who thought the United Negro College Fund remark was tasteless, you should work on your sense of humor--it was obviously a joke against reverse-discrimation, nothing more (you don't think it happens to whites, wake up!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-09-08 00:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really funny. Well done.
Submitted by Hoobarino (user info) at 2004-09-08 00:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh... i do love a good rant.
THough the "I hate older guys who drive Corvettes—they usually have a facial scar and look like they're up to something shady. "
I think they just need it to get the young hot girls.
Submitted by sealclubber (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
and...and twins!
Submitted by Zookeeper (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice rant.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:35:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
I noticed that too bigmike, but I'm thinking it was intentional.
It may have been but I'm thinking that he just got caught up writing the post and missed it. This isn't a bad post. It made me laugh at times.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I noticed that too bigmike, but I'm thinking it was intentional.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I could care less.
Er, I couldn't care less.
You know what I mean, bitch.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He is destroyed by his own words. You hate yourself huh? That's sad...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The funniest part of this post.
There's this:
"I hate people who say "I could care less." Hey, that's a nice thing to say. If you don't care about something, say "I couldn't care less."
And then there's this:
I hate people who say, "It goes without saying." If it goes without saying then don't say it. Move on. "Life's short, play hard!" Play hard? Like the old dead dude with the bi nymphos, him and his little blue friend? Viagra is a top-dollar street drug even for teens, and I hate that girls who are getting it "all night long" from their wannabe thug guys don't realize this. It goes without saying that Woodroe ain't staying up after midnight for them: it's up after hours 'cause it's so hard these guys have to literally lean against the wall over the toilet, like being frisked, just to pee— which ain't easy. It's real hard. This stands out in my own memories. Not that I've used Viagra. I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU BELIEVE ME.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just read the last paragraphs because I wanted something else to criticize and what is this? You bastard! The Negro College Fund? Are you serious? That is the most kick ass civil rights step we have made in decades! For shame! I don't believe you!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for ranting. Line forms on the left for people who don't give a shit. I happen to like British Accents and I can't remember what else you wrote about but i'm sure it is something that I like that you made fun of.
Now go play frisbee and drink some 40's of Steel Reserve.
Submitted by Embryophagic <nclarkii.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-07 23:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I hate the fact that I just lost 5 minutes of my life reading that.
I'm a slow reader.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-07 23:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If they fuck with Uncle Ben I shall have to write a very strong letter.