Joe Pesci's Bedtime Stories - Snow White (3567 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2004-09-12 17:28:20 EDT
Awright.
You all tucked in? Nice and fuckin snug? Got your little teddy there, that thing looks fuckin diseased kid, and your glass of water, and your dog with a hard-on night-light-- What? That's a fire hydrant? Well I just thought he had a big red dick, you know?
Okay, so here's a story. And you're only gettin one, so shut up and listen good.
Book? What the fuck do I need the fuckin book for? I got it all right up here, kid.
Ah, let's see. How's about Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs?
What? Okay, Dwarrrvvves. You fucking happy now?
Okay. So this broad Snow White is hated by her step-mother, or the Queen, or some cunt who--
What's it mean? Well, that's a lady who's really not too nice, you know? In fact, she ain't no fuckin lady.
Whitey is this nice girl. She gots a spotless rep, and that's why they call her Snow fuckin White. Course, I think any broad's gonna have skeletons in the closet, I mean, come on, what the fuck, women are women, right? I mean, even Mother Teresa looked a little haggard at the end there. You know that she probably pulled a few trains in her time, yeah, the Calcutta Express! You don't think that's funny? What do you fuckin know? Shut up and listen.
So anyways, Whitey is kinda stupid, you know what girls are like, and she'll put anything in her mouth if axed nicely, so that's how she gets fed this here poison apple.
So Queen Cunty thinks she's gotten rid of Snow White, cause maybe she's gonna get her trust fund or someting. No, I'm not gonna explain every little fuckin thing! Just shut up and listen.
Anyhow Whitey wanders off into the woods before dropping into a coma faster 'n fuckin Sunny van Bulow. But she gets lucky, see, cause there's these fuckin dwarrrvvves livin out in the woods. No fuckin taxis or takeout pizza or payphones. We're talkin fuckin primitives! Now these dwarrrvvves, they all get some wood of their own when they see this babe, I mean, she's fuckin hot stuff!
So they take her to their cottage and peek under her skirt and jump up and down all fuckin excited and they figure if they take care of her, maybe she'll come out of the coma and do them all a few favors, you know? Cause these guys have blue-balls so bad they can hardly fuckin walk, and it's pissin them off.
Well, time goes by, and the dwarves take care of Snow White, and of course you gotta know every once in a while one of them wants to play around with her, I mean, she's still warm and breathing, but she can't talk back so what's not to love?
But this one fuckin hardass dwarve always--
Well what the fuck? Dwarfs or dwarrrvvve? Fuck it. Shut up and go to sleep!
So anyhow this one fuckin guy called Grumpy sorta stands watch and makes all the other dwarrrvvves keep their tiny little peckers in their pants, and all is just fuckin beautiful until one day Prince Charming shows up.
Now, how people couldn't see this fancy prick was a fuckin latent homo the moment he hit town is something I'll never understand. He wore fuckin tights and a frilly shirt and had this skinny little sword like for makin shishkabobs. But I guess he was a real prince because when he found Snow White he kissed her and she woke up just like that. Of course, before he kissed her he rolled her over and flipped up her skirt and fucked her in the ass a little, and this drove all the dwarrrvvves outta their fuckin skulls cause they'd been dying for a crack at that crack so to speak and now they had to watch Prince Fag pumping away and probably thinkin of the stable boy!
So they rush out of the woods just as Snow White sits up and wonders why she's sitting in a wet spot and they grab the Prince and fuckin tear him to pieces right there. I think they eventually ate him or something.
And Whitely is so grateful that she gives all the little heros suck-jobs right on the spot. Which is nothin for her. I mean, their hard-on's were so fuckin small she could take them up the nose if she had to, and all those little loads, even Grumpy's, weren't even close to the size of the warm froth she'd woken up in.
And so Snow White and the dwarrrvvves stayed together and the dwarrrvvves killed and ripped apart and ate anyone who tried fuckin with their woman, and Whitey had all kinds of babies of every size and Queen Cunty eventually died from toxic shock cause tampons were still in the experimental stages way back then, and the Mormons loved the story so much they figured if Whitey could have seven husbands then why in the fuck can't a guy have seven wives, although why the fuck you'd start walking across that mine field is way beyond anything I can figure out, and they all lived happily ever after.
