Pimpin ain't easy but it's necessary, so I'm chasing bitches like Tom chases Jerry (7541 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 101 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2004-09-10 00:44:53 EDT
Elementary school was not a good time for me. As hard as it may be for all of you to believe, I was not the rocking, confidence and oh so sexy stud you immediately associate with the words, comic, book, and guy.
In the year 1994, comicbookguy as you know him today did not exist. In his place was a short, nerdy, skinny little boy as opposed to the tall, handsome, and buff individual you ladies salivate too every night.
My mother parted my hair to the side. I had huge, thick coke bottle glasses. I had braces to fix my beaver sized teeth. I wore my pants over my belly button as to prepare for eventual wedgies from eight graders. I sniffed in mucous every five minutes and made that horrible "slurp" noise. I read comics during recess. I got beat up for lunch money, sometimes by girls. If I was a little rascal, even Alfalfa would kick my ass.
In short, I would be Ralph Wiggum's bitch.
It was midway through the fifth grade year at Edenward Elementary. I was ten years old. My teacher, the crockety old Mrs. McFarlen was giving a lesson on long division. I was eagerly raising my hand and answering questions with rapid fire as the kids behind me threw spit balls and pencils into the ceiling.
All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door...
...and In walked the most beautiful girl I had every sawed in my whole decade of existence.
Natasha Jenkins. 64 lbs of ten year old goodness. It was like sunshine on a cloudy day. Everything went in slow motion. My heart fluttered. I watched as she gracefully made her way to the seat beside me, elegantly dressed in her pretty pink bow and flowery dress.
I sighed. It was the first time a girl had stolen my heart and given me action in the pants.
"Class, this is Natasha. She will be joining us for the remainder of the year."
I did a quick survey of the class and saw that all of the boys were in similar trances. She was absolutely perfect. I needed to act fast.
As Mrs. McFarlen continued to write on the board, I shyly looked over at her and tried to flash her a small smile. Miraculously, she smiled back.
And threw an eraser at me.
"Buzz off turd," she said.
Take THAT, comicbookguy's pride.
In the weeks to come, Natasha quickly vaulted herself to the top of the popularity food chain, devouring even the most popular eight grade girls. She was not to be reckoned with. Everyone, and I mean everyone was afraid of her, even the coolest of the cool. No one dared defy her. She knew she could have any boy she wanted and that meant there was no room for a shrimpy kid with glasses to have even the remotest chance of getting any ten year old tail.
Severely depressed, I went home and went straight to bed on a hungry stomach. It could have been the hunger, but I as soon I fell asleep I started dreaming. In my dream, I was asking somebody for advice. Who would it be but the greatest pimp of all time, Snoop Doggy Dogg.
"How did you land fine ass bitches all the time snoop?" I asked him. "Sure the millions of dollars and giant negro penis help, but what else?"
"Look inside yourself Simba. You are more that what you have become."
"What?"
"Hey Mufasa get the fuck out of here," Snoop said. "You want his little brother. Second door on the right next to the bafroom."
"Oh sorry," Mufasa said.
"Ah shit, my beeper is beepin. 69 69 69. I gotsta go. Remember kid, all you need to know starts with a capital C. Confiddizzence ya know? Also, rememba, bitches love it when you act like you can do without them nah mean? Belee dat. By the way, I'm thinking of starting my own ice cream parlor. Gonna call it scoop dogg. Whatchoo think?
"Sounds good" I said. It was at that point when I awoke again. Snoops advice stayed fresh in my mind. I knew what I had to do.
Armed with renewed hope, I decided that my best chance now was to make my move at the school dance. Natasha was too cool to have a date, so there would be literally dozens of boys lining up to ask her to dance. I knew it would be no easy task, but by god, I was going to tap some ten year old ass that night. I wouldn't let snoop down.
I got to the school around seven thirty. I had bought a brand new shirt and pants, spiked my hair with this new hair gel I bought with my allowance, and got rid of the glasses. Sure it was a little hard to see but in reduced my geekiness factor by 75%.
I could see that Natasha was in the corner of the gym, surrounded by her girlfriends. I could also see that no boy had yet attempted to break through this impossible barrier. No one was willing to face the humiliation of the merciless teasing of a dozen ten year old girls subsequent to Natasha's rejection.
I knew I had to make my move soon.
I was extremely nervous. In fact, I was so nervous that I had to take a shit. I ran to the bathroom and sat on the stall. I was then hit with the urge to vomit. So I did. In my underwear. As I was sitting on the toilet.
