Shitting will never be the same again. (1163 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.58 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CUNTER-STRIKE (View user info) at 2004-09-13 14:19:55 EDT
First off, I'd like to start off and say, I've been silent on Uber for a long time. I come here everyday, but i never post anything, and rarely comment.
But today, today i must tell you all a story of my own. It all happened when i had to get knee surgery, i done gone and hurted muh knee, so i had to get some stuff done to it. But when i went for surgery, they put me to sleep, and numbed my ankle, not my knee. So when i woke up, i was in EXTREME pain, screaming and yelling, and yes, i teared a little bit too. So to calm me down and make me feel better, my doctors pumped me full of morphine, and i was fine. Now, the problem with morphine is, that in large doses it gives you constipation. Very badly.
I went home the day after my surgery, and for NINE whole days and NINE whole nights, i never took a shit. I ate less than normal, but whatever went in, never went out. Until the tenth day, when my mother said, if i dont go soon, then the doctors will have to stick a rod up my ass and get the shit out THEIR way. So i went to the bathroom, with my crutches and all, pulled down my pants, and sat down.
Ahh, how i regrett doing that.
Sitting down in itself was a challenge, as i couldnt bend my knee, so i had to use one of those rises old people use, with handles so i dont fall off mid-shit. So after properly balancing myself, i muster up some strength in my bowels, and try pushing.
nothing.
so i keep trying, and trying, and i start feeling some movement, i felt like an anaconda was sticking its head out of my sphincter. Oh the agony. So i keep pushing, and eventually the little head gets under the water, but the poo-rope hasnt broken. Its one long ass piece of black shit, long so long, for twenty minutes i push and push, like i was birthing an anaconda from my ass. Being that i havent dropped a deuce in nine days, this shit was dryer than a rock, so it was like birthing a granite anaconda. All of a sudden, it gets easy, the shit comes out normally, hey, better than normal, its like someone was pulling at the shit, thats how easy it was, oh, and by the way it was still ONE shit-rope. I look down, and shit seems to be red now, and a little less black/green. Fuck. I'm being ass-raped by own shit. Well there was nothing i could do, so i just keep pushing, and it all comes out. I lost 10 pounds that day.
But the smell, oh the smell of shit fermenting in my bowels of fury for nine days straight was a force to be reckoned with it wasnt going to go down easy. All the Glade Plug-In's in the world couldnt save this bathroom from a odor so powerful it burned my eyebrows. We had to call in Haz-Mat team to dispose of my shit, because it wouldnt go down the toilet.
Well its safe to say that i've never had any trouble shitting since then. Now it all comes out smooth as soft ice-cream.
I Anally Raped myself.
Atleast its better than letting some doctor jam something up my ass... or is it?
User Reviews
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-13 16:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by indepth25 (user info) at 2004-09-13 16:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO, that was so wrong and funny
Submitted by LUE (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus-fucking-two, said the lizard
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Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
article:
+2 if you are a mentally-disabled infant.
The cartoon:
+23935.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ARH (user info) at 2004-09-13 15:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny ass cartoon. the rest isn't as funny granted its funny just not as much
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yuck, but funny.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-13 14:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get ready for a lifetime of hemorrhoids my friend. You don't bleed that much and not get the permanent itchies.
Submitted by Scrwy at 2004-09-13 14:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the granite anaconda
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw what hcp typed dude. Nice story, the cartoon was even better!
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't know what was wrong with that last guy, this was pretty funny.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-09-13 14:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
First off, I'd like to start off and say, I've been silent on Uber for a long time. I come here everyday, but i never post anything, and rarely comment.
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There is obviously a good reason for that.