Origin of a Stupid Phobia: Trampolines (1437 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.84 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-10 09:36:15 EDT
I have an almost Pavlovian reaction to trampolines. I just have to see one and I want to simultaneously vomit and cry. How can one harmless piece of playground equipment make a grown woman shudder in terror? Well, I'm glad you asked. No, I don't care that you didn't ask. I'm going to pretend you did.
When I was twelve, we had chickens. We fed the chickens, took care of the chickens, and collected the chickens' eggs. There were baby chickens sometimes; that was cute. All little and fluffy with their little 'cheep cheep' sounds... chickens. And sometimes, we would kill the chickens. Well, I didn't kill the chickens. I once managed to break my own toes with a plate. I wasn't allowed anywhere near the axe. But my Dad would kill the chickens.
It was quite an event. He'd go out to the chook pen (Yes, it's a hopelessly colloquial phrase. No, I don't know what else to call it) and lean on his axe, giving the brainless feathered twits his thousand yard stare. By some process of elimination known only to him, he'd choose one, capture it after a few highly entertaining minutes of running and cursing (well, they entertained the fuck out of us) and take it to the chopping block. There would follow the age old ritual of killing chickens; he'd put its head under its wing to put it to sleep, then stretch its poor defenseless neck out on the chopping block, which was cross hatched with axe marks and deeply stained with the Blood of Chickens Past. Then he'd swing that old heavy axe, and the world was free of one more chicken.
On this day, the day that will forever render me powerless in the face of backyard play sets, my sister and I were jumping on the trampoline as Dad went about his killing spree. Picture it, if you will. See the two little girls, bouncing on the trampoline in the sunshine, holding hands and laughing and being generally annoyingly happy with life in general.
Got that image? Ain't it cute? Now factor this in:
My Dad swung the axe and sliced the head off the chicken. Said chicken, not caring at all about the laws of nature that say very fucking clearly "You can not live without a head, moron," jumped from the chopping block. It crossed the yard in ever higher leaps until it bounded straight onto the tramp, jetting blood from its neck like the lawn sprinkler of Satan. It jumped with us, joining the fun. My sister and I were screaming, blood coated the trampoline, our legs, our faces, and the chicken kept jumping with its no headedness horrifyingly apparent. We slipped and fell and the chicken kept jumping maniacally. When we finally got it together enough to roll off the trampoline, the chicken's frantic bouncing slowed, and stopped, until it was just a feathered dead thing that twitched spasmodically and oozed blood onto the tramp.
I haven't been on a trampoline since.
We ate the chicken, though.
User Reviews
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-19 18:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
....
I want a lawn sprinkler of satan
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2004-12-02 09:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hehehe
Submitted by kat1207 at 2004-09-29 19:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would be terrified out of my mind!! When i was little, my grandmother used to pluck the chickens, once they were dead, that sight still brings chills to my spine. Thanks to that, I now have a chicken phobia.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-14 01:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm on the bandwagon.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-14 01:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh jesus christ, circe.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 11:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the few things on Uber that made me bust right out laughing.
I'm going to have spasmodic laughing fits for weeks now. Thanks a lot.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:08:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just beautiful!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had chooks when I was little too. And a trambampoline. Never combined the two though.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:53:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:48:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike - Yeah, it's funny now. I can look back at it and laugh. I still hate trampolines though. They always look way too.... shiny.
Maybe you need to make them less shiny somehow. Cover them with some bloo......uhh....paint them, yeah that's right. Use some paint..
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"Gonna paint that wagon,
Gonna paint it good.
We ain't braggin',
We're gonna coat that wood!"
For some reason, BigMike's response made me think of that
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"jetting blood from its neck like the lawn sprinkler of Satan."
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Hahahaha! Funny stuff.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I reccomend covering the trampoline with shake and bake.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have coffee in my nasal passages. Thanks ever so much.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:40:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Chilling.
I can't blame you for being afraid of trampolines.
Personally, I would never eat chicken again.
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I think I'd be more inclined to eat them. There's less chance of a chicken running around and ruining your good time on the trampoline after you've eaten it.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd comment, but I can't breathe.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would someone please explain to me why other people's traumatizing childhood events are so dang funny? I almost pissed myself laughing at this!
A sick and twisted bunch, we are.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:56:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Mike
Why are you such a freak? And where can I learn it?
Circe
And ETS... you scare me. In a "Dear God what is that THING?" kinda way.
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"Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya. You kill my father....PREPARE TO DIE!"
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's only too bad that you didn't have the videocamera running to preserve the moment for posterity.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have developed a phobia of my father after such an incident.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Mike
Why are you such a freak? And where can I learn it?
Circe
And ETS... you scare me. In a "Dear God what is that THING?" kinda way.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautifully written!
"Then he'd swing that old heavy axe, and the world was free of one more chicken."
Your father's a hero.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:48:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike - Yeah, it's funny now. I can look back at it and laugh. I still hate trampolines though. They always look way too.... shiny.
Maybe you need to make them less shiny somehow. Cover them with some bloo......uhh....paint them, yeah that's right. Use some paint..
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yea....my dad used to twist their heads off and we would voluntarily chase them about...Then when we caught them, we'd drink the blood from their necks and play scrabble.
Funny post...bloddy little girls (not to mention those on trampolines) always make me laugh. Just wait till they grow titties! Then it'll be a real show!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike - Yeah, it's funny now. I can look back at it and laugh. I still hate trampolines though. They always look way too.... shiny.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great scene for a movie.
It would be hilarious.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If every post had headless chickens jumping on trampolines, the world would be a much funnier place.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
While your post was, as you put it, vaguely amusing, it was still stupid. How could I carry an argument if you weren't arguing back? Am I the only one who sees the people who aren't me replying to your post? I was only pointing out a couple of things because I'm very bored. And it's not like I -2'd you anyway. Jesus Christ.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn - I fear the prospect of having to face you... Your imagery is very vidid and humorous.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bleed the Sky - It's a post, intended to be vaguely amusing, about something that happened that made me dislike trampolines. Why are you arguing with me when I'm not arguing back?
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also: the only valid reason for a trampoline phobia is a trampoline induced injury. For example: Doing a front flip and instead of landing on your feet you land on your left hand (my brother did that and broke his arm. He ain't bitchin' about it). Otherwise you are just being a drama queen. Wouldn't it make more sense to have a phobia of chickens?
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That's pretty traumatic.
My grandmother used to raise chickens. Yes, they do sometimes run around like that when you kill them.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-09-10 10:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Confirms the headless chicken theory? Were you home schooled as a child? That "theory" was confirmed long ago. That's why you hear the phrase "he ran around like a chicken with its head cut off". If chickens didn't run around like the apocolypse is coming after you cut their heads off (much like they do before you cut their heads off) then there would be no fucking point in saying that.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a valid reason for the phobia though.
And it confirms the headless chicken theory.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is some funny stuff.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmmmmm, psychologically scarring chicken.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever happened to the good ol' days where people would chase chickens down and simply snap their necks?
Your dad is a pussy.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-10 09:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chilling.
I can't blame you for being afraid of trampolines.
Personally, I would never eat chicken again.