"I think we broke him..." (1630 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.83 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-12 08:49:25 EDT
My brother was born when I was four and my sister was two. We hated him pretty much right away. It had a little to do with that fact that he was the boy our parents had longed for, a little to do with the fact that we were left with my Aunt while he was born (my Aunt's idea of entertaining children was to let us sit very quietly in the living room and watch "The Stories" with her), and a whole heaping shitload to do with the fact that he was just a very ugly, loud baby.
By the time he was four, our hatred had festered into... well, still hatred, but of the festering kind. We tried very, very hard to teach him to be a more likeable child. We treated him to long afternoons locked in the garden shed while we yelled through the door to "Watch out for the rats!" We tried SO hard with that boy. We hid his teddy bear for a week to teach him to be less of a baby. We sprinkled pepper in his underwear to teach him... well, that wasn't to teach him anything. That was just for fun.
He went through a phase of having an imaginary friend. He would write very laborious, long letters to his friend (Hercules - go figure) and seal them into a jar which he'd bury in the backyard. We probably crossed the line when we discovered them and started writing back.
"Dear Herc my sisters are mean to me they hate me I want them to stop please make them stop"
"Dear Tom - your sisters are smarter than you and I don't like you anymore."
We outsmarted ourselves one afternoon. We were playing in the tree house on a summer's day and Tom wanted to come up. We pushed the ladder down so he couldn't.
We pushed the ladder down.
Onto the ground.
Stranding ourselves in the tree house.
On a day that topped 40C in the shade.
To our credit, we realized our stupidity rather quickly. We called down to Tom and asked him to go inside and get Dad. He stared at us, and slowly shook his head. He started to smile.
We threatened him with death if he didn't go and get Dad. He wandered inside and we waited anxiously for rescue. When he returned, ten minutes later, he had a glass of water. What he DIDN'T have was Dad. He drank that water with every appearance of enjoyment, right there under the tree where we could see him.
Three hours, the little shit left us up there. We were beaten, and we knew it. When Dad finally made an appearance and restored the ladder, we said not a word about how long we'd been up there. We knew enough to know when we'd lost.
My brother is 6'7" now. He's built like a brick shithouse. And he's still afraid of the dark. We achieved that much, at least.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sigh
I miss Circe
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, sibling relations. The justification for more therapists per capita than any other cause.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-19 18:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you and your brother being as tall as me.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I'm going to stop rating your old posts now.
No, sorry, that's a lie.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-11-02 10:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stanczyk (user info) at 2004-09-25 09:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As a hated little brother, I object to your use of the epithet "little shit," as it bears a long history of unjust opression, and usually preceded my being force-fed pepper corns.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-15 16:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since you won't let me use your body in shameless and inventive ways, I'll use your post for shameless linkwhoring: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36038
There is my story of how I killed my sisters. Oh, and your story was cute too.
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"On a day that topped 40C in the shade."
From http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=40+C+in+F&btnG=Search :
"40 degrees Celsius = 104 degrees Fahrenheit"
...Just in case someone was wondering...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sketch - I didn't draw it. It came up when I did a google search for 'afraid of the dark'.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that picture looks like a cheap plagiarism of bill watterson.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a horrible, horrible person.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perfet uber submission
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-13 11:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-13 11:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My enjoyment of you writing had turned to enjoyment... of the festering kind.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-13 11:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear for my daughter's future siblings now...
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-13 08:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! I grew up the only male in a family with 3 older sisters...and for the first decade of my existence, they pretty much treated me exactly like you treated poor Tom. In fact, I mysteriously fell out of my playpen and broke my leg at the tender age of two. To this day...all three deny having any involvement (though they all still giggle like schoolgirls whenever the incident is brought up). Damn She-Devils!
In any event, thanks for bringing back such painful memories! :) Nice story. You are easily one of the most consistent writers on this site. And I appreciate that.
Submitted by funk_boy <funkster_boy.at.yahoo.co.uk> at 2004-09-13 05:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-12 23:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great. Per usual.
Submitted by finfan3 (user info) at 2004-09-12 20:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, sweet victory!! That's wicked funny. You rock!
Submitted by Rob at 2004-09-12 19:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some might say what you did to your brother was wrong. Some might say it was hilarious. I say hilariously wrong.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent - the part about sending letters to hercules made me laugh out loud
glad he got his revenge too.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a considerable age gap with my two sisters. They used to torture the hell out of me.
So +2 for the good story and for your little bro.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a sister.
Fortunately she is younger.
Females are fucking EVIL.
But I liked it.
