Adventures In Being A Klutz: How I Almost Got My Shit Ruined By The Secret Service (1424 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Klutz
Rating: 1.92 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2004-09-11 14:05:47 EDT
My phone rings while shitfaced at MiniCon at Dan's house. Picking it up without knowing the number was a mistake you shouldn't make whilst inebriated.
"DONKEY WANTS VAGINAL SEX!" I yell into the phone.
"Ummmm..... May I speak to Lee?" the female voice asks.
"You got him. Whaddaya need, cupcake?" Still unaware of who I am talking to.
"Well, Lee, this is <insert forgotten name here> from Vice President Cheney's office," she stated a little weary.
I sobered up quicker than the Pope before he puts on his funny hat.
"Uh, yeah?" Alright. Now I just sound like a big dumb moron.
"Someone has refered you to us to be a motor cade driver for the VP's trip to NH. Would you be interested in helping us out?" She seems kinda nervous, as if it was even worth posing the question.
"Hell yeah! I mean, of course. Time and place?" I ask, trying to sound professional.
"Wiggin's Airport. You will be briefed by the advance team and again by the Secret Service." She hung up.
*Fast forward about three days*
I'm standing in the terminal of Wiggin's Airport. Secret Service abound. I recognized a couple from various deployments and training exercises, which was kinda cool. Every one was looking around, and they were quizing me on the driving part of the job.
"No matter what, you must do this.." SS guy asks me.
"Follow the car ahead of you." I reply.
"Good. Here is a pin so people won't hassle you any more." He dug into his pocket and pulled out a little tin pin. It was orange with a big letter "A" in the middle. No idea what it meant, but I was happy to be left alone.
I walked out onto the tarmack to the rental car I was going to drive and found it had been opened up for the bomb squad to look through. All seemed to be going swimingly when another Secret Service Agent stopped me.
"Let me see your gun," he ordered.
"I think you have the wrong person. I'm only a driver," I say, believing that will be the end of it.
"Bullshit, let me have your gun," he stated again, seemingly agitated.
"I don't have one," I start to say, but before I get it out, I was bent over jail rape style over the open hood of my SUV. He frisked me, searching every where but where I kept my condom full of crystal meth.
He let me back up and talked into his sleeve. Soon after, the guy who gave me the pin came running out of a hanger with a pissed off look on his face.
"He doesn't have a weapon," the first SS guy said.
"Then why does he have an "A" badge?" Mr. Jump To Conclusions SS guy asked.
"Because that was the only pin I had left," SS Pin guy said.
"Well, then, nevermind," Jumpy SS guy said. Then he turned to me and offerd a gruff apology, acting if it was my fault I was wearing the pin.
"Does this mean I can go get my gun?" I inquire foolishly.
They both glare at me, visualy chastizing me for being a smartass.
"OK, OK. Point taken. No more jokes."
"Indeed." Then they both left, scurrying about to prepare for the VP.
Note to self: Do NOT make jokes about weapons to the Secret Service. It is not funny to them and they will ruin your shit if they have nothing better to do.
The rest of the event was boring until some guy phoned in a death threat. Everyone was running around and the SS was on high alert as we took an alternet route from the event site back to the airport.
When we safley arrived, I was granted a chance to meet the VP before he got back on Air Force 2. All the trouble was worth it, just to be able to say this.....
I am 5'8" and I am taller than the Vice President of the United States of America.
Weird.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-04 16:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-04 15:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-07 13:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"DONKEY WANTS VAGINAL SEX!" I yell into the phone.
And you still got the gig. Hehe. Republicans...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-10-07 13:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the "A" on the pin stands for "Awesome," and that's why they gave it to you.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am 5'7" and I am taller than the President of the United States of America.
BITCH!
And joking about guns with the Secret Service is usually only funny when you have a security clearance.
And now... to linkwhore:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30154
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless3 (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a point there. Hitler was good with kids.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Donitsu2002 <toolazytologin.com> at 2004-09-12 02:31:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-11 23:44:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-11 19:26:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife and son were taken backstage at a rally that Cheney spoke at two weeks ago. My kid, being a joker like his dad, started clowning with the SS guys, and to my wife's surprise, they started clowning back. Cheney actually gave him a Vice Presidential lapel pin, and an assload of campaign stickers.
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They say Hitler was very good with children.
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They say Kennedy was very good with children.
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They say Michael Jackson was good with children.
wait. what?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2004-09-12 05:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hitler was good with his niece
in the "pissing on his face" sense
Submitted by Donitsu2002 <toolazytologin.com> at 2004-09-12 02:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-11 23:44:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-11 19:26:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife and son were taken backstage at a rally that Cheney spoke at two weeks ago. My kid, being a joker like his dad, started clowning with the SS guys, and to my wife's surprise, they started clowning back. Cheney actually gave him a Vice Presidential lapel pin, and an assload of campaign stickers.
---------
They say Hitler was very good with children.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They say Kennedy was very good with children.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-11 23:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-11 19:26:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife and son were taken backstage at a rally that Cheney spoke at two weeks ago. My kid, being a joker like his dad, started clowning with the SS guys, and to my wife's surprise, they started clowning back. Cheney actually gave him a Vice Presidential lapel pin, and an assload of campaign stickers.
---------
They say Hitler was very good with children.
Submitted by Dick Cheney <vicepresident.at.whitehouse.gov> at 2004-09-11 22:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You will be terminated.
Submitted by melissa4 (user info) at 2004-09-11 22:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DonkeyOnTheEdge=Gold
Submitted by Degreeless2 (user info) at 2004-09-11 22:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-11 19:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife and son were taken backstage at a rally that Cheney spoke at two weeks ago. My kid, being a joker like his dad, started clowning with the SS guys, and to my wife's surprise, they started clowning back. Cheney actually gave him a Vice Presidential lapel pin, and an assload of campaign stickers. I guess we can sell the stickers on ebay in a few years. He also got Lynne Cheney to autograph his copy of her book.
One of the campaign workers is taking one of her Flat Stanleys (pardon the link, http://www.ubersite.com/m/44661) on tour with them.
On a separate occasion, my wife almost got stampeded by the White House press corps at a Bush speech.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-11 18:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm.... it's like the Scarlet Letter. Only orange.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-11 17:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think that this qualifies as anything klutzy, but +2 for joking about weapons to the secret service and not being shot immediately.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-09-11 17:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha what a bitch
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-09-11 17:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-11 16:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAH you rule
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-11 16:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are indeed a donkey on the edge. Haha vaginal sex...
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-09-11 15:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because of you the government is watching all of
us here at Ubersite....You should be shot!!!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real men don't want vaginal sex. Or so I've been told...
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff. What about the condom of meth? Stuck in the bung?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truth? Fiction? Who cares! Avals wants vaginal sex too!
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-11 14:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"DONKEY WANTS VAGINAL SEX!" I yell into the phone.
well why didn't ya say so?