Ultimate Irony (505 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sgt. Badass (View user info) at 2004-09-10 13:37:48 EDT
A few years back, i was press-ganged into joining a summer club for a few weeks. You know, one of those shitty, soon-to-be excavated, dilapidated shitheaps somewhere in the countryside. Eventually, I agreed to go. Why not, I asked myself, there might be a chance to make some new friends, surely not EVERYONE who attends summer camp can be sweaty jocks, can they?
How wrong I was. As soon as i stepped off the bus, I knew I was in deep horse shit. A couple of guys, enveloped entirely by muscle, strutted past, flicking each other with wet towels on their way back from the group shower session. I could see that the next few weeks would quite possibly be the worst I would ever endure.
6:30, three days later. Im still burrowed into the relative warm of the thin bedsheets, while yawning jocks were gearing up for another sweaty day playing football or admiring each others' pecs. I had just about settled in, and knew which ones to avoid. But there was one. One asshole that finally gave me a definative meaning to the word 'Neanderthal'. This guy was built like an ape, and almost as clever. And as if his stunning personality wasn't charming enough, he also happened to have a thing for grabbing people's groins. I felt like slugging him across his chops when he made a swipe, but I knew i'd be instantly bundled by tons of jock flesh. So I kept quiet, praying that gorilla face would suffer a nasty accident involving HIS groin area.
God must've been feeling particularly generous, because the next day, my prayer was answered in the best fashion i could ever hope for. Sitting on one of the sofas in the dorm, bleary eyed, and holding a cup of stagnant tea, I was about to experience something incredible. My stomach lurched when i saw Mr. Gorilla emerge from his bunk. unconsciously, I covered my groin with my hand. He walked over to me. Sat down. An awkward silence. then he smiled at me, and made a grab for my groin yet again. I scrunched my eyes closed.
But the blow never came. As I slowly opened my eyes a crack, I saw the Gorilla staring, wide eyed, legs crossed. Then, without warning, a tidal wave of vomit exploded from his mouth. He fell sreaming and crying to the floor, this hulking jock, face in the ground, clutching his bollocks amd screaming for his mummy. I didn't have a clue what was going on, I just waited, shellshocked, for someone to come and help this guy on the floor.
An ambulance eventually came, and as he was whisked away, I found out what had happened. As he has reached over to me, he crossed his legs sharply. And twisted his testicles over each other, a condition known as testicular torsion. The vomiting was a natural response, the brain's way of letting the body know that the owner had just sterilised himself for life.
I can't help feeling sorry for this poor jock. I suppose he had it coming, and that testicular torsion is possibly the most fitting punsihment ever for people who attack others' groins. But on the bright side, he is now permanently infertile, so the human race never has to fear apes diluting the gene pool ever again.
User Reviews
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-10 22:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story. poor doofus.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:02:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, did this make me shiver. Jesus!
I read a story in FHM (the UK Edition, all the others suck) a few years back. A footballer had been hit hard enough that his thighbone popped out of the socket in his hip. When the bone was popped back in, the guy shrieked and passed out. It seems that one of his testicles got caught between ball and socket...
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that made me cringe.
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-09-10 21:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish more storys would end like that
Submitted by Luso (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't imagine that kind of pain, and I don't want to either. *Shudder*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, did this make me shiver. Jesus!
I read a story in FHM (the UK Edition, all the others suck) a few years back. A footballer had been hit hard enough that his thighbone popped out of the socket in his hip. When the bone was popped back in, the guy shrieked and passed out. It seems that one of his testicles got caught between ball and socket...
Submitted by spooky (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that happened to my brother when he was 9 or 10. but his testicles got twisted around when he was sleeping. he had to have surgery and stitches.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-10 15:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've heard of the "cords" getting twisted, but not getting them tangled.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-10 15:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never heard of 'testicular torsion' before??? But we had a guy at school we called De-evolution Man. He too resembled some sort of ape. I think his mom must have been impregnated by an orangutan. Funny how their mental capabilities mirror their physical appearance.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-10 14:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy crap...made my nads hurt just reading it. Still, gotta love a happy ending. I only assumed you dumped your piping hot beverage on him. Now I feel like I'm gonna throw up...
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-09-10 13:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fiction, but stil a nice story.