I witnessed the pinacle of stupidity (885 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by whiskeyjack (View user info) at 2004-09-09 23:31:41 EDT
< Warning: A tad bit long, but it's not like you have anything better to do so read it damnit!>
Ladies and Gents of Uber I have see the embodiment of stupidity and it resides in the body of a fat 17yr old girl.
The day of the tragic event was last weekend on Friday. I was with my chums at a high school dance; there was nothing better to do. Well needless to say the dance blew leper dick; the DJ was crap, not to many people were there and me and my friends being seniors basically meant that almost every girl was many years younger and thereby off limits. I don't even like veal that much, let alone slutty preteens.
So eventually two of my friends and I decide to make like trees and fuck off from that major waste of a time and $6. We head on over to one of the town's local pizza places; I live in a very small town. Now this cleverly named restaurant called Jasper Pizza Place is where almost everyone without fail goes after a dance; we of course left earlier hoping to beat the horde of wee ankle biters.
We order our food and shortly after are rewarded with hot plates of deliciousness. I and my buddy Alex (names changed) had some orgasmicly good poutine; one of the best things about Canadian, while my other buddy, Frank had nachos. Me being a big believer in nachos was appalled at the plate of crap he received; it was an abomination using the alias of nachos. So halfway through our meals and a few detours to talk to some friends in a booth next to us we are interrupted.
This was no ordinary interruption either, oh no this was much, much more my friends. Cats hissed, dogs barked, and the moon that was previously obscured by clouds shown through with a strange and eerie red light. I think I even heard the song from Star Wars when the Emperor is shown, you know what I mean. And then I hear it, the voice that will test my faith in humanity and my strength of will.
"Uhhhh... Hey. Hi Alex, and Frank. Uhhh... but who are you?"
As I look up to see who is talking I almost immediately projectile vomit on the living crapfest before me. Her name was Carmen. She used to live in my town and go to my school for about a year or two, but had left a few years ago. Then she had been a short fat pile of wasted space, and now she was still a short (I swear she hadn't grown an inch), grotesquely fat pile of wasted space. Other than being so ugly you'd rather see Michael Jackson nude, she was also stupider than Siegfried and Roy goofing off with those damn tigers. Any way with that said back to me and my confrontation with the fat pile.
"Aren't you like their father?"
This friend is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in all my days. Now I'm 17, and granted I'm a bit big for my age and can easily pass for 18 or 19 I still do not in anyway, shape or form look like I could be the father of two seventeen year olds. I mean in the sweet name of fried foods my friends are even a bit taller than me; Frank is taller than me by a good 5 inches.
"Uh... What?!?"
I asked blankly, thinking I had to have misheard her. Surely no one is truly that stupid, because if God truely is there and truley is so good he won't allow such crap to happen right? WRONG!
"Umm... aren't you like their father or something?"
Upon saying something so stupid a second time something happened strange happened again. For a few seconds all was chaos, up was 11, Mariah Carey didn't suck, and Michael Jackson was a normal guy. In short the world was almost destroyed by the sheer stupidity of this one narsty crapsack. And I was the only thing between the world and total destruction. Upon me was laid the full might of all that is stupid. Images battered against my mind, trying to destroy me to reap the minds of Earth. I was attacked by stupidity such as people who think Brittany Spears doesn't lip sync, Pepsi Blue along with Sprite Ice, Hitler's invasion of Russian and the Children's Crusade. And worst of all: was the music I heard. Music like Corey Hart, Michael Bolton, and even the entire top ten from Canadian Idol!
But when I was said and done only I remained. I survived by clinging to thoughts of intelligence and manliness. Beef jerky, steak, peeing off large objects, and of course thoughts of Uber.
I then ran out of that wretched suck hole before it was too late. And what did I see once outside? I saw an angel fall from heaven; destroyed by such sheer stupidity. I quickly ran over to the fallen immortal and did the only thing I could think to do.
I stole his wallet; that cheap bastard only had $14 bucks on him. So I just went home, tried to drown the memory of that night in booze, but ended up falling asleep after watching some Family Guy episodes.
I gotta go, I can feel my IQ lowering just having to write about it.
User Reviews
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-09-15 17:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Funky!
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-14 00:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1 for the solid post, worth the 3-4 minutes it took to read it. But I'd be better off if I hadn't.
-3 for trying to +2 your own post. Your better than that.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 00:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by person189398 (user info) at 2004-09-12 00:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i use a computer maybe once or twice in an entire month, and i guarantee you won't hear from me again in your life. this is just something i'm doing to kill time for a little while, unlike you who probably sits on your ugly fat ass day after day typing up a storm.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-12 00:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, with the spamming me just cause I said your post were bad, well so did everyone else. And those were some of the lamest insults every. First I'm a guy hince the "jack" in my name. Second I'm not fat, and I know I'm attractive (even if I'm no AShton Kutcher). rating is to counter obvious spam attack so don't get your panties in a twist
Submitted by person189398 (user info) at 2004-09-11 23:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thank you for your negative opinions. I'm sure your fat and ugly, and that's why your so angry. It always happens that way. And by the way, your story is pretty shitty too. It was pointless as was mine. And that fat girl you were talking about is probably really you.
Submitted by TheAbyssLord (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This thing stunk like a goldfish, in which i mean a hooker cunt.
Submitted by slap_happy (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good but too long, still +2
Submitted by Mike_Hocksbig (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a bit long but i really liked te ending!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have witnessed the pinnacle of stupidity... this post.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-10 06:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Long is right.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am drinking rum. you are whiskey.
my rum botle has a pirate on it
pirates kick ass
jack daniels in whiskey
jack daniels makes munkey do baaad things
munket doind baaaad things kicks ass
+2 for you cuz this took me 15 minutes to write
a pirate walks into the bar. the bartender says "cap'n you got a
ship steerling wheel down yer pants!" the pirate says
"Arrrr. I know! it's driving me nuts!"
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-10 00:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny but a bit to long,shorten next time
and the celebrity comments were fine as they always as long as its funny
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-09 23:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-09 23:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahh so many references to stupidity and celebrities that it hurt. It wasn't bad but you can tell that a young person wrote it.
Submitted by butterball (user info) at 2004-09-09 23:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hm...was kind of funny.....for a little while...........
but not really.