Eyeless On Ubersite, And Other Matters (632 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.5 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ingsoc (View user info) at 2004-09-11 19:03:57 EDT
It's an awkward feeling drinking an iced cappuccino while taking a watery shit.
When I was banned on the fifteenth of the July (http://www.ubersite.com/m/35867), I was upset. To placate myself I wrote a bad 1984 rip-off that I never intended to post (and even if I wanted to, good luck doing that while banned). It portrays myself as being the invincible defender of truth and justice while Bart is a douchebag who is out to get me, and only me. Needless to say it made me feel better having written it. What can I say, other than enjoy the show and don't forget to wipe.
This vintage post is presented as representative of the time in which it was created and is presented for its historical value.
_______________________________________________
"Again."
A surge of pain swept through his body. Where the dial was at, he had no idea. He physically felt his brain ache- picturing in his mind innumerable words- it had to be close to negative two. As suddenly as it began, the pain receded.
"How many fingers, 2652?"
A hand was held up to his face. He was too shocked from the new level of pain to give any thought as to how he would respond.
"Go fuck yourself."
This time Bart did not have to give any sign to his subordinate. His head swelled, and though it was strapped into place, he could feel it spinning. He prayed that he would black out. This setting was too much. Not only were their too many words, there were no paragraphs. Vivid black on bright white was the only thing he could see. Though his eyes were closed, the words in his mind burned into them all the same. When the dial was pulled back and he opened his eyes, all he could see was black flying by over white. He could not make out any word of it, but he could be certain that whatever it was, it was pure orthodoxy. Marginal entertainment value, little mental stimulation, silent adherence to a common doctrine; this is what the others loved most. Positive twos where flying back and forth- mutually assured ratings. It was sickening to him.
"How many fingers?"
The hand was held up again. He could count them, but did he really want to? No matter what answer he gave, he was sure the pain would return. There wasn't much time left to think about it.
"I'll try again. How many fingers?"
"Were in your mom last night? OH! SNAP!"
It happened again.
"That was stupid, Ingsoc, stupid!"
"What do you expect from me? I'm out of juice."
"What you did was nothing short of retarded. You have contributed is nothing short of appalling. Perhaps you have had a shining moment, but you've negated it with all your antics under your other ID numbers. You have caused enough disruption for one lifetime. Consider this your final banishment."
Bart walked slowly to a computer at the far end of the room. For the first time Ingsoc got a grasp of his surroundings. He was in a large bright room with white walls, ceiling, and floor. He was strapped into a platform on the wall opposite to the computer. To his right were a number of dials with various settings, and to his left was a large, heavy door. There was, coming from a place he did not know, a low humming noise, like that of an air conditioner or enormous fan. The droning was rhythmic, and seemed to be amplified by the room's size. He could barely make out what Bart was doing on the computer. The thumping of fingers on keys made his eyes twist and his lips contort. His best inference was that he was checking the site. Suddenly his bonds loosened and Ingsoc fell to the floor. He found himself gasping for air, as if falling were a strenuous exercise.
"Up."
He did as he was told, with amazing difficulty. Bart's white-coated assistant pushed him forward with what was either a steel truncheon or an engorged penis. He prayed for the former. He was led beside Bart to the computer.
"Do you remember this, Ingsoc?"
Bart motioned for him to sit in the grey swivel chair at the computer.
"Read."
Ingsoc began to read. It was Donovan's Dr. Seuss post, but every once in a while a word was changed so as not to make the plagiarism overt. Any user who had read the original could see right through this, and the reviews were not polite.
"I remember this. I thought this was gone forever!"
He paused.
"You deleted this."
"You were being a shit."
"You can't delete something just because you don't like it!"
"I wasn't the only one who didn't like it. Besides, even if it were around today, no one would be stupid enough to stumble upon message 13005. No one would be stupid enough to stumble upon fuck_DDT or his reviews."
"Only because you deleted all but one."
"They would have other valid reasons. Look at the screen again."
Ingsoc saw the post. Message 13005. Bart hit the Refresh button.
As far as he was concerned, there was no message 13005.
"Oh, fuck, YOU!"
"This can happen with anything. In case you haven't noticed, Übersite is not a free forum. It is free in the sense that it costs the user nothing, but not free in the sense that ideas, or in your case ignorance, can be dispersed without consequence. Anything can be deleted. Anything will be deleted."
"Shit like this is posted every day and you do nothing about it. Why is that?"
"Your brand of shit is partially unique. Many users will come and go- post one thing, a huge or disgusting picture, and leave. Others will come, post shit, and perhaps win over the rest of the site once in a while because of a common interest. That, or they wise up and contribute something worthwhile. 877 was a decent example."
Bart lowered his glasses on the bridge of his nose, resettled his eyes in contact with Ingsoc's, and continued speaking.
"You, on the other hand, are neither of these. You unite no one. You are here only for your own amusement, and that works in such a way that no one else can be amused with you. You are a stain that must be wiped out. When finally you surrender to us, it must be of your own free will. We make the brain perfect before we blow it out."
He broke eye contact, and looked around almost wistfully.
"I'm just sick of dealing with you. You contribute nothing and cause me to have to spend time cleaning up your shit."
He raised a finger to his assistant in the white coat.
"Please don't come back to the site."
A needle jerked into Ingsoc's arm. He sank almost instantly into a deep sleep.
_______________________________________________
All good things must come to an end, and so must rubbish like this- but not without the lyrics from Hungry Like The Wolf as they appear on my Rio LP! I tried to do the wacky spacing, but that won't show up.
Darken the city night is a wire
Steam in the subway earth is afire
Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo
Woman you want me give me a sign
And catch my breathing even closer behind
Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo
In touch with the ground
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Smell like I sound I'm lost in a crowd.
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Straddle the line in discord and rhyme
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Stalked in the forest too close to hide
I'll be upon you by the moonlight side
Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo
High blood drumming on your skin it's so tight
You feel my heart I'm just a moment behind
Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo
In touch with the ground
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Scent and a sound. I'm lost and I'm found
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Strut on a line it's discord and rhyme
I howl and I whine I'm after you
Mouth is alive all running inside
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Hungry like the wolf
Hungry like the wolf
Hungry like the wolf
Burning the ground I break from the crowd
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
I smell like I sound. I'm lost and I'm found
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Strut on a line it's discord and rhyme
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
I get shit on for liking Duran Duran. I honestly can't figure out why.
User Reviews
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-10-03 03:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
amazing.
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendid work! +2
Submitted by Hammertime (user info) at 2004-09-12 13:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This gets my second highest ranking ever, +2!
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 03:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what didja get banned for? huh? huh?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-11 20:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF I'm not reading all of that.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-09-11 20:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Indeed. What a big silly he can be!
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-11 20:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And thats why I try to not piss off bart...
because if you do piss off bart, he can take your post and shove it back up your Hello!!! :D
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-09-11 19:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. What were your other alters? Were you Christ?