-Davros
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're an awesome writer.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll bet that was very demoralizing. Circe, what's your AIM screenname? I promise not to use it for evil. You can even email it to me if you don't want to post it on Ubersite. Have fun in Holland (I really do think that the US has the market cornered on phallic symbols, unless the one in Holland is an actual statue of a phallus. In that case, I am mightily smitten with a case of phallic symbol envy.).
Submitted by the Cea at 2004-09-12 13:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for big brothers
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-12 13:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-12 13:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Circe- Is a +1 considered a "low rating"?
Maybe if you blew me things would get better.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-12 12:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 12:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-12 12:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So THATS what a penis looks like.
Seems painful.
Thank god I'm still a virgin!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 12:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Corn Nugget, it's a big white penis.
There's nothing wrong with penii dotting the landscape.
Submitted by deadSurfer (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 for reading my shit. Thanks
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, it's a... um... arrow pointing to god!
Yes, of course that is what it is!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:35:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
isn't there a monument in Washington, America, that more closely resembles such a thing?
_____________
Yeah, that was something else I noticed about Holland. The sense of humour is unreliable. "Haha, he fell down and hit his head" is funny. "Haha, a pigeon crapped on your phallic symbol" is, apparently, not.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahaha, no time to get back on this subject again.
Quote me: Americans are pure.
but if it isn't a cock, what is it? a pen? a Petrified Lava-Lamp? A big-ass spear, on which you throw infidels?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The monument in Washington is not a phalic symbol...!!!
AMERICANS ARE GOOD AND PURE!
ahem
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe - Add me to your list. Username: theawkster.
I can't believe some fucker had already taken "Awko".
I'll fire it up another time, gonna try and get some precious sleep before I have to be up in 5 hours.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
isn't there a monument in Washington, America, that more closely resembles such a thing?
oh, if you're going to Amsterdam again, check out the little purple poles on the side of the road, the weapon of the city's XXX. people from Amsterdam are all horny, all the time, if you ask me. Which is jsut plain icky, because my uncle lives there. enough now.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and now you made me afraid of the dark as well
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ICO - my fiance lives in Holland. I'm going there on Thursday. And it's far more than just a patch of grass and windmills.
You also have cheese. And, uhm... canals. And a lot of Dutch people. And the biggest phallic symbol I've ever seen in Dam square.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah! Autralia rocks. never been there, but your tv-mode is PAL, just like ours, so that msut mean the country's great too.
I'm from Holland by the way, a small patch of grass and windmills near the ocean. And legalised drugs. Well, some.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hatred of the festering kind- That was my favorite line.
Good job on breaking your brother in! Life is rough, the sooner he figures it out- the better!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ICO - Australia. That big desert-like place with beaches and beer.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My big sister once dressed me up like a girl, complete with a black fetching dress and clip-on earrings. She called me Rudina (my actual name being Ruud), and paraded me in front of my dad. 12 years later, he still doubts my affinity for women, and my non-affinity for being a woman.
By the way, what country are you from? Couldn't help noticing 40 degrees Centigrade instead of the Fahrenheit system.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awko - HA! Brilliant. You just made my day. Remind me to email you all my HR Giger pics sometime; they'll keep you awake for WEEKS.
Oh, and turn AIM on; I'm bored.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-12 11:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe - Thank you very fucking much. I spent ages trying to find the wall and now that I have, I'm not gonna be able to stop looking at that goddamn picture. I close my eyes and those eyes, teeth, claws, slime and wall are all I can see.
I'm not sleeping tonight.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
I was the youngest... My brothers teased me a lot. But now they're rather protective of me, because I'm the youngest and the only girl. It's kinda nice to know that they'll beat up anyone who gives me too much hassle. Thankfully I've never had to call on that though.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awko - I know. I stared at that pic for about an hour earlier. (Way too much coffee, I think.) If you look off to the side a little, you can see the wall behind him.
Mike - Thank you. And, yeah, we were a lot nicer to the snot nosed brat after that.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny. Pwned by a four year old.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story.
And is it just me or are the colours on that picture fading in and out slightly?
Maybe I should crack open a window or get some sleep or something.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass, madam.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-12 10:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My only regret is that I didn't discover your writing until just a little while ago.
You are interesting to read and fabulously descriptive. I enjoyed this story immensly because I too have a little brother.
You got owned. Payback is a bitch. Even at a young age we realize this.
Nice job.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-12 09:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy, you give me low ratings no matter WHAT I write. And if I ever stoop to having to write about my tits on Uber, I'll have shot myself before I hit submit.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-12 09:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You write fairly well...but this story was boring.
Throw some more tits and ass into your next one...preferrably your own.
Thanks...from Shlongy.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-09-12 09:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by deadSurfer (user info) at 2004-09-12 09:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment