Flak's recent history and moral conundrum. HELP ME UBER! (645 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.09 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FLAK <yo yo mama> (View user info) at 2004-09-08 17:56:09 EDT
I'm 33 and damn near divorced. My wife moved out about 4 months ago and this being our third separation, there is no hope of reconciliation. For all intent and purpose, the divorce is a done deal.
Immediately following our separation I was a bit of a wreck. You know the usual, depressed, drinking too much, staying up late by myself watching shitty movies, free to peruse the plethora of college bars in my hometown but without the will to actually clean up and go out, etc., etc.. I was a veritable shitbag of self-pity.
Enter Jeff. A customer of mine and self avowed lunatic, Jeff is a few years younger than me and has been divorced for about a year. This guy is a walking dynamo. I am not so sure he ever sleeps more than two hours in a single stretch. He is one of those guys who can come home from anywhere with a pocket full of legitimate phone numbers regardless of the setting. He plays the law of averages and simply asks any girl he is remotely attracted to with no fear of rejection.
Upon hearing of my pending divorce he immediately demanded that we hit the town for some unmitigated proverbial skirt chasing. And that we did, with the vigor of a puppy chewing a dirty sock. Every time Jeff and I took to the hunt, we had a splendidly wild time. One of the first nights we ventured out on the town together we ended up in an RV full of sorority girls celebrating with a rolling, bar-hopping bachelorette party that gained me legendary stature among many of the local bartenders who witnessed the debauchery which ensued.
It wasn't long before Jeff and I stumbled upon our team strategy for picking up women. It was really more of an accidental observation I made while at the bar one night, which once recognized could be enhanced and perfected. We work the old "good cop - bad cop" angle, with Jeff playing the part of the bad cop with his overtly sexual pick-up lines and gregarious bravado and me as the good cop with my boyish smile and knack for conversation. Jeff would hit on them all. The wild ones would stick to him and the more reserved beauties would bounce off and land in my lap. It wasn't long before I began dating a 23 year-old college senior and my divorce no longer seemed so bad. In fact I started to view it as a good thing.
For those of you who have ever lived in a college town of any size you have probably noticed that the comfortable bar scene of summer changes drastically once the school year begins. The bars become immediately packed with waves of college clones all dressed the same with identical hair, etc. Don't get me wrong, I was once enthralled by that atmosphere (and by God the bar owners get rich on the same) but for me, that stuff has simply become boring. Jeff felt the same so we went in search of some new thrills and found those thrills in short order.
We invented (as far as we know or care) the art of bar slumming. Here's how it works. Armed with camera-phones and cash we head far away from the campus and seek out the raunchiest dive we can find and then start drinking copiously. When I say "dive" I am not referring to the token dive of every college town where the plastic crowd can go to dip their toes in the gutter, I am speaking about the seamy underbelly of human existence. These bars are often located next to trailer parks or near local message parlors. They are filled with freaks the likes of which if described here would not be believed. There seems to be a theme among these skanky watering holes and that theme is karaoke. Really bad karaoke every night of the week sung by aged hookers, pierced junkies, and tone deaf Elvis impersonators. These places are never boring.
This practice does make a guy like me feel like a quarter in the penny jar and it just so happens that it works the same for females. Some girls (usually the better ones) enjoy the excitement of these dangerous environs when accompanied by seasoned veterans of slum, i.e. Jeff and me.
Last week Jeff and I headed out for a night of slumming. He made a call to his friend Kelly and invited her along for her first foray into our new sport. She readily accepted our summons and out we went.
Let me give you a bit of background on this gal. Kelly is 22 and beautiful. She is not the usual college town girl. She has reddish-blond hair and a smattering of freckles. She wears very little makeup because she needs very little. Putting makeup on this girl would be something akin to trying to paint a diamond to make it shine. Kelly and Jeff have been friends for a while but this night was only the second time we'd met. Jeff is infatuated with Kelly but the feeling is not mutual.
