Never Seduce At The Office Party (1547 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.6 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Martyn Steiner (View user info) at 2004-09-12 16:46:29 EDT
Now this was not your ordinary staff party. Oh no, this was a staff party with no staff. In fact, it wasn't a party.
It was the third year that Desmond the Aardvark had been employed by PMI computer systems and the staff parties were getting tedious. Which wasn't much of a problem, because the staff party wasn't a party and there weren't any staff there. And besides, Desmond the Aardvark didn't work for PMI computer systems because he was an Aardvark. And Aardvarks have some ridiculous Amish-esque aversion to computers. I don't really understand the theology of it, but they essentially shun modern life - most Aardvarks don't even own an oven or 1968 Ford GT40.
He'd spent the past two hours at the staff party trying to avoid the sexual advances of Princess Diana, who is dead, and was really beginning to look forward to the long drive home to January. He could almost feel his wife's fine Italian cuisine on his taste buds, bursting with flavour and bitter to the touch. This was an odd thing for Desmond, because he was an Aardvark and as a general rule Aardvarks don't have wives. Unless they're married to a woman from Texas, in which case the Aardvark would legally have a wife. Like that man who married a mare, only with a woman. And an Aardvark.
Desmond the Aardvark watched the minute hand of the office caress the number twelve and sighed. Not because of the time, because Aardvarks can't tell the time, but because he had failed to win Princess Diana's affections for the third year in a row. Hanging his head, Desmond picked up his coat from the chair by the door and slinked away from the staff party. Which had no staff, and wasn't a party.
One day, he knew, his time would come. One day Desmond would fulfil his potential and break into the world of glamour modelling. Until that day, he would have to make do with eating small invertebrates and having a long nose.
User Reviews
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-11-14 09:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Its his Northern accent.
Submitted by Wynny at 2004-10-04 17:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is the Aardvark saying 'anway'? Is that because they don't have a huge vocab and tend to get things wrong when trying to sound intellectual? Get out of my belly button.
I love you Martyn, like blueberry pie.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-09-29 20:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One good whore deserves another: http://www.ubersite.com/m/46528
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-09-29 17:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not a jew...
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you suck jew boy
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-13 12:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This didn't strike me as being all that amusing.
Being random is easy. Being random and entertaining is an art form.
Just ask Monty Python.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should pursue a career in chidren's books.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-09-13 07:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oddly good
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-13 03:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, richard, nice.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know WTF this is about, but it made me laugh. Nice.
Submitted by mymomthinksimcool (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
after reading this, im not sure if i should laugh or masturbate
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aardvarks who poop are always funny.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What you have just said arouses me greatly.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And Aardvarks have some ridiculous Amish-esque aversion to computers.
Sweet
Submitted by ZeroSignal (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't understand a word of this.
Submitted by Plap (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this kind of surrealist style of writing. It kind of reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut. Anyways thumbs up.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my kind of style you crazy fuck. If you post about aardvarks I am literally supposed to hate you, but your aversion to general randomness has me in a tizzy.
I'm keeping my eye on you queer.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-12 16:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves a big WHAT THE FUCK?!
Weird. And freaky. And goddamn weird. Regardless, or probably because of this, I liked it.