I should wear a helmet (930 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.89 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hamilton gianthead69.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2004-09-13 20:46:10 EDT
Over my life, I've done many stupid things. I've actually developed a formula.
A x 5 = ST
'A' Stands for age, and 'ST' stands for stupid things. If that formula looks simple to you, go to hell. I hit my head.
So the older I get, the dumber I get. Actually, that isn't true. I'm booksmarter now, just not smarter. Here's a nice list of the things I've done in the last year.
1. (See Diagram) I was staying over at a friends house. I was standing on the staircase jabbing him with a pole. Out of nowhere, he grabbed the pole and yanked it as hard as he could, probably to disarm me. Unfortunately, I had a death grip on it. And my friend was strong. I came flying headfirst off the stairs. Right into the support column on a bunk-bed. Imagine running as fast as you can, then tackling a large pole with your forehead. And I don't mean grapple-tackle. I mean in the air football tackle. Somehow, I was still standing, and I staggered off towards the kitchen. And in good fashion, I stood on his skateboard. That noise was enough, his parents came down and found a dent in the bunk bed, me with blood coming down my face unable to remember my name, and a skateboard through the dry-wall.
2. Me and a couple more friends were walking around, killing time. We decided to walk through a playground. You know those things that you can bounce on (picture included. number 2)? I found an extra large one and had a brilliant idea.
"I'm gonna drop-kick it" I proudly announced.
"Wow, you're going to kick it. Don't hurt yourself."
"No, I'm going to DROP-kick it"
"Oh. That's gonna hurt."
I lined myself up sideways to it. I stared my enemy at the side of it's cheap green dinosaur head.
"BANZAI!"
I jumped perfectly. Landed both feet perfectly. I was expecting to slide off it. The fact that these are designed to bounce back opposite to the applying pressure never occured to me. The fact that they had replaced the nice soft gravel with splintery wood-chips had escaped my mind as well. I stood up and dusted off my shirt.
"That was pretty fun"
"Uh... James?"
"What"
They only pointed. My elbows and surrounding area had been pincushioned and were now covered in blood.
"Fuck!"
3. Now, I like to consider myself fairly creative. So when I learned that the hot-dog suit that i had rented for Halloween had another week on it, I decided to use it.
The plan: I would non-chalantly walk up to a busy street corner during a red light, in my hot-dog suit. When everyone was good and watching, a friend would come out of nowhere, tackle me, and start beating on me. The suit provided body armour like protection to everywhere but the face and shins. So if they just worked the body, I'd barely feel anything. The fourth time we tried this, A different guy was chosen to tackle me. I was standing next to a car, waving like a moron at the occupants. I saw him coming, and braced myself to hit the ground.
I didn't brace myself to brake a rear view mirror off with my face and nose. That moron had tackled me at the wrong angle. Imagine the power that is required to simply knock off a rearview mirror. I can tell you that it exceeds the "Nose-breaking" setting.
"WHAT... THE... FUCK!" A huge black guy threw his door open, and began walking to our side of his car. This guy made Shaq look like Erkel.
Imagine if you will, a giant hot-dog running down the street, being chased by a ghetto-stylin' Goliath. I managed to outrun him. Strangely, the rental company never inquired about the blood on the suit.
4. Cue to three months ago. We have a plan so brilliant that it must go wrong. I will circle my bike around my porch, until I get enough speed to go off the ramp on the steps.
The porch is four and a half feet high. The ramp adds two feet. Add the air I get, and I'm eight feet in the sky. Once I'm in the air, I feel complete euphoria. Then I come down on top of my neighbors car, and bounce onto the road.
The count:
One wrecked bike
One wrecked top of car
One broken arm.
One sprained ankle.
Magically getting away with it by hiding everything quickly, blaming the car on vandals, and saying that I fell down the fire escape.
5. Dundurn street hill. This is a massive hill that spans the top part of dundurn road. It is about fifteen blocks long from the start of the hill, and quite steep.
So where better to skateboard, bike, and rollerblade?
Everybody got hurt during this. It was an expected fact. Only one of us beat the shit out of someone's garden. I'm lying down on a skateboard, 'luging' if you will. I turn to get on the sidewalk. Some inconsiderate bastard is walking on it. If I hit them, their shin will be shattered.
Yeah, I was going pretty fast.
I do the only responsible thing, and get out of their way. I hit a patch of lawn, get whipped through the air by two houses, and go through somebodies hedge. I landed in a very pretty garden, and left more than half of it wrecked. You know those cartoons where people run through walls and leave perfect imprints of themselves? That was the hedge. I hit that thing at about 30 km per hour. I skidded through the garden, coming to a rest after about five feet of sliding, leaving a nice trail of death behind me.
Surprisingly, no injuries from this one.
Except for number one, all of these things have happened within a ten-block radius. Maybe I should move.
User Reviews
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-10-04 10:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-10-03 21:28:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
i still remember that. jerk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, you piss me off
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-09-16 09:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hi, retaliation rating for you.
but, well, this was shit
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-15 17:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to answer your question -
i lurk. and only occasionally. but i'm still around.
quack
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-14 11:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should also wear a helmet in your casket, you stupid fuck.
But I like the hot dog suit...where can I get one? I wanna wear it to the beach.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-14 11:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-14 08:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You made it to the beer store? That's amazing. We ran into a cop car once. We were pushing a cart past the LCBO, it spun right, and slammed into a cop car.
He was actually very nice about the whole thing
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-14 07:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-09-14 00:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever heard of the Darwin Awards?
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good night everyone.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And actually, if the lights turn green when you're at the top, they'll probably still be green when you pass them. Those things last forever.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Genko, if you ever see a bunch of guys running around that area with a shopping cart, that would be me in the cart. Try to run me over, if you can. I'll call it compensation for
http://www.ubersite.com/m/29630
Submitted by cyst_master (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
30 km per hour? What's that, like 74 lbs.? Are you british or something? What was that johnson post with the naked olsen twins?
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-13 21:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I once rode down that hill with me and a friend in a shopping cart. We steered it with a hockey stick.
We made it all the way to the Beer Store.
I often wonder what would have happened if the lights at Aberdeen hadn't been green at the right time.