Pine needles in my ass crack and moonshine (1622 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by daniel <daniel.at.writerspacemail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-11 01:27:48 EDT
I live on the Gulf in Orange Beach, AL., and since tourists are, well, tourists, we often go out and find our own fun.
One night this summer, a girl kept talking about her great grandma who lives in the woods out on Look Rook Road, who makes "real moonshine". (We've always gone "shrooming" here in the cow fields to the north in spring—-some cow-tipping has taken place, but thank god none were Badass Cows. But other than mushrooms and swag weed, there's no drugs here. Basically. So anything unlawful AND potent is is simply seductive.)
Moonshine. I'll skip ahead due to memory-gap.
I woke up the next afternoon, beyond hung over, lying in unfamiliar woods with only an impressionistic notion of my whereabouts. Several friends were likewise sprawled here and there groaning. I could smell my own breath, which I'd thought was impossible. I was sun-burned only on the right side of my body. My left arm was numb and unresponsive. I was naked except for tube socks, and someone had thrown a damp tent over me like a burial shroud. I passed out again about then, and awoke later hearing a voice that sounded alarmingly like Granny Clampett yelling, "Git uppp! You're worthless. All y'all."
The old woman was walking around kicking at us one to the next, all of us groaning semiconscious. I had to keep one eye closed to focus on her. "Jus look at you," she said to me. "Worthless."
I remembered more then: the hag was the great grandmother of a girl who smelled of pee passed out near me-- same girl who'd lured us out to the old woman's house to sample "real moonshine" I vaguely remembered holding up a big Hellman's mayonnaise jar full: The unholy grail.
The last thing I remembered from the night before was all of us running around the woods with flashlights doing imitations of Heather from "The Blair Witch Project." The crone told me she'd covered me when she'd found us all laid out in the woods this morning, and in the same breath said, "Warned y'all, justa sip'n no more. Hell I been runnin mah cah on dat shine fah yeahs. Git on up, you worthless."
I reached to squeeze my head but slapped myself with my numb hand. There were pine needles in my ass crack. I remembered those really old cartoons, where the hillbillies would all be laid out in their yards unconscious near jugs marked XXX with their beards rising and falling as they snored. I never understood why they were always unconscious, now I do.
User Reviews
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-07 05:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha!! Granny Clampett. Haha!
Submitted by GroundHogSlayer (user info) at 2005-04-19 11:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you for linking this to me!
ummm... "We've always gone "shrooming" here in the cow fields to the north in spring—-some cow-tipping has taken place, but thank god none were Badass Cows."
aaaaaaaargh...you CAN'T fucking tip SLEEPING cows. They sleep on the ground. You CAN tip really understanding awake ones, but they sleep on the ground.
Good story, little short but still good. I know a lot of grandma's like the one in it
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-17 03:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BridgetJones (user info) at 2004-10-17 02:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee, good work!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-24 05:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another post worthy to be out back onto most recently reviewed. Well done
Submitted by regina (user info) at 2004-09-12 06:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by benjiguy (user info) at 2004-09-12 03:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Copperhead Row/// start running it to p-cola
Submitted by drudy (user info) at 2004-09-12 01:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should be scene from Jay and Silent Bob visits south coast. !+2222222! damn
Submitted by person189398 (user info) at 2004-09-12 01:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice story crack rabbit
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 00:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title.
+2 for the Deliverance like story.
+2 for shits and giggles
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-12 00:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times. If you want to get moonshine go to a guy from Newfoundland; they love that stuff. I know of a guy who died by drinking anti-freeze thinking it was moonshine.
Submitted by GBB (user info) at 2004-09-12 00:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee Haw!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO MOONSHINE WOO!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-11 01:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I. want. summa. that!