The Perils of Being a Frenchy (507 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Huber the Nose<paulh82.at.bluewin.ch> (View user info) at 2004-09-10 09:33:45 EDT
Seeing as this is my first post Ill quickly introduce myself. Im an American living and working in Switzerland, Basel to be exact. In May I moved into an apartment with my buddy Boris, who is german.
And so the story begins......
Boris and I had decided it was time to get out of the house and go smoke somewhere ELSE for a change, and since we live near the Rhein (a big river in Europe), it seemed to be the most logical of destinations. After sitting there for a while looking at the revolting brown water that is the Rhein, we decided it was time to get wasted.
Tequila was quickly decided on as the instrument of our demise. It was only 5:25 PM, but living in Switzerland means that on Saturday's, the stores close at 5:30. We quickly ran to the nearest store, only to find out it had closed at 5.
After cursing every god I knew, I quickly thought of a plan B. I would have had a plan B ready if I had thought the shitty store was going to be closed, but alas one needed to be thought up. After a few minutes it hit me, a brilliant fool proof plan the could only result in success: Walk around until we find a store that was open AND sold liquor. Brilliance. Eventually we found an establishment meeting both requirements, and purchased a beautiful, golden, gleaming bottle of joy.
Now all we needed was a place worthy enough to get wasted at.......the Rhein! So back we went, bottle in hand, and smiles on our faces. After drinking half the bottle, the monotony of the surging river started to get at me, so I suggested we head home.
On the way saw some Swiss kids getting ready to roll a joint. Being the nice, fairly drunk guys that we are, we just HAD to fuck with them. As we walked by we did nothing but stare the whole time; a mean, menacing, „Im going to fuck you up and steal your shit" stare. About 20 yards away we sat down on a ledge, maintaining eye-contact with the unsuspecting Swissies. After a few minutes of intimidation, I got bored and looked the other way just in time to see some bastard ass kid on a bike, swerve towards where we were sitting and nearly run over my foot. I was going to let it slide, but the alcohol said „no". The kid was followed by two of his friends, all 3 had to be somewhere around the 16-18 year old age range. Without thinking I jumped up and sprinted after them. While I was runnning after the kids, I distinctly remember having a conversation with the alcohol.
Me: What the hell am I doing?
Alcohol: You're going to beat those kids down.
Me: Cool......Why?
Alcohol: Cause they fucked with us, and we dont take shit from no one.
Me: Riiiiiiight. What about that one ti.....
Alcohol: Shut up you pussy, and run!
It didnt take long to catch up to them, and as I did I gently dismounted the two friends from their bikes with a light shove. As they were picking themselves up off the ground, the leader turned around.
Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Leader:[something in french]
A light shoving match ensued, until Boris finally arrived, tequila in hand.
A little side not on Boris: Boris is a crazy, violent man. In fact, the word violent doesn't do Boris justice. When Boris is drunk.......he becomes überviolent; Prone to striking anyone without remorse.
Anyway, so Boris walks up, grabs one of the kids, drags him off to the side and starts going to work on him. I turned to see the leader had gotten back on his bike and ridden off. I presume he went to get more friends. Meanwhile, one Frenchy is getting wailed on, the other is just standing there next to me watching his friend get the pummeling of his life from Boris.
Me: Aren't you going to help your friend?
Frenchy: Wait, wait.
„Excellent" I think to myself, convinced now that more are coming. Boris and I are each 6' 2" and around 200 and 190 pounds. Anyway the leader comes back with another 17 year old punk. I almost laughed aloud, until i started thinking „there's no way this guy is going to beat my ass.......as confident as he looks, he must have a gun/knife."
After I realised he meant no harm, I helped him get Boris off of his friend. Then we start talking about what happened and blah blah blah. The kid boris was wailing on started getting a big mouth again, and in what turned out to be the funniest moment of the night, Boris slapped the shit out of the kid. Anyway just when it looked like things were about to get interesting, 2 cop cars show up, an more officers on foot in the other direction. Luckily the cops missed all the physical exchanges, and wanted to know what happened, and also to see everyone's ID.
One of the officers was a not only a female, she was a stereotypical „Im as good as any man" dyke. In her tough man voice she asked who the tequila belonged to. I informed her it was ours, and it had spilled which was why it was more than half empty. „Spilled right down my throat and into my bloodstream." I thought to myself with a chuckle. Anyway after checking our IDs, they let us leave with a half bottle of liquor, meanwhile the Frenchies didnt have any ID and got taken away to jail.
Moral of the Story: French people smell.
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-10 12:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Switzerland kicks ass! Hell yeah, capitalizing off neutrality. They make awesome clocks and cheese and stuff too!
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
By the way, I'm in the north of Germany right now. Maybe we should find some other Euro überusers and start an übercon.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Just that you shouldn't have said you were new, and the formatting was a little difficult to read.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, ok. I guess.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not too shabby for a first post.
Write many more.
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yea.....im not what I would consider a good writer, I just wrote something for the sake of it.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you Paul. Not a bad first story, overall.
Give me a call tonight because we're getting wasted!