Lucky, the security and sturdy material of fruit of the loom tighty whities kept the vomit in check, and none had come onto my pants. As gingerly as I could, I removed my pants, then my underwear, tossed the underwear in the toilet, and put my pants back on. I was going commando baby.
I waltzed back into the gymnasium, breathed out loud, and made my way to the group of girls. I was time to penetrate this impenetrable force.
I walked straight up to Natasha and smiled. She looked at me with a bored expression on her face.
"What, are you going to ask me to dance? You know what the answer is going to be."
I smiled. "Actually, no." I turned to her friend. "Cindy, would you like to dance?"
Cindy, who looked more then a little shocked, stammered "uh...."
She kept looking back and forth between myself and Natasha. Clearly, my new look was rapidly melting her heart, but she did not want incur the wrath of Miss Popularity.
Oh Uber, the jealousy.
"Her??" Natasha yelled. "You pick HER over ME?!"
I tried to remain calm. "Yes I do."
I went to grab Cindy's hand when Natasha grabbed me.
"You are going to dance, with ME. Got it? Not with....her" she said, as she made a disgusted head flick in Cindy's general direction.
I gave her an exasperated look. "FINE."
She grabbed my hand and started dragging me onto the dance floor when Cindy grabbed her dress and pulled her back.
"He asked ME first!" she yelled.
I couldn't believe it. I had two girls fighting over me.
"Ladies, ladies, there is plenty of me to go around," I said. "I can boogie down with the both of you." (boogie down being the thing to say at that time)
I spent the rest of the night dancing with both girls, all the while trying to keep them from going at each other's throats. All the other guys just stared in pure awe, admiration, and jealousy.
And the end of the night, Natasha gave me a tight hug while giving Cindy the evil eye.
"I'll see you on Monday" she said sweetly. I gave her the thumb and wink. Classic.
Cindy one upped her by kissing me on the cheek.
"Bye stud" she said.
I swear, Natasha would have frenched me right then and there had her dad not been waiting in the car.
Uber, my ten year old ass like, totally got laid that night. There was only one thing to do at a time like this: strut
User Reviews
Submitted by bugblender (user info) at 2008-09-15 04:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-04-07 14:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-29 22:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great story.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-02-22 23:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-02-15 00:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chuckdoggydogg (user info) at 2007-02-14 00:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad I found this after randomly typing the title into google after hearing it in a song in the movie Office Space. Wow.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-11-26 18:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
instant classic
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-11-26 18:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Duuuuuuuuuuude.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-22 16:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.98????????????????????????/////
WTF?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 04:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
Submitted by gloop (user info) at 2006-03-02 03:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
classic + rofl... should be a Wonder Years episode
Submitted by CrazyHorse (user info) at 2006-02-19 10:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the shizzle.....yo....
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-02-19 10:14:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-06 18:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A true arse-kicker of a post
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-11-06 18:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
scoop dogg!
fatman scoop + snoop dogg lol
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Word.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 15:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been looking for this one for a long time for Neekol, the whole taking a dump and throwing up simultaniously thing.
Classic indeed!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So fucking classic.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-08-04 19:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamowned!
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-24 03:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was just so good.
Submitted by UberGirl (user info) at 2005-04-24 03:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woah this was awesome
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the best author on uber I've come across so far.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-13 01:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gollman (user info) at 2005-02-12 05:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-11-18 15:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving this a 2.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kneel down Comicbookboy.
And rise, Sir Comicbookboy, Knight of the Realm and Pimp of North America(or where ever you're from), for with your indesputable act of Pimpiness at such a young age, you are surely the fly-est, realest, baddest mother fucka in the land. Peace out.
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2004-11-18 01:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give you a +2 just for the title alone.
Ice Cube's Lethal Injection Disc.
Ahhhh Memories.
Submitted by MikeyP3184 (user info) at 2004-11-18 00:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading CBG at work = Good
Falling out of chair and smacking your forehead in laughter = Bad
Submitted by Mitchell (user info) at 2004-10-30 15:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was pure awesome
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-10-28 09:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this really was incredibly good
cbg your a genius heh
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Author. Ever.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have that EXACT cane in my closet.
Yes, I'm serious.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit boy, it's hard to keep a straight face in the office when I read your stories... A+
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-27 13:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sure you made snoop proud
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-09-25 20:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In short, I would be Ralph Wiggum's bitch.
Fucking hilarious!
Submitted by Cosmo <assman.at.kramerica.com> at 2004-09-24 18:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, but since when are 10-year-olds in 8th grade?
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing better then getting the chance to do a good strut.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-19 15:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always knew that guy was a winner.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-09-19 15:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"ell oh ell @ d@"
Submitted by whatever at 2004-09-16 05:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you never fail to entertain!!!!!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great piece of writing...i predict ubermadness will treat you well.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-11 16:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-11 09:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry CBG, but snoop dogg is a faggot.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 09:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! I was sure you were going to approach her and then realize your raging hard-on was poking through your pants with no underoos to keep it in check.
I do so love surprises.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-11 00:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-10 23:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beauty-ful
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-09-10 20:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
comicbookguy's pregnant?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 20:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck, this was riddled with spelling errors. Damn you sleep deprivation!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-10 19:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scoop dog, haha.
You the man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:32:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
One, two, three and to the fo'
Snoop Doggy Dogg and CBG are at the do'
--------------------
I LOVE this guy!!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. There's lots of Ubermenz who were pimpin' it out in elementary school.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Work
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hip.
Submitted by camor (user info) at 2004-09-10 19:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck snoop, because of his black penis, he keeps taking my bitches. Grrrrrrrrr
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is great, especially 'scoop dogg.'
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my, you were right. i love it.
you never fail to entertain.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You da man, CBG.
Nobody seemed to like it when I tapped 10 year old ass, and mine was a month ago.
Submitted by gravernmisery (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only 2 words... right. on.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never read anything of yours I didn't love.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must admit, the title alone caught my eye.
I still have Lethal Injection on cassette, and the receipt for it from 1994.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One, two, three and to the fo'
Snoop Doggy Dogg and CBG are at the do'
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mad props to envenom and siren for recognizing the cube lyrics.
PS: I'm so not gangster.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bene
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish that Snoop Dogg would give me advice in my dreams. In my Snoop Dogg dreams, he just keeps shooting rubber bands at me.
10 years old seems so long ago.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by calculations (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome once again
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sniffed in mucous every five minutes and made that horrible "slurp" noise.
The fucking guy in the next cube does this all the time, and he's in his thirties.
Fucking programmers!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being man enough to admit you got beat up by girls.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness on a stick.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another "Shlongy Seal of Approval" on the title alone. I liked it.
Submitted by breakdown (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post!
Brought me back to my grade school memories.
Submitted by BlinkSparky (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i love you
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scoop Dogg had me laughing.
And good on you for getting the exact right words for Mufasa to say. I love cartoon movies, I know many of the songs.... Yes I'm a geek. Shut up.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm thinking of starting my own ice cream parlor. Gonna call it scoop dogg.
I'd go there
Submitted by Bangaz (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the boom digity.
I would have given you the +2 without the picture.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-10 08:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny shit...nah mean?
And the last line killed me...Travolta rocks.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-09-10 07:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pimping 10 year olds gets a +2.
On a side note, you make me feel old as hell.
New Tom post up for you.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-09-10 05:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"By the way, I'm thinking of starting my own ice cream parlor. Gonna call it scoop dogg."
Hahaha, I'm always a sucker for word jokes.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-10 04:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-09-10 04:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-10 04:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG is back on track.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-09-10 03:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 For the godfather.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-09-10 02:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In short, I would be Ralph Wiggum's bitch.
_______________________________________________
Classic!
Cube is da shznit
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-10 02:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Go Speed Racer,
but I ain't gonna chase 'er.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-10 02:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn straight, muthafukka, you got them bitches holdin' onto yo' pockets, nigga!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was time to penetrate this impenetrable force."
tee hee.. he said penetrate!
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Lucky, the security and sturdy material of fruit of the loom tighty whities kept the vomit in check, and none had come onto my pants. As gingerly as I could, I removed my pants, then my underwear, tossed the underwear in the toilet, and put my pants back on. I was going commando baby. "
now who hasn't had to pull this delicate move before....just me...ok
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
he's an alcoholic drink?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BigMike is a mounaki.
Yes, a mounaki. Don't ask what it means.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's not free. It's slores at discount rates.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Canadians don't pimp. They just have a buch of slores that do it for free.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snoop Dogg would give this 2 40's up.
Damn, that sounds kind of gay.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I'm such a G it's pathetic
really, its quite pathetic.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
giant negro penis
+10,000
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My bad Mike. I read it over a couple of times before I posted but I didn't see anything.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-09-10 01:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
4:19...got a minute?
Submitted by melissa4 (user info) at 2004-09-10 00:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yo cone, fool, at Scoop Doggy dooooooggggg......
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-10 00:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-10 00:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for content.
-1 for not proofreading.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-10 00:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Real gangsta ass niggas don't flex nuts, coz real gangsta ass niggas know they got 'em.