J-Date, K-Date, Q-Date.....I am just happy to get A-Date. (1996 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.81 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-09-08 14:28:35 EDT
This past Sunday I went on my first real date in more years than I can count. (I lived with a girl for about five of them.) It's not so much that I feel like I couldn't get a date, it's just that for the most part, I feel that dating is an outdated practice that should be extinct. In other words, I'd rather skip the formalities and just agree to fuck to see whether or not I'll be wasting my money on things like drinks and Rohypnol. Plus, she'll learn right up front if she'll be able to handle the intense pleasure my appendages can provide...especially the vacuum attachment; that one always makes them scream.
Anyway...the girl is sexy and she asked ME out, so I could not refuse. Besides, she was brandishing a whip at the time...and she didn't so much ask as TELL me: "you ARE going to go."
"Yes mistress," is all I could muster due to the pain.
She picked me up around 7:00, and, after much ado pinning on my corsage, and an unexpected bonus nipple piercing, we were off to the symphony. As soon as we arrived in the parking lot, she got a phone call. It was some guy asking her who she was with and what she was doing. "It's none of your business," she said, "and if you must know, Bruno, his name is Brad, and he could KICK YOU ASS!"
Stunned, and more than a little scared, I decided not to cry, and instead I said, "yea....yea....ROOOAAAAR!" I figured if the evening payed off in sexual intercourse, it would be worth it, and I could conceivably disappear to Canada - making it difficult for Bruno to find me, namely because noone wants to go there. Though, I could probably just hide in the library...nobody ever goes there anymore either, especially people named 'Bruno'.
Entering the gates of the ampitheatre, (the concert was outdoors), there were people bar-b-qing and drinking beer out of the back of their Chevy trucks with football helmets on screaming such things as "Arg" and grunting such things as "Zug Zug". Others were head-butting each other while crowds around them chanted "Tchai-kov-ski...Tchai-kov-ski...Tchai-kov-ski". There was a hot chick standing among them, and I stopped to admire her, forgetting for a moment that I was on a date. My date saw this and said, "she's too young for you."
"I know. When she turns 13, I'm gonna track her down." This I said with a wry smile, but she was not amuzed.
We found our seats, or, rather, we raced to the front, and, while my date distracted them by showing her boobs, I stole a couple seats from these two old men in Shriners hats.
"All's fair in Love and General Admission, bitch!" I said, throwing the most shrunken one's walking cane at him. He shook his withered fist at me, so I stood up and shook my dick at him.
By now, the orchestra was tuning up to play Rimsky-Korsokov, and that's when I noticed her...well, actually my date pointed her out to me. She was a second-chair violinist. She was on the front row, and was wearing a VERY short shirt. As she played you could see right up her dress - FULL CROTCH SHOT! I don't know how many people in the audience saw it, but there had to have been more than just us. I could not resist pointing out the exposed crotch to all those around me, and we all spent most of the rest of the concert laughing and pointing.
The highlight of the evening came when, complete with cannons, croch-girl and company jammed on the 1812. A guy beside me looked at his program, read "1812 Overture", and yelled, "HI HO SILVER!!! YEEE HAWWW!!!" really loudly. Everyone turned to look at him and his dumb ass. (It's always refreshing when someone besides me makes an ass of themselves.)
"Wrong overture, dude." I informed him.
"Oh," he said, sitting back down - the smile fading from his face. He was clearly embarrassed...
The overture started, "dolce cantable", you might say. Then it hit - and the whole orchestra began thrashing with all their might and glorious power. A small mosh pit was growing down in the front as people started getting crushed against the security railing. The security personnel were having a hard time keeping the crowd at bay. Out on the lawn, the people were ripping up the sod out of the ground and slam dancing in a most violent and appalling way as the first of the cannons roared to life!
Then, to my amazement, the conductor threw down his wand and stage-dived into the crowd, where he was promptly torn to shreds.
After the concert, we took the venue up on the complimentary tetnus shots, then we got lost because it was dark and I was navigating, but we finally made our way to a bar where I made my date get me a drink because I'd left my ID in the car. She's a waitress anyway, so I figured she was used to it.
We listened to a Jimmy Buffett cover band while I got drunk and she sipped on a coke. Just the prospect of me getting drunk is bad enough, but nevermind getting drunk on a date when your partner is remaining sober! It wasn't long before I popped the question...
"Will you marry me?"
"No."
"OK...will you fuck me if I get a room with a jacuzzi?"
"Ummm....NO!"
"Take me home." Why waste any more of my time, I reasoned...
After all was said and done, we got back to my car and she asked me out again - this time to an INDOOR concert. "Why," you ask, "would she possibly ask YOU out again, let alone the first time?" That's because I'm so fucking sexxxy!
User Reviews
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-02-11 02:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44358
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-11 02:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, it was good.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-11 02:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not even reading the article yet. I am basing this review solely on the title.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 19:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We never went on that second date...
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-13 17:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insert something both witty and provocative here. About moose.
