Tom vs. Patrick Swayze (3258 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.9 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-09-09 15:13:17 EDT
One weekend after I had finished my Masters and started my first job (in Memphis), I went to visit my friends Nick and Tom, who had not finished school yet. Immediately upon my arrival, we fell into our old routine, and of course to get the party started, we played a round of "The Road House Drinking Game", also known as "Spot the Mullet".
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The rules of the game are easy.
1. Whenever a character with a mullet appears on screen, you take a drink.
2. When any of the following lines are spoken, you must speak along in character and then take 2 drinks:
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"This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, Don't eat the big white mint."
Q: What am I supposed to do?
A: There's always barber college.
"That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that."
"Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong."
"Pain don't hurt."
"What do I look like, a valet?"
"Nobody ever wins a fight."
"Don't ever marry an ugly woman, she'll suck the life right out of ya."
Q: Do you always carry your medical record around with you?
A: Saves time.
" A polar bear fell on me."
"My way or the highway."
"I used to fuck guys like you in prison."
"The Double Douche..."
"All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice."
"Could be the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone."
Jimmy : Prepare to die.
Dalton : You are such an asshole.
Jimmy : Damn, boy. I thought you were good.
Dalton : Go fuck yourself.
"People who really want to have a good time won't come to a slaughterhouse. And we've got entirely too many troublemakers here. Too many 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry."
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3. And then the Mack Daddy of all Road House quotes, this one must be quoted in it's entirety:
Dalton : If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you, and you'll both be nice. I want you to remember that it's a job. It's nothing personal.
Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn't personal?
Dalton : No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.
Steve: What if somebody callas my mama a whore?
Dalton : Is she?
There is a short pause here. Now you must finish your drink before he follows it up with this line:
"I want you to be nice... until it's time... to not be nice."
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Believe me, playing that game results in a fuckload of drinking. Aside from the fact that the quotes come at a pretty rapid-fire pace, consider that almost everyone in the movie has a fucking Shorty Longback. The men. The women. The kids. If you look close enough, there's probably a fucking dog with a Michigan Mudflap in there somewhere.
In any event, we were getting shitfaced, when some character or another came on screen, and we needed a ruling. Tom advanced the opinion that the hair in question was indeed an Achy-Breaky. I disagreed, because the Soccer Rocker under discussion had long bangs, negating the intended effect of the Ape Drape.
"Bullshit", he stated. "It's long in the back, and buzzed on the sides. That's a fucking mullet."
To which I replied, "Sir, you clearly misunderstand the fundamental nature of the mullet. I contend that a true mullet must be short on the front, top and sides, and long in the back. Hair which is short only in the front would, I believe, technically be labeled 'bangs', while short sides with long bangs would not display the proper character of the quintessential mullet. It could be more correctly be described as a 'No-hawk'. Clearly you are in the wrong, you fucking Skunk-Ape."
Tom paused for a short moment in thought and then blurt out, "Fuck you!"
Even Nick got in on it. "That's a great comeback. You should write that one down", he quipped.
Tom replied, "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!", and threw his half-full Michelob into the kitchen, where it shattered all over the floor.
We continued playing.
When it was all over (around 2 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon), we were all completely wrecked, and that's probably the reason why we all decided it would be funny to start screaming for no reason, just to piss off their neighbors.
Me: "COULD YOU GRAB ME ANOTHER BEER, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"
Tom: "SURE, HOLD ON A GOD DAMN SECOND WHILE I TAKE A FUCKING PISS!!"
Nick: "JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO RETARDS SCREAMING ABOUT!?!"
Me: "WE'RE JUST SO SHITTING HAPPY, WE CAN NOT CONTAIN OUR ABUNDANCE OF JOY HAR HAR HAR!!"
Well, that Happy Horseshit continued for about 45 minutes, until we ran out of beer and I decided to walk back to the corner store and pick up another case. I was gone for maybe ten minutes, tops. When I got back, Tom was handcuffed and sitting on the stoop of the apartment building, with Mink standing over him looking as rough and badass as ever (http://www.ubersite.com/m/34942).
