...And That's Why I Had Chocolate On My Nose (338 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hamilton gianthead69.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2004-09-09 20:08:22 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
That's why I h
Working at variety store a couple of years ago, I learned some very valuable lessons. Like not talking to the people who come in at 3 in the morning. Or how to blame patrons for what you've eaten and drank without paying for it.
But nothing compares to that amazing night. It was a night of romance, mystery, intrigue and daring.
Actually, the store got robbed, but I'm getting kind of ahead myself.
One Saturday night, at 2 in the morning, I was dead tired and "reading" the latest edition of Penthouse. Someone came in and I paid them little notice. They walked past the car batteries, past the Doritos, to the slurpees. They filled up a bottle, and then continued walking. I was still studiously ignoring them, in my tired state barely even recognizing their presence. I heard the cooler door open, the unmistakable sound of a six pack, and then the footsteps coming towards the register.
One of my tricks and ways to pass the time was to listen to what they were getting, and then charging them without looking up. It was pretty disorienting to the customers.
"That'll be 5.50 please."
"I'm not paying."
Just remember that I am going through the motions, am completely unaware of what this guy is doing, and barely coherent.
"Well then I'll just take your debit."
"I'm not paying."
"So your credit card."
I hear a click and write it off as nothing.
"So what will you be doing?"
"This is a hold-up!"
"Actually, this is a Seven-Eleven."
"Look at me!" He screamed.
I casually looked up.
My mind was still a minute behind. Here's a rough idea of what was going between my mind and me.
Mind: "Wow, she could probably crush a small animal between those things. And the ass! Whoa! You could stop a train with that... GUN!"
I finally managed to choke something out.
"Shit man, you've got a gun!"
"And I'm going to blow a hole through your fucking head if you don't give me the money."
"Ok dude, just a second." I started fiddling with the cash register.
"I'm going to need to put something through to open it."
"What?"
"Give me the beer."
He reluctantly handed me the beer. Keep in mind that I'm still not thinking straight.
"That'll be 5.50. How will you be paying for that?" I asked.
"Do not fucking mess with me! Give me the goddamn money."
"Ok, just don't shoot."
At that moment, my guardian angel arrived. Actually, it was just my friend, but it was still nice.
He came in the store, blissfully unaware of the gun, and said, "Dude, I've got two Bad Religion tickets, you wanna come?"
As the gun guy turned, I was frozen with my idea.
The guy turned.
I picked up the closest thing to hand.
The guy fired.
The Doritos and window behind my friend exploded.
I stabbed him in the face as hard as I could with the chocolate bar. Right in the nose.
"FUCK! Why the fucking hell would you stab someone with a goddamn chocolate bar!?" He screamed.
I don't know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Spying my chance while he was still dizzy from the blow of chocolate coated goodness, I picked up the cash register. Unfortunately, it was heavier than I had expected it to be.
I dropped it on my toe.
Now there were two of us injured, and one of us who was in shock.
As I was on the ground massaging my foot and thinking about what expression I wanted to die with, I realized with a jolt how dumb I truly was.
After picking up the baseball bat under the counter for just such situations and clocking the guy in the head, I called the cops. It was hard to stop from laughing when I left the store, and saw the guy talking to the cops.
"He hit with a fucking chocolate bar, alright! That's why I had chocolate on my nose!"
I threw a Mr Big at him.
User Reviews
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 12:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment