SO... What IS the difference between a pussy and a cunt? (completely safe for work) (3148 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.84 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell (Guess who's back... back again.) (View user info) at 2004-09-11 01:54:37 EDT
Hey Uber, what's going on around here? It's been quite some time, but I'm back... to let you know, I can really shake 'em down. The thing is, I already know you love me, and why not? After all, I can mashed potato. I can do the twist. I can tell a story about retards and not get hit with a fist.
I might even break out my patented "Bigaty BAM, bitches!! +2" while I'm here, who knows?
Anyway, I'm here tonight because I have to vent. You see, by ranting to you all, I effectively avoid killing large groups of people, thus going to a federal "Pound-Me-In-the-Ass" prison and getting my shit pushed in by a large black inmate named Jamal.
Anyway, enough nonsense, let's get down to brass tacks.
When I was eleven, I saved up two week's allowance and bought a dirty joke book. My friends and I had a faaaantastic time telling these ridiculous jokes on the school bus and offending anyone within a ten foot radius... especially the bus driver.
(She actually stopped the bus one day and just stared at us in her oversized rearview mirror for about a minute while we giggled to ourselves and repeated the punch line of the joke someone had just told.)
Our favorite joke?
Question: "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
Answer: "A pussy is something warm, wet, and wonderful. A cunt is what it belongs to."
I have to be honest, at eleven, I didn't quite get the joke. In fact, I went home that night, stood up in front of my parents, and asked if they knew the answer. Of course they did, but they were not telling me. My father seemed to thing it was quite a humorous joke; however, my mother was not as thrilled. I got 15 minutes of "soap time" for that one.
(Please note: this type of punishment led directly to soap poisoning which resulted in me losing my vision for a short time. Luckily I got it back when I was kicked by a mule. By the way, if you don't get either of those movie references, we can't be friends. In fact, I may have to drive to your house, kill you in your sleep, and drive back to Ohio wearing your head as a hat. Let's move on.)
Eventually I understood the joke and told it quite often to the amusement of my friends... my male friends. My female friends never seemed to get it, no matter how many times I repeated the punch line. It would usually go something like this:
"Hey Melanie, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
*BLANK STARE*
"A cunt is what it belongs to."
*JAW DROPS*
"A cunt is what it belongs to."
*ANGRY LOOK*
"A cunt is what it belongs to."
*TURNS AND QUICKLY WALKS AWAY*
"A CUNT IS WHAT IT BELONGS TO!!"
Anyway, I have recently discovered that the punch line is not entirely accurate. In fact, I think it should be changed to go something like this:
Question: "What's the difference blah blah blah ..."
Answer: A pussy is something warm, wet, and wonderful. A cunt is my fucking bitch of a new boss.
Just so you know, if you hear about someone in Toledo going insane and killing his boss, then getting in his car, driving to his apartment complex and finishing off his idiot neighbors (and their damnable pets and children), then point at the television and laugh and remember to tell the reporters that I "always seemed so normal."
I mean it when I say that this woman is the most pompous, condescending, controlling piece of partially digested corn in a abnormally large pile of human feces that I have ever come across. Apparently not putting the date on a piece of paper is actually a cataclysmic event that will start a chain reaction ending with the planet stopping on its axis and the crab people rising from the depths of the earth to rule us all with an iron claw. At least that's what I've been told.
Folks, I'm an intelligent young man, but I'm still new at my job. To put it another way, I'm still learning. The other day she told me to do something one way, then bitched at me for doing it that way. Then she bitched because I told her she told me to do it that way.
"No I didn't," she screeched.
"Yes you did," I replied.
"Yea, well that's your opinion."
I felt like Alex Trebek dealing with Burt Reynolds, er... Turd Ferguson.
Today, I was sitting at my desk filling out an online address form to put on a Fed Ex package. It's part of my job. In order to get the stock information to New York, I need to have an address form. As I'm filling in the blanks, she tells me: "Stop surfing the internet."
"Bitch," I replied. "Don't make me pull out my glock and smoke yo' ass!"
Ok, that didn't happen. Actually, I turned to computer monitor so she could see it and simply said. "Fed Ex... part of job... not screwing off."
She ignored me and continued to bitch about my increasing internet activity... all of it on Fed Ex.com.
Did I mention she only yells at me when there are people around? Oh yea, she's one of those people. She likes to bring others down so she can feel good about herself.
fucking bitch
Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. The wife is out of town visiting her father, I'm shitty drunk after sitting in a bar with some friends watching Miami beat Florida State for the last four hours, and now I'm bitching about my whore of a boss you all of you.
Good times.
It's good to be back.
User Reviews
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-10-11 18:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this post. And I know exactly the type of bitch you are talking about. Women like that shouldn't be allowed in authority positions. If it was a man, I would just take him outside and handle his shit. But a woman? Sucks.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-26 04:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm never here when you post. =(
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-23 05:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking CUNTS!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-09-23 05:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-09-11 20:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boss is male, but he acts just like yours. By the way UT rules!
Submitted by Tom Sorrell <fuck logging in> at 2004-09-11 20:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That was a kick ass ending Nerfherder!! I can't believe the Bucks won when they turned the ball over 4 times to Marshall's zero. It was VERY sloppy, but a win's a win.
GO BUCKS!!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-11 19:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug.
WOOOOOOOO.
Submitted by briancte (user info) at 2004-09-11 17:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok this is what you do.....piss in her gas tank.
simple yet classic
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-11 16:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you're back! Great post.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-11 12:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit. I was making drunk posts too last night.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-11 12:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When you get ready to quit that horseshit job, hit your boss in the face with your flaccid pecker.
Tshow her.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-11 12:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality quotes...Some missed by others like Con Air...South Park, Damn crab people...best rant ever
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 12:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually I referenced four movies in this.
Office Space
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
A Christmas Story
National Lampoon's Christmas Vaction
The "got kicked in the head by a mule" line was from Vacation.
Nice catch Random Joe.
Oh, and who am I? WHO AM I!?
Eh, I'm nobody... just user #4104. I had a few run-ins with the Blink 182 Teenage Army on here and the rest of the internet and gained some notoriety for it. I left the site about a month ago because I was starting a new job. Last night was my first post in quite some time.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-11 11:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaaaaay!
My boss yells at me too. SHe is justified though. Waaaaay to much ubering.
I can't help it. If I don't see uber every hour on the hour I get the shakes.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-11 10:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny. Welcome back.
Submitted by Goulash (user info) at 2004-09-11 06:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It had good bits... But that was pointless
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-11 06:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sockboy (user info) at 2004-09-11 05:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
to Disektor: i think the one movie was right, "Christmas Story", the other movie wasn't "national lampoon...." but was "office space"
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-11 05:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea who you are or where you're back from, but I do agree with your taste in movies:
"A Christmas Story" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation".
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-09-11 04:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you people crack my shit up
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-11 04:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:10:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, I fucking hate her. Have I mentioned that?
Anyway, good to see you too, Death Metal.
Hooray Beer!
BEST SLOGAN EVER
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-11 04:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sooooooo far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
Really, don't they? That pisses me off.
Lack of sleep has affected the way I think, I think. I'm going to wake up in the morning and wonder if I actually said I'd give some guy anal after getting him drunk. Then I'd tell myself I was just joking but in reality I would lust over the thought all day until I got home from work and could satisfy my urges by watching Scooby Doo reruns.
Yeah.. err.. I'm going to sleep now.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, it's time for passing out. The room is starting to spin on me.
Later, yo.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually it is a city in Europe.
It also happens to be the right armpit of Ohio... Cleveland is the left armpit.
Dayton is the bum knee.
Columbus, however, is the heart and soul.
(I think I'm going to start spelling out my punctuation. I think that would be pretty cool. Like comma check this out semi-colon I apostrophe m totally kewl exclaimation point one)
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To..le..do? Must be some obscure European nation. Either that or a city in Ohio.. but I'm leaning more towards European nation.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, you are fucking cool.
I love that you know that joke.
+2 for you, and I'm not sure how much I'll be writing, but yes, technically I'm "back."
I love commas.
,
,,
,,,
,,,,
,,,
,,
,
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and welcome back.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The version of that joke I know:
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and goes up to his Dad.
"Dad," he says, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
His Dad nods slowly. "Son, I'm glad you asked me. It's about time we had this talk."
His Dad gets a Playboy magazine and opens it to the centerfold. He very carefully draws a circle and shows the page to Johnny.
"See, Johnny? That's a pussy. One of the most wonderful things in the world."
Little Johnny looks on, wide eyed. "Wow, Dad. It's beautiful. But... where's the cunt?"
"Everything outside the circle."
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, if you live in or near Toledo, I'm down. But um, the bars are closed...
Submitted by squirrely_wrath (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bitch," I replied. "Don't make me pull out my glock and smoke yo' ass!"
hehehe
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Until I get you drunk enough to be susceptible to the idea of anal, ass-grabbing will have to do.
On a completely unrelated note, care to go drinking? Like.. right now?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually I'm all about running along a beach in tight shorts singing songs and playing grabass. I'm just not into sticking my dick into poop, then removing it and doing it again... and again... and again...
I dunno, call me crazy.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love green eggs.
No gay sex though.. what about playful ass slapping and/or possible crotch grabbing?
Surely you aren't against those?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:27:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
With you back, the stock in ubersite just went up 25%. Stay around awhile.
------------------
Oh great, that means I have to enter the stock into the system and send it to New York... and that means more Fed Ex labels.
Why do you torture me so?
Seriously, thanks for the comment. +2 for you.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That depends, do you like Green Eggs also?
Ok, I'm past the giddy stage of the al-kee-hol, now I'm fucking tired. Plus, Ohio State is on in about 12 hours... I need to go to sleep.
But yea, if you like Green Eggs, along with your ham, we can indeed be friends. Chums, if you will.
But I won't have gay sex with you.
Sorry.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
With you back, the stock in ubersite just went up 25%. Stay around awhile.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like ham.
Will you be my friend?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Red red wine you make me feel so fine... you keep me rockin' all of de time.
JIMBO!!!??
SCOTT JAMES??!!!
Dano? Tom? Sleestack!!!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bort, where the fuck you at, homie? Where you be? Where you is?
You be 40?
Red, Red Wine?
Stay close to meeeeeee...
Don't let me beee alone...
blah blah blah blaaaaaah blah blah....
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, um... Sideburns too.
So, SB... what's the dilly, yo? How are things?
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back for the month-long sabatical.
+2 because I get the same shit every day at work. -grumble-
Rock on Tom. Rock on.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns?
Hellooooo?
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post.. wow.. just.. awesome.
I'm speechless, I'm unable to speak.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the two, but where the fuck is everyone? I want to talk, damn it!!! Method, I know you're around...
Spooner?
Val Kilmer?
Anyone?
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, I fucking hate her. Have I mentioned that?
Anyway, good to see you too, Death Metal.
Hooray Beer!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-11 02:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
roffle