Episode Four: First College Fight (7378 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.08 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <sparky19852.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-10 23:59:32 EDT
Episode Four: First Fight of College
WARNING: The following is the report of a person clinically diagnosed as a sociopath.
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So, here's the story. Teddy and me were walking down the hallway last Thursday. Teddy is this black dude that's my new coke-pot-and-'shroom-dealer where I go to college. He's pretty cool and he doesn't mind racial jokes (just like I don't) so we get along well.
Anyway, we were strutting down the hallways, joking and making obscene comments to the girls, when I looked into one classroom.
At the back of this class there was an old man sitting in a student's desk. Now, I don't mean like 40's or 50's, I mean he was like 65 years old.
I put my hand in front of Teddy and said, "Whoa!"
"What, brother?" Teddy asked.
"Dude, look at that old guy in that room."
He looked at him and commented that he was "one old mothafucka." I was curious as fuck as to what this old, sorry jackass was doing in college. So, Teddy and I waited for that class to let out and followed the old guy to the parking lot. Before the old man got in his car, I started shouting, "Sir? Excuse me, sir? You dropped something," waiving my wallet around, hoping that it looked similar to his.
"Oh," he smiled, stopping in his tracks. "Thank you."
Just then, Teddy jumped the guy from behind and put him in a full nelson. I punched the bastard in the stomach about five times as hard as I could, screaming, "Who are you? What the fuck are you doing here?"
The old jackass couldn't take it and he passed out right there.
So, this is usually where this story would end. A fun time beating up an old man who didn't belong somewhere. But not today...because at that moment, the quarterback of the football team starts hollering at the other end of the parking lot, "Hey! What's going on?"
"Fuck, nigga," Teddy starts saying to himself, and then to me, "Dude, we betta split."
"Then split man," I said. "I don't care. What's this guy gonna do?"
Teddy wanted to leave but, like a good drug dealer, he stayed with me as the QB came up to us.
"What the fuck happened?" the jock asked.
"None of your fuckin' business," I said.
"Excuse me?" he replied. "Do you know who you're fuckin' talking to?"
"Some kind of ape," I said. Obviously, I was looking for trouble this day.
"Fuck you!" he screamed. "Are you a freshman, you piece of shit?"
At that moment, I took out my switchblade. I was fully ready to kill this bastard. I don't usually brag about being a sociopath (okay, I constantly do, but so what), but when this asshole called me a piece of shit, I was ready to go nuts on him. You see, where I come from, it's been understood for a looonng-ass time that you just don't fuck with me. Everyone in my high school, including the faculty, knew not to fuck with me. I will destroy you and get off Scott-free. That's just the way my life works out. But I honestly hadn't been in a fight anywhere around school (save one incident with a janitor) since 8th Grade, because everyone just knew that I could kill them. And here I find this bastard going around saying, "Do you know who the fuck you're talking to?" Well, no, I didn't. And I didn't have to. I was the one to be known in this situation—I am always the one to be known. I'm the guy that'll kill you, skull-fuck your corpse, and mail your cum-encrusted face to your grandparents. You don't want to fuck with me. And I was about to make that fact clear to the toughest man on campus.
I lunged at the QB with the knife. He moved and tripped me. I fell flat on my face and I'm lucky as fuck that I didn't land on the knife the wrong way and stab myself.
Teddy, seeing me down tried to choke the jock. When I looked up, the football player did one of those jack-knife motions where he flipped Teddy over. In one quick motion, Teddy went flying from standing behind the QB to on the ground in front of him.
I staggered to my feet and the football player kicked the knife in one swift motion clear out of my hand. It went flying across the parking lot. I stood there, surprised at what he had just done, and left myself open for the jock to punch me square in the face three times. I fell back onto the pavement.
Then, a strange instant, Teddy hugged the guy and held out three bags in front of him (an eight of pot, a quarter of mushrooms, and a gram of cocaine). Quickly, Teddy kept repeating, "What you need, player? I got it. What you need? I got it, player. Huh? Huh? What you need?"
The jock took the bags, looked them over, and stuffed them under his shirt. With that, Teddy picked me up and dragged me over to his car where he calmed me down enough until I agreed that I wouldn't go kill the bastard who had just kicked the crap out of us.
So, I got my knife, got in my car, and went home. In my first fight of college, I had my ass handed to me, BUT I do have to admit that drugs seemingly did save the day in this one instance.
THE CHRONICLES SO FAR:
Episode 1 - "The Sociopath Movement" (9-9-04) http://www.ubersite.com/m/44546
Episode 2 - "What is ACTUALLY a rape?" (9-10-04) http://www.ubersite.com/m/44583
Episode 3 - "My Sexual Deviant Cousin" (9-10-04) http://www.ubersite.com/m/44640
Episode 4 - "First Fight at College" (9-11-04) YOU'RE HERE!
User Reviews
Submitted by erbgor (user info) at 2005-01-12 19:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I punched the bastard in the stomach about five times as hard as I could, screaming,
"Who are you? What the fuck are you doing here?" "
Visualizing this really cracks me up, but you lost, so only a +1. I like you better when you kick ass.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-12-27 09:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I didn't see this series earlier.
I am hooked.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-20 16:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You lost, but +2.
Submitted by PyroBeast (user info) at 2004-12-07 08:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn your work is good
Submitted by stevendurel (user info) at 2004-11-22 14:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did Echo Boxing -2 all your work?
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-11-07 14:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Spookyx42 (user info) at 2004-10-01 22:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you had a knife, 2 guys and you still lost? That jock must be bad ass fighter.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-09-14 11:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon
I'm not the captain of the football team
I'm the captain of the chess club
(Gives that cheesy vulcan hand thing)
Submitted by ProbablyACircle <ProbablyACircle.at.Passthebowl.co> at 2004-09-14 03:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
[Krista]
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-11 17:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a great story...let me know when you'll be near SC so I can take a turn beating the living shit out of you, too.
Submitted by ValakasDemon (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, why must you get to be sociopathic? All I get is depression. That's not fair...
Submitted by ZeroSignal (user info) at 2004-09-11 00:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would rather have taken the beating then given away all of those drugs. That is a shitload of $$.