Regis and Tommy Lee - Lost Regis Episode Discovered (1224 hits)
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Rating: 1.52 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2004-09-10 12:53:05 EDT
Former Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee will be featured in a new half-hour reality show on NBC this fall, in which he will enroll in college. Most TV viewers are not ware that Lee made an attempt at a television career four years ago, when it was thought he would make a suitable co-host for a popular daytime talk show.
The following transcript, anonymously posted on the Internet, is from an episode of Regis Philbin's syndicated morning talk show which never aired. The episode, described as "lost" by American Broadcasting Company, was one of a series of shows done in the wake of Kathie Lee Gifford's July 2000 departure, after which Regis tested the waters with a number of guest hosts.
This particular guest host represented a horribly misguided attempt at drawing in younger viewers. The live audience was composed mainly of women and children, and there are reports that many of them were traumatized by the show. Regis was shaking with rage just before taping was cut short, and many who saw his beet red face and twitching limbs thought he was having a massive coronary, when he was in fact trying to restrain himself from attacking his guest host.
This transcript is all that is available at the moment, and there is no way to know when or if footage from the show will appear on the web. This transcript begins after all the usual opening hullabaloo, as Regis is taking a seat before the audience.
WARNING: This transcript contains graphic language.
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{transcript begins}
Regis Philbin: Well, here I am again, all alone.
Audience: Awww!
RP: It's tragic, isn't it? Hopefully things will change with my next guest and co-host, that rocking and rolling bad boy, Tommy Lee!
Audience: (applause, cheers)
RP: Take a seat Tommy, get comfortable. Hmmm. No one can wear a T-shirt and leather pants quite like you, Tommy.
Tommy Lee: Thanks, man.
RP: Say, that's quite a collection of tattoos you have there, heh-heh. Is there any unmarked skin left on you?
TL: My wang and my nuts, but I'm considering-
(Executive Producer) Michael Gelman: STOP TAPE!
RP: Jeez.
TL: Who's the yelling guy with the headphones?
RP: The producer of the show. He hears every word you say.
TL: He's wired pretty tight.
RP: He's paid to be wired pretty tight.
MG: Tommy, you can't say things like that. Remember, this is a family show.
TL: Whatever.
MG: Roll tape.
RP: So, it seems things are finally settling down, and that you've left all the trouble with the law behind you.
TL: Pigs man. What are you gonna do?
Unidentified Female: Goodness.
RP: Yes. Well... How are things progressing career-wise?
TL: Okay. I wish I had a dollar for every copy of that vid sold on the net though.
RP: Moving right along-
TL: I guess everybody wants to see Pammy working my joint.
Unidentified Female: There are children present!
TL: They gotta learn about the birds and the bees sometime, bitch.
Unidentified Child: He's mean!
MG: STOP TAPE!
RP: This is going to be a long day.
MG: Tommy, you can't talk about the video, okay? No video, no... carnal acts, no Pamela, no involvement with the law. You could get sued. Or we could get sued. You want to get paid for this gig, don't you?
TL: Gig? What, are you George Martin?
MG: Just cool it, Mr. Lee.
TL: Whatever.
RP: I may have to take a break and de-stress.
MG: Hang in there, big guy. Let's jump right to Garth. Roll tape!
RP: Now let's welcome our first guest, Garth Brooks!
Audience: (applause, cheers)
Garth Brooks: Hi Regis. Hi Tommy.
RP: Hello, Garth.
TL: Dude.
RP: Garth, we have a lot of questions for you, but I'm sure the thing everyone wants to know now is-
TL: Hey, Reg, mind if I ask Country Boy a question?
RP: That's Reege, actually. And I-
GB: Let's hear it.
RP: Perhaps later Tommy can-
TL: Get a load of the Fuhrer.
RP: That's not a very nice-
GB: Boy, is it getting hot in here!
Audience: (Laughs)
RP: I think we should all just grab hold of ourselves and take a moment to-
TL: I thought you'd never ask, Reeeege.
RP: What are you saying?
GB: This is like watching dubbed TV in a foreign country. The faces are familiar but you can't understand what's going on.
Audience: (Laughs)
TL: So, Brooks, wanna see my wang?
GB: Beg pardon?
