I Spend The Day Talking To John Kerry (780 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 0.75 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2004-09-08 22:32:05 EDT
I hate politics. Everyone has a damn opinion on them and are willing to choke out fellow humans over a stupid ideology. The ability to listen and comprehend what the person is getting across is the first step, the next step is to either rectify the problem through your knowledge or agree. It's that simple. The reason we even have parties and an electoral college is beyond me. I understand the fact that we basically need this structure now so therefore this is more of a thought of a more unified society. Do I sound insane enough yet? Excellent.
John Kerry is a beast of a man, weighing in at 189 lbs. with shoes and stands around 6'4. He kind of reminds me of a furless chewbacca, or that tree guy from the Lord Of The Rings. He extended his wooden arms and gave me the senator handshake, the one where he clasps your hand with the other hand because he feels your pain. I quickly took my seat opposite of him and stared into his old beady eyes. He sat there, his botoxed face glistening in the light. I quickly rose from my chair like a serpent and positioned myself inches from his face.
"Would you like some water? Or perhaps a slap in the face to show you who's boss!"
"I-I just came to answer your questions?"
"I'm afraid I might overload the motherboard chip and cause a meltdown in your system with my astronomically challenging questions."
"Are you implying that I am a robot sir?"
"I ask the questions I AM THE INTERVIEWER! Do you have a card with questions on it John Fairy?"
"Let's just settle down, just sit down, forget about the last few minutes, and start over..."
Kerry was right. I got what I wanted. The fire just needs to be lit people, and I planned on lighting it with a flamethrower with missiles on it. I just needed to throw some softies at him to loosen up. He was tense, I could sense it. I asked some questions about some treaties and some other boring political ranting, and I could tell he was hitting what I threw at him out of the park. It took him 5 minutes a question, and that's just ridiculous. Words just cause confusion so when you're done listening to him, you think what he said was good, but you don't really know.
Then I decided it was time to start up the flamethrower and point it in his direction...
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!"
"Huh? Oh, sorry about that. Didn't mean to actually point the thing at you..."
"This is ridiculous! I came to discuss current economical situation in Zimbabwe and end up with my life being threatened! I should have you prosecuted!"
"Come on baby it was just an accident! I swear to god you call the cops I'm gonna slit your throat!"
"This is the most unprofessional interview I have ever witnessed! I hope you enjoy this and find it funny, because 80% of the population thinks that this is a travesty and spit into the face of America!"
"John, before you go, I just have one thing to say to you, you're okay in my book buddy. I hanged with Bush yesterday and all we did was get drunk and go golfing. Then we took a submarine out for a midnight cruise with a half-gallon of Jack Daniels keeping us going. As much as I think I could kick ass being president, if it actually happened I'm pretty sure it would take a week until America is declared Hooterville and I have Mayor McCheese as my vice. Even though I still think you're a robot, I have come to accept the fact that robots are really cool, and that you both have good intentions, you both just suck."
"Um....thanks.....I guess?"
"No problem."
"Hey! Close the door! You think I live in a barn or something? Jesus!"
I hope you all understand that my views on the outside world are out of touch with reality. I live in a fantasy land where brownies dance on my pillows and I smoke cigarettes without getting my lungs destroyed. Ralph Nader is king of my land and he allows me to drive on the left side of the road and pick up hitchikers once again. We have to remember that one day things will change when the next generation comes, it always has. Whether it's good or bad is up to father time.
User Reviews
Submitted by Briddyboo (user info) at 2004-10-12 12:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-09 10:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best political post I've ever witnessed.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-09 01:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It wasnt your best, but I'll give you your +2 on style points.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-09 00:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cigar! Such thoughtful insights into my writing! I will take your critiques and slowly examine them, which in turn will make me a better writer. Thank you my friend.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless2 (user info) at 2004-09-08 23:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was banned for http://www.ubersite.com/m/44395
After which, Koolmang made a post defending me. He's a pretty cool guy, actually.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey pen! My brother's girlfriend is the sister to John Cusack, and John Cusack passed it through the grapevine to me that you're an idiot!
Submitted by pen15 (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
john kerry's AIM sn is kbr0ck. I know this because my neighbor is his nephew.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Degreeless what did they ban you over?
Submitted by Degreeless2 (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like my kind of interview. If all interviews were like this, the presidential elections would only last five minutes. Get straight to the issues, I like that.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope you know Impassive I have nothing in store for UberMadness.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I chuckled at this. Mostly the part about Zimbabwe. I am not sure why.... I guess it is just a funny name.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-08 22:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.