Grand Theft Auto, Todd-style (906 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ikebomber (View user info) at 2004-09-13 00:50:23 EDT
This is the story of the greatest thing ever done.
When I was in high school, I knew this guy named Todd. When you hear that someone's named Todd, you usually think of a skinny, boring kid with a lisp. If you said that to him when you met him, he would have made it his mission in life to fuck your sister, and he would have succeeded. Todd was the ballsiest, craziest, slyest kid in school, and everbody loved him. If Ferris Bueller got in drunken fistfights with passing truck drivers, he'd be Todd. This is the sort of person I'm proud to call my friend.
One day, senior year, when we're both 17, he drops by in his beat up 92 Accord.
He looks at me with stoned eyes. "I have an idea. Let's go."
"What? There's this party and I—"
"Fuck it. Do you realize this is practically our last chance to do something grossly illegal without getting in real trouble?"
"I thought we handled that last week with the pile of exploded frogs in mayor's office. No?"
"No. We could have done that in 3rd grade. Stop being such a faggot and get in the car."
"Fine." He's hard to say no to. Ask your sister.
"Step one," he says, "is to get hammered. You have any money?"
A 12-pack later, we're racing down I-480, and it occurs to me to wonder what we're actually doing at 11 o'clock at night in the middle of what appears to be nowhere.
"What the fuck are we doing?"
"We're going to steal a car."
"WHAT?"
"What did I tell you about being a faggot?"
Some background: Todd works part time for a fancy landscaping company that molds the front lawns of people who are either too rich or too lazy to hedge their own yards. The job, despite all of his wild stories to the contrary, has yet to get him laid by a bored MILF who seduces him when he knocks on the door to ask for a glass of water. (And it never will: he eventually called me at college to tell me he'd gotten fired for planting explosives in a lawn.) That's why he has the job, at least.
He explains, in the most disjointed and indirect manner possible, that the plan is to secretly borrow a beautiful but unspecified car from one of these houses, since he knows they're out of town and have no real security. The key is hanging in the garage, the stupid fucks.
"They're on vacation," he says. "And don't worry; we'll bring it back."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"Have another beer then." He puts a fresh one into the cup holder.
When we get to Shaker Heights, we drop off the car in some random driveway and stumble down the street. Todd jumps a fence and I wait outside the iron gate holding the next 12-pack until it opens up.
A shiny yellow Lamborghini Diablo drives out. It's gorgeous.
"Get in," says Todd. As if I wasn't going to get in.
We take off. Todd and I switch drivers at every piss break. I can't even begin to describe how fun it is to shift a Diablo into 6th gear on an empty highway and realize you're going 140 MPH. Especially for a poor kid from Lorain County, Ohio. Especially after 6 beers.
"Dammit, I have to pee again."
We arrive at Cleveland's Flats, where all the clubs are. We cruise around for a while, until we see two hot girls, obviously half-drunk, dressed in clubbing outfits, walking alone down the sidewalk.
"Hey cuties!" Todd yells. "Want to go for a ride in my rocket?"
They look at the car. They look at each other. They get in.
Now, there's not a lot of room in a Diablo. It's not meant for family vacations. It's not meant to be a tour bus. It's not meant for two random teenagers to pick up college girls with. But we fit them, mostly on my lap.
We get out onto a deserted highway, speeding like crazy and drinking cheap beer. We alternately listen to my loud Local H CD and the silent radar detector. The cops are nowhere to be found.
"Go faster!" says hot chick #1, clearly caught up in the moment. She's a freshman at John Carroll University. ("I want to study at least some art history". Yeah, I'm studying at least 34 D). Todd starts to oblige with the gas pedal, but I tell him to hold on.
He glares at me. "What did I say about being a—"
"Ok, here's the deal," I hear myself interrupt, looking at the girls. "For every 5 miles per hour that we go, we get one article of clothing from each of you."
Todd grins; the girls giggle. The clothes came off tin roofs in hurricane Ivan. Tits flop in ways I've never seen tits flop before.
So here we are, piss-drunk, driving a stolen Lamborghini at 170 with two stark naked hotties. It's the greatest moment of my life.
The cleanup is easy: after parking, we each pick a chick and a side of the car. I get the hood through rock-paper-scissors and have my way with hot chick #2. We take them home and drop off the car. We drive home in the amazingly slow Accord and never hear from the owners, the girls, or any form of authority on the matter again.
I only wish we'd had a camera.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times eh
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-30 10:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This really does kick ass.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-13 12:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd give it...
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-13 12:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...a 1.5
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-13 10:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post-whore only because I have an EXTREMELY similar story.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39765
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-13 03:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30325
Ignore the title, I still think it's ok. I just had a bit of a problem with the "I'm so fucking awesome, haha" feel. Hence the +1.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2004-09-13 03:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No one leaves the key to a lamborghini just "hanging there"
shenani flanni gannigans
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2004-09-13 02:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no camera?!
NEXT time then, ok
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-09-13 02:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope this is true cause if it is....YOU RULE
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-09-13 01:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That still fucking rules.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-13 01:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story.... if only.....
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-13 00:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, but.... No killing of police officers?