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
looks like its -2's from now on then
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, don't call me shitfuck...
There is actually a guy here with the name shitfuck. It will cause confusion.
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-09-09 19:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY SHITFUCK
you never did answer my questions i asked. i want all of em answered, in painstaking detail, or you get -2's FOREVA!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-09 12:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-09 11:49:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how to describe them really... I always call them "mantra rock". "Post-punk" most people would say I guess. They're from Baltimore, and are on the D.C. label Dischord records if you're familiar with that label (Ian MacKaye of Fugazi, Embrace, Minor Threat, etc. etc.'s label).
So many good bands on Dischord...
Lungfish is fronted by artist and sometimes tattooer Daniel Higgs (could probably pull up some interesting stuff if you do a google search on him).
Anyway, for some reason every time I've looked at my Lungfish records lately I've thought of your username...although the two have no real connection that I can think of.
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That's weird, everytime I watch Star Wars, I think of yours....strange.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-09 11:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.dischord.com/bands/lungfish.shtml
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-09 11:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how to describe them really... I always call them "mantra rock". "Post-punk" most people would say I guess. They're from Baltimore, and are on the D.C. label Dischord records if you're familiar with that label (Ian MacKaye of Fugazi, Embrace, Minor Threat, etc. etc.'s label).
So many good bands on Dischord...
Lungfish is fronted by artist and sometimes tattooer Daniel Higgs (could probably pull up some interesting stuff if you do a google search on him).
Anyway, for some reason every time I've looked at my Lungfish records lately I've thought of your username...although the two have no real connection that I can think of.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-09 11:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haven't heard any Lungfish, wookie. What style of music are they?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-09 10:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, shite.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-09 10:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just out of curiosity, having nothing to do with this post, have you ever heard of or listened to the band Lungfish?
If not, I highly recommend you get a hold of their albums "Talking Songs for Walking" and/or "Rainbows from Atoms".
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-09 09:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Richard...you are a sick bastard. Worst part is, a lot of these people would think you were joking, but I know you're serious.
Tell your wife I said, "let's fuck!"
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-09-09 07:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot to mention what kind of panties the hoe was wearing. black? pink? silk? see-through? this detail is needed for me to continue jacking. i still havent made it past that paragraph. shit, would have been better if she wasnt wearing anything underneath, shaved soft dripping wedge of heaven staring you in the face as if to say "i am a vagina".
btw, this isnt a married girl is it? and you HAVE to make a post if you get to pump her plump pink pussy, full details.
oh, and post pics bizznitch!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a great date. I've seen crowdsurfing at a barbershop quartet, but never a mosh pit at a classical concert. I haven't lived, I guess.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:18:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
right now I'm way to fucking lazy to write something clever, so I'm gonna go eat some beef jerky and do something manly to get motivated, maybe I'll scratch my crotch in public with some keys
-------------------------------
No, you're right whisky, that wasn't funny or clever at all...
BTW, it's only manly if you wear a football helmet when you do it.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
right now I'm way to fucking lazy to write something clever, so I'm gonna go eat some beef jerky and do something manly to get motivated, maybe I'll scratch my crotch in public with some keys
Submitted by alu (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me laugh a few times. Sounds like one of my dates -- on a good night.
Dabu
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 19:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Fetish, for that very witty and scintillating retort. Good luck in your job as a trash man.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gnome: Yea, pretty much. Funny enough, everything you just mentioned are the parts that really happened.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-09-08 17:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-08 17:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so, to recap, you went to a symphony with this girl who points out a croch-shot to you, go to a bar, and get shot down but then asked out again.
got it.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Boogieman!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:40:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa!
You tailgated with the orcs from warcraft?!?
That's awesome!
-----------------------
At least I'm not the only one who thought this...hahaha.
...and your post rocked.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:00:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tchaikovski y'all! T to tha chai to tha muthafuckin kovski yo!
---------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for the title... Didn't even read it.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-08 16:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tchaikovski y'all! T to tha chai to tha muthafuckin kovski yo!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I will work on my endings before I face, and beat you, Smurfs. ;)
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
moo, competition!
the ending was kinda abrupt
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry if I stole your title. It was purely coincidental, I promise.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You stole my title. But at least you did it with style.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew that.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-08 15:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love true stories.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, Shlongy, it is, like most of my stories, based on a true story...That is to say, she picked me up at 6:30, not 7:00. Sorry for the confusion.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is outstanding stuff.
I always fall for true stories like this one.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA!
I will keep that in mind Prophet!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Bob, those are the cavemen from the movie: "Caveman" with Ringo Star and Dennis Quaid.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything about this post is the kicker of all ass.
Well, almost everything. Next time you attach an image like that, have the courtesy to label the message as NSFW. Jesus, you people are going to get me fired.
Submitted by MacDaddySurge (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
date rape
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa!
You tailgated with the orcs from warcraft?!?
That's awesome!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-09-08 14:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute story.