Aww, look at that. Fast asleep. That's fuckin sweet.
Night, kiddo.
[I just wrote this on the fly in the submit window, so please excuse any typos.]
User Reviews
Submitted by Geophillyx (user info) at 2007-07-07 08:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VERY NICE
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-07-07 04:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-07-06 23:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't see this before. Thanks for the link!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-06-11 16:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-11 16:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This?...THIS is abso-fuckin'-lutely brilliant. A real piece of fucking art - ya know? I just read this shit out-loud and giggled my ass off.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-16 22:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-02-26 18:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-02-26 16:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-31 14:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still one of my favorites.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-23 10:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always enjoyed this one.
Back when Jack was funny and interesting.
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2006-11-23 10:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Which is nothin for her. I mean, their hard-on's were so fuckin small she could take them up the nose if she had to..."
Nice
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-23 05:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never read this until now. First rate. I'm giving you a gold star for the day.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-04 18:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to counter that idiot two below
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-06-12 17:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to counter that idiot below.
This is one of the classics.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-06-12 16:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-06-05 22:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish I was around for this one.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-02 10:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88684
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-03-24 21:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's beautiful.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-03-24 20:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin bosh
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-03-24 20:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's it mean? Well, that's a lady who's really not too nice, you know? In fact, she ain't no fuckin lady.
==========
AND another.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-03-24 20:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:36:48 (#)
Ranking: -1
WTF?? I'm not reading all that!
===============
You. CUNT!!!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 20:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs more hits.
If I ever do a "Best of Uber" post, this will be in it.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-24 19:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I either remember reading it here, or somewhere. NO OFFENCE.
Submitted by ferret (user info) at 2006-03-24 19:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There could be more swearing, but other than that good.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 19:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is more like it...why are you boring me with this other shitbox stuff in 2006?
Bring back the old Jack McCallum...the one that was humorous before cats, bitterness and senility took over his life.
It's probably too late...eh?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-24 14:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-24 14:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking god that was funny.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-24 14:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-21 17:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-08-22 00:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahahahhaha.
moda-fucker!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-22 00:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How the fuck did I miss this?
Submitted by Divinity (user info) at 2005-08-22 00:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-22 00:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you and your ability to 'whip out' greatness.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-22 00:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-22 00:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or is it linkwhore? I can never get my ho's straight.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-31 13:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage repair...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2004-11-15 14:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-13 11:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-13 10:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:09:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you sit at the computer, doing the little Joe Pesci nuances to yourself while you were writing this?
Excellent. No need to wish you luck in UM.
--
If I did, would I be fuckin stupid enough to admit it in a PUBLIC FUCKIN FORUM? YOU FUCK!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-13 09:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you sit at the computer, doing the little Joe Pesci nuances to yourself while you were writing this?
Excellent. No need to wish you luck in UM.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-13 08:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too good.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-09-13 08:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-13 04:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know that she probably pulled a few trains in her time, yeah, the Calcutta Express!"
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-13 04:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-13 04:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just like the +2 says: Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-09-13 04:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done! And funny.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-13 03:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Well done.
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2004-09-12 23:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like stories
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WTF?? I'm not reading all that!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ya know, I read that over and I was thinking, and I'm sure the idea might have drifted into some people's minds also so I feel that the chant should start:
B@W!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I get that on CD? It would go great next to "Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You" in my collection.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool stuff
Submitted by melissa4 (user info) at 2004-09-12 21:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loves it.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-12 20:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brutal.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi-fucking-larious
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucken great. I wish I'd thought of this.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, but then, what does that say about me...hmmm
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this tickled me
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pwned.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is disturbing on oh so many levels
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-12 18:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:32:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Italian mob jokes = -2
---------------------------
Yes, posting pictures of asses is far, far more sophisticated. What is happening to this site?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:32:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Italian mob jokes = -2
--
Sure beats writing about cereal or laundry, asswipe.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Domenad, I saw that, and it was hilarious.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this supposed to be funny? Like a clown? It's supposed to fuckin' amuse me? Well it did, ya fuck.
I'm not one to plug my posts, but you might enjoy this old one of mine: http://www.ubersite.com/m/34409
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Italian mob jokes = -2
Submitted by deadSurfer (user info) at 2004-09-12 17:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny...
like a clown