The WiFi Territorial Dispute II (997 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.38 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by screamfeeder (View user info) at 2004-09-08 17:54:24 EDT
Part 1-http://www.ubersite.com/m/43893
The Un-holy White beast reared its refulgent squat head and beared down on my now unconcealed form. In a burst of clarity I jumped to my left barely making footfalls on the sidewalk as the aluminum clad horror went screeching past.
As a side note;
aluminum
Symbol: Al
Atomic number: 13
Atomic weight: 26.9815
Silvery-white lustrous metallic element of group 3 of the periodic table.
Highly reactive but protected by a thin transparent layer of the oxide
which quickly forms in air. There are many alloys of aluminum, as well as
a good number of industrial uses. Makes up 8.1% of the Earth's crust, by
weight.
FASCINATING!!!!
As the intruder flew past I felt something slam into my back with a sickening wet *SPLARCH* sound and feel (If you have never felt a SPLARCH, I repudiate you, for you have not truly lived).
Thinking I had been the victim of the grand comical mischief that is water ballooning or some other tomfoolery, I stumble from the blow and attempt to turn and watch for the all-telling license plate number. In the act of making my turn I feel something very cold and very substantial slipping down my back. Making the turn becomes an effort and now I am just trying to maintain my balance, let alone catch a glimpse of this Magic Water Balloon Shaman.
Giving up, I sit on a short wall in front of the Café. My back feels like it has been showered with a stream of Liquid Nitrogen straight from some grand deity's phallic rod. Looking around to make sure that I am alone, for my skin pigment hovers somewhere between alabaster and pellucid, I remove my t-shirt. Finding the weight to be slightly more substantial than that of a regular t-shirt I knew this was no ordinary potion that was hefted at me.
Further examination of the shirt would prove my assertion as correct. More on this in one second, or one paragraph.
For those in the know (and I know a lot of you are), there is a wonderful experiment that is great for either inebriated amusement or wicked pranksterism. It involves a bathtub full of warm water and a jumbo bag of Gummy Bears. When introduced together for an extended period of time(over 5 hours but less than 10), you will be privy to one of the greatest things ever seen.*
A Giant Soggy transparent Gummy Bear.
Just like the one that was currently leaving its eviscerated parts all over my new Pumas. Furious, yet slightly amused I vowed that this intermeddler would atone.
Gathering my shirt, Jezebel, and the last shreds of both my patience and dignity I set forth. There was only one place one in my predicament could go. Only one person could help me now.
I made my way downtown.
Downtown in my city is a classic example of the yin/yang philosophy. It is both a vast testament to the creators of old, and a vile writhing cesspool of loathsome consumerism. It was also where I would find the fulcrum to my adversary's demise.
Lucky Moto's 24-hour Sushi and Scooter Repair.
Lucky Moto is a king in this town. Half Japanese and Half Scottish, he is a 6'8" 285lb Coppertop Sushi Chef/Mod Squad Biker. His parent's were both killed in a boat accident when he was 9, leaving him to fend for himself on the streets for 3 years before finally being thrown in an orphanage till the age of 18. Upon turning 18, Lucky was privy to information that his parents had saved over $5,000,000 over their 20-year marriage. Upon the turning of 18, that money became Lucky's. What the hell is as 18 year old going to do with $5,000,000 thrown in his face? Lucky Moto's 24 Hour Sushi and Scooter Repair was born. This was my destination.
Being that it was now fairly late at night, the streets were filled with moronic simpletons, drunk on the night air (and themselves apparently as well), and getting to Lucky's took more time that it should. I hurried to catch him before he left on his nightly scooter ride to his mountain home, leaving the sushi bar in the capable hands of his biker cohorts.
Lady Luck was with me, and now so was Lucky.
Enveloping my arm in his bear like grasp he nearly boomed with energy. I told him of my plight and of the plans that now must be hatched. The schemes we should plan and the deeds that had to be done! Nodding his giant head he gazed at some point above my head and held his hand in a strange caricature of Auguste Rodin's "The Thinker" (Google it you philistine's).
A smile crept across his face as I related my woeful tale. As I neared the end he was grinning ear to giant ear. I had a feeling that whatever Lucky brought to the Desk of Devious Deeds would put my sophomoric ideas to shame. Once again, I was not to be disappointed.
His idea was simple, elegant and altogether brilliant.
We would find the identity of the perpetrator and monitor his haunts.
Intel.
Recon.
We would be the shadow's shadow. The breeze hidden within the tornado. The terror that flaps in...Luckys words not mine.
Upon gaining the informational edge, we would make our move. We would let this greenhorn know the proper pecking order in these parts. Lucky was a good friend of mine, and when my honor was impugned upon, his was. Thus, we broke camp, camp being the table out back of Lucky's bar and vowed to meet up in the morning at Lucky's house in the mountains. Lucky needed to go home now and ready some supplies for our mission. It would be a long operation and we must be prepared for anything that could stand in our way. I knew our adversary was cunning enough to have Gummy Bear Bomb's handy and also must have a base of operations nearby (unless he had a cooler of ice water in his car for said Gummy Bear Bomb).
It was to be a glorious operation we had planned. But at this point that is all it was a plan.
When I got home I plugged in Jezebel, booted up and proceeded to check messages before sleeping the sleep of the soon to be vindicated. Thunderbird opened with her usual alacrity. I clicked "Get Mail".
Inbox (546)
!
I am popular, but not THAT popular. First two were from work. The other 544 messages were a repeat of one message. A veritable Email Spam Bomb of which the likes hadn't been seen since '94.
The message read;
Dear Sticky Shirt,
By now you have realized that what transpired tonight was no accidental meeting. I know you and I am doubly sure that you know me. If not then perhaps I have overestimated you. Wouldn't be the first time would it? Tell "Smarmy" hello for me.
Without Equivocation,
Radio
A shiver ran down my spine. Crafty indeed.
TO BE CONTINUED...
User Reviews
Submitted by ilovepoopers (user info) at 2005-02-13 15:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Pooper
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-22 18:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here ya go.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-22 18:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sick of seeing his name on my uber page..
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-12-20 15:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad,
a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth
into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and
then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid
you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus,
the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop
will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it
more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink
shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea
of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do
you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have
more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You
are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source
of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless
crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You
cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup
pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted
fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I
despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far
that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no
intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on
Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire
galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll.
Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some
primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure
essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond
the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is
an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant
questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of
the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have
learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take
for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we
sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these
things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I
would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck
in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.
P.S.:
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged,
imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,
conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic,
diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive,
dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must read part III now...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for geekage!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-11-09 18:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you guys should play basketball
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you for the review you left on Teephphah's post. Nice work.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually don't read series posts, but this one is the shit. I remembered your first post and had to google "Alpha Nerd" to see if you posted again.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-09 10:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-08 19:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting. I have never heard of this fabled Gummy Bear Bomb, or the soaking of the bears. Hmmm.
Oh yeah, and good story. Your writing style is amusing and active. If writing can be active.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44384 <------------ check out this new girl she's really cute
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it said WiKi and got excited..
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause I have never been repudiated by a splarch
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-09-08 17:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*These can also be frozen for a more amalgamate experience.