Here is where my problem starts. We are at a very strange karaoke bar owned by an ex-prostitute and local madam. Some would-be hooker is hitting on Jeff and providing great entertainment for Kelly and me. Kelly decides it would be fun to leave Jeff alone with the hooker and asks me to dance to the sound of a large bull-dyke crooning a Toby Keith tune. After a couple of slow-dances alone on the dance floor we head for the next dive where she snuggles up to me at the Jukebox and picks all the songs for me. As the night progresses and all semblances of sobriety leave us, we talk our way into a local strip club without paying the cover and relax in the plush surroundings. After a few minutes, Kelly hops on my lap for an impromptu lap-dance. All I could do was look at Jeff and shrug. Truthfully I had not pursued this quarry because I knew of his feelings. In the wee hours of the morning we make it back to my house. I climb into bed to pass-out and moments later, Kelly hops into my bed wearing one of my tee-shirts followed by Jeff. I can't say whether I would have done anything with this drunken beauty but I must admit that Jeff's cock-blocking had reached monumental proportion. And this is not to mention the obvious and unwelcome homo-overtones of the situation. I never thought my king-size bed would actually prevent my getting laid but in this case it did.
The very next night I get a call from Jeff with news that Kelly and her roommate want us to take them slumming because Kelly had had so much fun the night before. Jeff told me that Kelly's roommate was a bit large but I could surely take one for the team and accompany the big girl so he could work on Kelly. This took me aback. Was this fool blind? If he really wanted her, why on Earth would he drag me along?
Needless to say, this night brought more of the same. Kelly provocatively rubbed my leg under the table and suggested the Jeff hook up with her roommate so that we could be together. I told her that Jeff had other plans and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. She explained that he knew better and he knew that she did not want to be anything other than his friend. I tried to resist damnit!
Later that same night we were all setting at her apartment watching a movie. Kelly's roommate had fallen asleep and as soon as Jeff nodded off Kelly attacked and I succumbed to her advance.
I am weak and getting weaker in her presence. There are hot girls, cute girls and then there are truly beautiful girls. Truly beautiful girls will be as pretty at 60 as they are at 22. They have an inner beauty that shines through their attitude and personality. Kelly is one of these rare gems.
We have spent two nights together since the events described above. It is easy to see why Jeff is starry-eyed over her but he has never even kissed her. Should I feel bad? Should I resist? Should I pass up this golden opportunity for the healing of my own tattered heart? It would be different if he had been married to her or had dated her but he hasn't. Should a person be allowed to simply lay claim to another with no qualification? Am I simply trying to justify my moral failings or is Jeff simply being silly? Perhaps I am simply an ass, but a happy ass I will be.
HELP ME UBER!!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-09-15 17:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like your friend needs a reality check. Go for it.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-09 10:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
she is yours
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-09 09:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Stay home and masturbate.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-08 21:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are into her, she is into you and Jeff is your friend. OK then:
Assuming he is understanding - explain the score to him and see what he does. If he is bitter and immature, he is not a worthwhile friend anyway. Tell him to piss off and get it on with the college senior.
If he is understanding, he is a true friend. Get it on with the college senior and offer to show him the naked photos you should take of her. Everybody wins.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-08 20:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44384 <------------- this new chick is really cute
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-08 20:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well you're a disloyal horndog, but then again if she is a hot redhead all is forgive, go inpeace my son, but at the very least ya better pound her something crazy
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-08 19:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Fuck Kelly. No, fuck Jeff.
Flip a coin and fuck somebody, for Christ's sake.
Submitted by Random Spook at 2004-09-08 18:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hit dat shit, nigga. Hit dat shit raw.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-08 18:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a friend like that. Except she is interested in every guy she meets and gets mad when they want me. We have had many fights over guys she likes choosing me. She usually gets over it quickly and acts like she never wanted the guy and doesn't understand why I would. Then she hates him and never lets me hear the end of it.
Ahhh... best friends.... its so beautiful!
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeff lost fair and square.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Forget Jeff, man. Sure he helped you after your separation, but you just played the game better than he did. He'll get over it.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44384 <------------ check out this new girl she's really cute
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A true mate would admit defeat and allow you the prize. Your conscience should be clean.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-08 18:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU NEED TO DROP THAT ZERO AND GET YOURSELF A HERO, GURLFRIEND!