RP: WHAT?
MG: What was that?
TL: Want me to unleash the beast?
RP: HEY!
MG: I can't hear a thing with these damn headphones! Where's my sound?
GB: Yeah, like anyone on daytime television would-
TL: Sounds like a dare to me.
GB: A dare?
TL: How about a public flogging?
GB: You lost me, partner.
TL: Beef jerky.
GB: Are you on something? Are you of them pot-heads?
TL: I bet if I shot from here I could hit the second row.
RP: MY LORD!
GB: Are we talking firearms now?
Unidentified Female: This is obscene!
MG: STOP TAPE!
TL: Fuck.
Unidentified Child: He said a bad word.
Unidentified Female: I'm leaving!
MG: Tommy, maybe this was a mistake.
TL: Nah, I'm just messing with you. Come on. Let's roll.
RP: I've got to take some deep breaths.
TL: Seriously. Garth and I are both musicians. We can chat and then maybe jam together. That would be quite a sight.
MG: Okay, but I think I'm going to regret it.
RP: I've already passed that point.
MG: Roll tape!
RP: Tommy, what are you doing-
GB: Fella, I don't think you can unzip your fly on TV.
RP: What in the name of-
TL: Check it out, dude.
RP: PUT THAT BACK IN YOUR PANTS!!!
MG: I should just kill myself.
Unidentified Female #1: Oh my GOD!
Unidentified Child: I can see his pee-pee!
GB: Cripes. That's some serious chaw you got there, buddy.
TL: Fucking right. This thing has scraped the back of Pammy's skull.
Unidentified Female #1: This is obscene! I'm calling the police!
Unidentified Female #2: Raise it, Tommy!
Unidentified Female #1: Be quiet! There are children here!
Unidentified Female #2: Shut up, you cow!
RP: Ladies, please, don't fight, please-
GB: Damn! That's what I can a catfight! Look at them go!
TL: I'm enjoying this, man.
GB: Yeah, we can see that!
RP: Jesus H. Christ, that thing is almost as big as I am!
MG: STOP TAPE! STOP THE FUCKING TAPE, GOD DAMN IT!
{transcript ends}
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Rumors suggest that Tommy Lee did what he did on purpose, and that he now has the master tape of the show... which will one day be sold on the web as an 'unauthorized video.'
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,14799,00.html?tnews
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-29 00:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-05-27 14:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real on not, this is probably your best work.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage repair...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:01:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh, funny read, but I SERIOUSLY doubt it's authenticity.
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Jesus, I missed this comment the first time around and now I'm laughing my ass off!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-28 18:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-09-10 21:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:52:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome!
The best part: "Unidentified Child: I can see his pee-pee!"
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When I was writing this I could actually hear the little kid's shocked squeal. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign, but it made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty awesome.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome!
The best part: "Unidentified Child: I can see his pee-pee!"
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SERIOUSLY underrated.
Assholes, use the rating tool right.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:43:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff Jack. Very creative.
You and me...Possible Round 2 UM clash...looking forward to it.
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As am I. It should be a fun ride.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny, but it's shennanigans.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn that was good!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff Jack. Very creative.
You and me...Possible Round 2 UM clash...looking forward to it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care WHAT I've said about you...this rocked.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:10:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
You must have a lot of time on your hands to write a novel about Regis and Tommy Lee. This thing was seriously 300 pages long. Okay I exaggerated but it's at least in the 200's.
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In that case, I guess we know what will give way my identity in unbermadness...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:03:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack...this is funnier than shit. My kind of post. Only longer.
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Thanks, man. Yeah, vulgarity does have it's high points.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only was this funny as hell, but a lot of the dialogue (especially at the beginning) sounded like it really could have been real. You, my friend, have managed to capture "the essence" of Regis. I just don't know why anyone would want to do that though.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You must have a lot of time on your hands to write a novel about Regis and Tommy Lee. This thing was seriously 300 pages long. Okay I exaggerated but it's at least in the 200's.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True or Not this is funny
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack...this is funnier than shit. My kind of post. Only longer.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh, funny read, but I SERIOUSLY doubt it's authenticity.
Submitted by shane2004 (user info) at 2004-09-10 12:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice one star fleet commmander !