Tom's shins looked to be scraped raw, and Nick was just inside the doorway, hysterically laughing his balls off. I tried to get him to tell me what happened, but he couldn't speak. Every time he started a sentence, he would go off into another round of mad giggling. It was kind of annoying. I asked Mink.
He said, "We got a call that someone was disturbing the peace over here, and of course we all knew who it was right away. I knocked on the door and all I could hear was this dumbass screaming at the top of his lungs about how he wanted another beer. Nobody would answer the door, so I opened it and this fucking retard starts shouting, 'Trespasser! Trespasser! We have an intruder!'. I told him to shut the fuck up and he charged me. So I put him in a headlock and dragged his ass down the stairs. Stupid motherfu-"
Tom: "YOU VIOLATED MY CIVIL RIGHTS YOU FUCKING NAZI!!"
Mink, calm as you can be, leaned across and backhanded him five across the eyes. Hard.
Mink: "You don't shut the fuck up, I'm REALLY gonna violate you, you fucking idiot. You're lucky I don't drag your ass in and book you."
Not surprisingly, Tom immediately quieted down and resigned himself to merely shooting daggers at Mink with his eyes.
Me: "So, what are you going to do with him?"
Mink: "I guess I'll let him go, if you think you two can keep him quiet the rest of the day."
I looked over at Nick in the doorway, who was furiously shaking his head while clearly about to piss his pants.
Me: "Okay."
Mink uncuffed Tom, and let him walk up the stairs, alone. We stayed around and chatted with Mink about old times for a few minutes, then went in, too. Tom was playing Mario Kart Like Nothing Ever Happened.
User Reviews
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-09-22 14:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Over here the drinking movie is The Big Lebowski. It's very simple:
1. Whenever the word "fuck" or any derivative (i.e. motherfucker, fucking, etc.) of it is uttered, take a drink.
No one makes it past the first hour.
Submitted by HailTheMan (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aweomse
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-15 13:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-09-14 21:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and JMG are the best uberusers.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drinking game rules + mini-Tom post = +2
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-11 20:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't even have to read it Swayzee's rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
Soon my mullet will be complete, and i will be able to camwhore it off!
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-11 20:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Rotodizer (user info) at 2004-09-11 13:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading, but disapointing compared to the other Tom stories.
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Schweet
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok-forget how tired I am right now and ignore my mis-use of the English language as well as the misspellings. Hamsters not running at full speed this afternoon.
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll go with a 2 just beacause any movie where nobody where's underpants is gott be good. Really, check it out.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh thomas
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
just brilliant.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: "WE'RE JUST SO SHITTING HAPPY, WE CAN NOT CONTAIN OUR ABUNDANCE OF JOY HAR HAR HAR!!"
_________
Awesome. And yeah, we do it with Princess Bride, too.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Roadhouse
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant! Roadhouse is a fucking classic!! I dressed as Wade Garrett for Halloween one year, and walked around calling everybody "Mijo".
Yeah...don't ask.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-09 19:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, that's like my house, only it's the Princess Bride. You have to drink to every "As you wish," "Inconceivable," and "My name is Inigo Montoya," among other things. We're usually completely trashed by the scene with Billy Crystal.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-09 17:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that crazy tom...
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
amusing
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom RULZ LOL!!!!!1
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-09 16:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There needs to be tom on video, I would shit myself laughing at this. I woke my whole house up several times lastnight laughing my ass off at 3-4 in the morning to tom's incredibly funny antics
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny.
I really wanted to only give you a +1, though, because....
ROADHOUSE SUCKS.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-09 16:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great as always
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-09 15:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha these Tom stories kick ass
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-09 15:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-09 15:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
On an aside, I hope to have a chance to go against you in UberMadness.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-09 15:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment